So, which is it? I’ve come to a critical cross-road in my life where I no longer know what it is that I want to do, let alone can do. I’m reminded of a woman, circa 1972. She must have been faced with the same questions and this woman was brilliant! She was, at one time a Budget Analyst for Bechtel Corporation. But, like most women of the 1950’s, she fell in love, got married and had children (four, with her youngest now ten years old). She traded in her brief case for a stroller and her business suit for a house dress.
Her husband passed away only nine years earlier, but being the whiz at numbers that she prided herself at being, she had been able to raise her family on the modest amount of Social Security she’d been receiving each month from the death of her husband. Still, it would be nice to make some real money again and not have to worry month to month.
I’m sure that my mother struggled with questions and guilt, just as I do; she often looked back on her life and what a success she once had, same as me. She came out to California from Wisconsin on her own. No job and hardly any money, but she was a survivor with a great many talents and ambition.
Unfortunately, this survivor would be viewed by the working world as old and not training material; set in her ways, not flexible. And so the struggle inside her continued on; as did the years.
I watched this woman as she aged and in hind sight, am guessing that is what I saw; the war within her. Was it that she didn’t believe in herself or that others didn’t believe in her? This struggle went very deep; I remember her telling me how much her own father hated the idea of her going to college and that if it wasn’t for her mother, she’d never had gone. Here she was given a scholarship, was smart as a whip and not got to college? I can only imagine what that house must have been like.
What were her demons? I think I’m beginning to understand as they weren’t very different from my own. She and I had many talks on the sofa and I can remember her telling me about how, as youngsters, we tell ourselves that we will never do to our children what our parents did to us. Then she would apologize to me for doing the same things to me that her father had done to her. So, I guess I can imagine the demons because I know now how very similar they were to my own.
So, unemployed? Unemployable? Same old Administrative Assistant? Or do I risk it all and sell, sell, sell myself? I have dreams, but it gets down to believing. People say to take the risk; but how? It’s not like there’s this big huge red arrow pointing down saying “here’s the starting point, now go for it!” I know, I know; one step at a time. I so want the answers today so I guess I’ll enjoy the scenery, today. Perhaps in the scenery and answers (like the proverbial stepping stone) will appear… as I walk and with each step I take.