Why is it that when I trust someone; I’m thinking I’m doing well at my job or at a relationship and they, for whatever reason, find that I ‘should be doing’ x y z? People have so many judgments when it comes to me. It makes me wonder, just WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!
Am I perfect? As much as I would LOVE to think so; no, of course not. Who is? But I am always (and I do believe I can say this without exaggeration here), ALWAYS, there to back you up. Friends, co-workers, family, and even the occasional foe; I’ve got your back. Just who has mine, is the question?
Let’s look at the evidence shall we? A few months back, my ex calls my sister to discuss what he believes to be a problem that I have. The problem? Bad breath. Now, this is a man that toward the end of our marriage would tell me my breath smelled any time, ALL the time (should he ever had gotten close enough, which was hardly ever), even if I had just brushed my teethe and GARGLED!!! I’d get, “uh, Sweetie… your breath… smells”, in a hushed voice, with his hand waiving over his mouth as if he was trying to, what protect my feelings?
Anyway, after I’d been out of his life for over a year, he and I got together for something, and shortly after that, he calls my sister saying that he needed to talk to her. She then tells me what it was about. I, thinking that I now have the proverbial spinach in my teethe and nobody has told me all through dinner, am starting to doubt myself and think that maybe there really is a problem. So I ask her, “well? What do you think, do I?” And after some pushing on my part she replied, “well, I really don’t know, sometimes you have bad breath and sometimes not… I really don’t know.” That’s an answer?! A simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ would have sufficed. Now I really DO think I have the proverbial spinach in my teethe and NOBODY has told me.
I proceeded to my girlfriends as I really needed more clarification (the ‘I’m not sure’ wasn’t cutting it). If there was an issue, I then needed to seek medical advice. She, who I know would have certainly said, ‘geeze lady, take a mint’, took one long sniff and confirmed to me what I knew all along; that me ex was/is nuts. But why couldn’t my sister do that, why the miss-mosh, mealy mouth hog wash? I mean, she continued on by saying how she spoke to her friend who said, ‘you know, my mom had an issue with her breath and they found…’ Great, let’s even broadcast it all over, thanks.
It was the same with a chorus I was in. I was the President, worked pretty hard and as you can imagine, nobody ever wants that job; but EVERYBODY loves to discuss how much better they would do it. (it is so easy to be arm chair quarterback isn’t it?) This last term (yep, I did it TWICE!) was an extremely difficult one for me, not only did I take it knowing full well that my dear friend was no longer going to be our director (she was going to resign and her resignation was not announced yet), but that I would have the lovely task of fighting off the most manipulative of our members. This person was responsible for our director leaving and not only wanted the position, she felt that she should have had it handed to her on a silver platter (uh, don’t think so). So I took the position primarily because I wanted to make sure that it was a fair fight. (lots of politics in an organization such as this) and knew I was the only person who would be able to stand firm.
Anyway, nothing, but NOTHING was done to anyone’s liking. Although we were carrying out all of the duties and following all of the organizations rules and by-laws, I wasn’t managing correctly, or I wasn’t fast enough, or I wasn’t standing on my hands in the right direction (who knows?). But, I did manage to find a wonderful team to search for a director and we did make this about as fair a search as it could EVER be (despite that particular member) and find a wonderful director.
Or how about my own staff? I’ve gone to bat for this guy, bent over backwards, stayed late, worked weekends. All so he can get what he is due. Now I realize that I do this because this is my job and should be done. But; so much goes on behind the scenes, so much that he isn’t even aware of and I’m thrown under the bus!
All in all, and at the end of the day I’m very lucky and know that I have a great support system. But why do people do what they do? Why can’t they surprise me for the better? Just for once, I would love it if someone did something so out of character like if you are going to talk behind my back; how about saying something nice? I know there’s gotta be something, I mean c’mon!
I would like to know that people, whomever they are, are out there and actually have my back. Will stand up and say, “you know something, I’ve never actually noticed that she has had a problem with her breath. I mean sure there are those occasions when she might have ‘morning breath’, but I don’t think you have any reason for concern. I think she will be just fine.” Or, “yea, my manager is a bit scattered, but you know something? When I need her she is really there for me and I know she is out to bat for me.” Would that be so hard?
I don’t know, this seems to happen to me; a lot! (not as much as it used to… remember what I was saying about that sign on my forehead in the ‘reunion’ blog?) I need to stop it or stop letting it get to me so much. I’ll continue to take the high road (try to anyway). I will continue to strive to be a ‘what you see is what you get’ person and look for the good in all (it’s going to be a challenge at times).
Sorry about the rants readers; it’s been one of those weeks.