I just don’t know… I mean I was just talking with another woman. A person I met recently that could very well be a wonderful new friend (I mean we spent hours on the phone just talking). She was talking about her recent divorce and the sequences that led up to it and it got me thinking about my marriage and the sequences that let up to its demise.
I told her that my ex thinks to this day that I just woke up one day and thought, “I’m tired of this dirty house, I think I’ll get a divorce.” I mean REALLY! He thought I just had a hankering to just up and leave. And that got me to thinking, most of the men I’ve spoken with truly think that way. They say things like, “I don’t know why my wife left, I did everything she needed, I paid the bills.” Or, how about, “she knows I loved her, look at all I gave her, I gave her a washing machine for Christ’s sake! I gave her a car and stuff like that.” Really?
Do you guys hear yourselves?! Do you TRULY HEAR YOURSELVES? I left my 20 plus marriage because the best conversation I had from my ex was over what contestant was going to win American Idol. Well, there was that tiny little problem with his addiction… but other than that… Never did he ask me how my day was. Never did he discuss his day (or how about just having a ‘discussion’ period) and NEVER did he bother to tell me how nice I looked. Oh, and here is an even bigger clue; we hadn’t been intimate in over SEVEN years!
Now, the sex part isn’t the part that is so devastating. It’s the lack of intimacy. Not only had we not had sex, we hadn’t hugged, kissed, or touched! Not one finger, not one toe. We slept in a king sized bed and you could have built a wall between us that was 2-3 feet deep and we would never had noticed it.
Men, this is to you. We women don’t care so much about the ‘things’ that you give us. Well, it’s true we like diamonds… but! We want the intimacy. We don’t even care that you tell us EVERY SINGLE detail of your day, but at least show interest in the fact that we are in the building! Intimacy is more than just the 3 minutes of love-making a night. It’s the pats on the butt as we pass you by. It’s the love note in the briefcase left before we leave for work. It’s the love text. Simply? It’s showing that we are on your mind most of the time (if not, all of the time… but we gotta be real, right?)
Am I carrying around baggage? Probably. I try not to. But most of the garbage/baggage is from my past mistakes, not my ex’s. I’m not here to say that ALL men are like him. I know that that is NOT the case. There are millions of good men out there looking for a good woman like me. And truth? I am as much to blame for our marriage not working as he is, I know this. We just weren’t right for each other. And I taught him how to treat me.
My biggest regret is that I didn’t come to this realization sooner so that he could find the right person for him. I feel that my lack in moving kept him from his possible happiness. But this is something I must own and move past. Bottom line, I want him happy too. No matter what, I still love him and always will.
So Men, you may be from Mars but does that mean you can’t learn the language of Venus? It’s worth a try, don’t you think?
- Four Ways to Improve Your Intimacy with Your Wife (socyberty.com)