Another week, and I’m that much closer to the end of my ‘trek’. I heard from an old friend, someone that I never thought I’d hear from again, ever. This particular person was the one who was among ‘his’ friends. When a marriage splits, so do the friends (unfortunately). Though we hadn’t spoken for some time (quite a few years actually), through no fault of my own, or hers, (it was just life, I guess), we picked right up where we left off (where that was I sort of forgot… so much time had passed and a great deal of hurt feelings).
But it was great to hear from her. As I was talking with her and as she was telling me that she held no ill will toward me and that she understood why I left him, I realized that the longer I’m away, the less I need the validation from anyone. I mean trust me, it was very gracious of her to reach out and let me know that she knew how hard it must have been for me. But, did she? Really? (does anyone? can they really walk in our shoes and know?) I was there, in the marriage, they weren’t. And, as the Buddhist say, there are three truths, your version, their version and the truth. So it really doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, or what their opinion is of what happened or how he or I should have acted. I did what I had to, plain and simple.
And, what becomes clearer to me on my daily journey is this; I know who I am, what I’ve done and what I’ve accomplished. I don’t need the validation or recognition from an ‘outsider’ to make it right in my mind. It’s nice to hear, don’t get me wrong. It’s always great to have that ‘reality check’. But, to have that recognition, that ‘validation’, is really only temporary, so it seems silly to crave it and to need it so badly. It’s almost addictive (an addiction that needs to stop!)
I know; it’s easier said than done and I’m working on that. It’s a daily process, but I’m making progress and am quite proud of the progress I’ve made so far. Hey, I can look myself in the mirror each and every day, knowing that I’m doing right by my ex, and doing right by myself. Doing the right things without ‘fixing’ anybody and just allowing the chips to fall where they may.
Yep, this week has been pretty boring, not too much excitement (not an entirely BAD thing… can be good actually). So, life goes on as I wait for my next ‘ah ha’ moment