I’m getting over a really bad cold and finally took a day off work. Through the haze of the medicine and sleep, I was able to come into some clarity. I started on this ‘journey without men’ to find myself; to find out why I’ve made the choices I’ve made. To find out why I’ve gone right instead of left and why I’ve acted ‘as if’ instead of as I was; the creative girl who was somewhat awkward, fat with braces and extremely unattractive (well in teenager lingo), but a girl who had passion and talent all the same.
Slowly but surely, step by step, that girl (aka: me prior to ‘Mrs’) is starting to emerge from the other side of the looking glass. And you know something? She’s fun! She’s honest, feisty; and when the world seems to be against me? She’s right there to fight for me and put them ALL in their place. She’s the one who fights for the ‘underdog’; she is the ‘seer of seer’s, the ‘righter of wrongs’; She is my best friend. She is Me.
I’ve come to get to know this girl again and, though it has been a delicious journey, it hasn’t been a bed of roses. Recently I came to know disappointment after auditioning for a part in a play at a local theatre; a community theatre. Now, on the good side, the director admitted that he was extremely taken by my performance. But, (now, why does there always seem to be that ‘but’?) he had to go with someone else. Ouch.
Ok, I knew the deal. I know what goes on; there is so much more than just the talent of the actors. The director must take into consideration the look, the chemistry, the shapes. With that, I also know that I gave it all that I had and can be damn proud of the fact that I picked up a script; got into character (immediately, mind you); and did the audition. That’s HUGE! I haven’t done an audition in over a decade! The mere fact that I prepared a monologue and presented it (in character), had the director and everyone watching, laughing in the right places should be enough. So, why am I just a little disappointed?
Perhaps it’s because I was hopeful that I might have made the ‘cut’ and that I would be able to do what I love to do, and that I would be able to do it that much more quickly; I would be able to ‘work’ again. I was talking with an actor on the train who said that they didn’t care what they did, they just wanted to work. Now, I should explain something. To actors, ‘work’ is not necessarily ‘making money’ but simply working on a project, a character. And I would like to put that out into the Universe. Yea, Universe I simply would like to ‘work’ for I now have the taste again and my craving is great.
But the Universe always has a plan, doesn’t it? So who knows? I am currently working on my next performance for my singing at the next ‘Open Mic’ night at the local restaurant and we are working up some really nice tunes. I am very hopeful that this will be much better than the last performance. I’ve been conscience of the key of a song and the type… so we shall see. Only God knows, really.
Yea, part of me would be ecstatic at the idea of being in love again. I yearn to be a part of another and for them to be a part of me. But, I now understand the necessity of not having ‘love’ at this particular time in my life. And you know something? I’m enjoying this process. I’m enjoying ‘falling in love’ with me.
This is a delicious journey and it is a process. For the most part I am proud that I’ve come so far. I look back on the past year and I can see that my self esteem is getting stronger, my creativity is gaining, and I’m gaining my edginess (as I was writing the other day). This is a process and I need to continue to be patient with myself and continue to count my blessings. The strides I’ve made are HUGE, I need to focus on that and continue on. AND be grateful that I’m able to even LOOK myself in the mirror, for there are oh so many that can’t. Yea, she look’s pretty great to me and I’m looking forward to getting to know that much more about her.