Ok, I’ve been in my apartment now for about six months now. I would love to be able to say that I have all the boxes unpacked, everything in its place and all of my pictures up. I would love to say that, but that is simply not true. I don’t know why I’ve been so resistant in making this little apartment a home.
At first it was the idea of it being a ‘temporary’ place and that I would surely move onto something better. Or that my ex would be unable to keep up with the mortgage payments and I would need to move back; or… blah, blah, blah… Oh, I don’t know. I guess I just wasn’t completely ready for the ‘aloneness’ of my new life.
I’ve never been on my own, come to think of it. I’ve always had roommates. Growing up I had three, then I moved out with a few of my friends. Then it was a girlfriend. But it’s been with a single roommate ever since. Oh, then I was married (another roommate). This is the first place I’ve had all to myself. And although I do like having my own space, there’s a certain loneliness that comes with it that I didn’t figure in.
Don’t get me wrong, I still prefer the loneliness I feel with myself as opposed to the loneliness I felt with my ex. But there is something about me that you need to understand, that is that I am a loner anyway; my mother was and I just happen to take after her (I am my mother’s daughter afterall). So, it is going to take that much more effort for me to get out there and meet people. To stay active.
This last week, while I’ve been sick and though staying in and resting is what the doctor ordered, I did absolutely nothing. I went to work (yep even while I was sick… that’s another issue), came home and sat. A recluse, a hermit, completely shut off from the world.
Ok, a bit dramatic; but you get my drift? I’m afraid that I’m too much like my mother, and my question is how do I stop this cycle? How do I force myself to stay active and stay young? And how is someone like me going to meet people if all I can do is stay in?
Home is where the heart is and a friend of mine told me that this apartment is merely a ‘stepping stone’ to my next phase of life. I happen to agree. I should probably focus on the good that is happening. Focus on all that I am doing to uncover my light from under that proverbial bushel that I’ve had it placed these past 3 decades.
Temporary or not, starting this weekend my heart is here and this is my home. So, that said, little by little, box by box I’m going to make this little place my home and focus on the good. Hopefully the ‘home’ can now reflect that.