The farther away from my marriage I go the more I realize how much of my marriage was a lie; I’m not sure exactly why I married him. I loved him, this was true, but I’m not sure it was the same type of love that couple should have when they get married and I’m not sure why it was that I persisted against all my intuitions to the contrary. Was it out of obligation? Fear? (fear of loosing his friendship, hurting his feelings?) Oh, I was happy; our wedding day was the happiest day of my life. But what I think happened was that I lived the part, I lived ‘as if’ we were happy. I just took on the role of a happy housewife (along with the chores), never asking for anything. I didn’t have a ‘honey do’ list, I was the ‘honey do list’… I did it all (or most of it anyway). I realized I spent most of my life never asking for help or assistance from anyone, my ex included.
Still not able to figure this out I was remembering life as a child in an alcoholic home. And as such, I just wanted to ‘blend in’ and not make any waves. Forget about asking for anything, it would be the same as if to be asking for recognition, by saying, “look what I did…” This would only set you up for criticism and act like a ‘spot light’ of what could have been done better, or, rather, what wasn’t done RIGHT.
So, is it any wonder that I don’t trust my own decisions about my own life? Or that I never ask for a favor or for help? I mean, why ask if all you are going to get is a big fat NO, or worse, to be simply ignored? No, much better to just do it myself, play by myself, even talk to myself. There’s nobody there to make fun of me or criticize me or, better yet, get angry at me.
So this week my assignment is to ask. When I want something? Ask. When I need a favor? Ask. When I want to invite people to dinner? Ask. And not worry about the answer because, in the end, whatever the answer is, it’s not about me. It has nothing to do with me, or how they feel about me. It does, however have to do with what they are feeling at the moment and how they wish to spend their time and you know something? That’s alright for they have that right, just as I have the right to invite them, or not. It’s all about choice, isn’t it?