Choices, we make them every day; be it the clothing we wear, the meal we choose to eat, the people we choose to allow into our private life. And it is when I’m face with those challenges in my life such as this when I, for one, take time to wonder. Wonder about the various choices I’ve made going down life’s road. Do I have regrets? Some… don’t we all? However, for the most part, I am happy with my life and those in it. Or, so I thought until recent events that caused me to take a long look; a long deep look at just who I’ve allowed in and who, by allowing in, have left deep scars and wounds.
Recent circumstances made me pause and wonder not just why I’ve made those choices, but why I continue to make some of the same ones. For instance, I recently wrote of disappointment is some friends; now I wrote of two individuals in particular who I thought were my best friends (denial) and it was my insistence over the years that surely they loved me. I’m sure they did, yet, for some reason it never seemed enough; so if not, well then certainly I just wasn’t worthy of their love so I had better do… [fill in the blank].
The fact of the matter is that ever since I can remember, I’ve had some insatiable need to be needed. I have also had a horrible (I mean HORRIBLE) green monster called Jealousy residing inside. So, I ask you, is it any wonder that anyone would wish to be my ‘bff’? Especially with this green thing hanging around with us, can you blame them?
Actually, in a word, yes. AND, with that blame, I share it because, you see, I taught them how to treat me. Though I’ve tried time and again to discuss my feelings with them, I still taught them through the silent acceptance. My acceptance of their phone calls and the acceptance of their blatant disregard of my presence while talking with other friends on the phone throughout our time together or during a meal in a restaurant (people they would see on a daily basis… and gab with even more, yet see me maybe twice a year). Yes I allowed this behavior and in so doing, I taught them that this was acceptable and silently said “by all means, keep it up. It’s only me after all… I’ll just sit here and eat my meal while you chat away to your friend about her boob implant.”
Self esteem runs so much deeper than the ‘self’; it goes to the root of picking and choosing those individuals with whom you share your life’s secrets, desires, your friendship and choosing them wisely. Picking those friends with whom you can be yourself and pick up where you left off. Picking those individuals you know and can trust you won’t be the topic of their gossip (at least while you are in the vicinity… I mean have the decency to wait til I leave to go home… thank you…).
I’ve enjoyed and hope to continue to enjoy my friendships with these individuals (though after reading these posts I have my doubts they will… goes along with the territory I guess), but the proverbial elephant in the room had to be pointed out and they didn’t want any part of it. I was hurt (beyond hurt) no doubt, and as a friend, or a “Best Friend Forever”, wouldn’t you want to make things right? Well, they did not.
So, I do what I’ve always done, I write about it and get it out there. This allows me to understand my part in the process because, as we all know, it’s never one-sided. There is always two or, as the Buddhist say, three sides, to every truth; “there is yours, mine and the truth.” I like to look at my culpability in all of this so as not to continue making the same mistakes by accepting the same behaviors or trying to change bad behaviors. We all know you can’t change people… you either accept them, warts and all, or… [fill in the blank].
I thought I did accept their behaviors, instead I was simply accepting what I thought I didn’t deserve and that was support, somebody to be by my side as I would theirs’. A friend who would walk with me in an effort raise awareness for cancer and who would support my business ventures as much as I did theirs. Bottom line, someone who would support me [period] and not make fun of me or my dress, my voice, my likes, my dislikes…
Don’t get me wrong, I have people in my life who are supportive, I guess I was just holding on to a past that I thought was still a part of me, my ‘make-up.’ And, like the skin of a snake, that past must be let go for the new future to come in. As for these friends, they can either jump on board or they can stay in the past. I will always love them, still do.
Again, we must keep the focus on those that DO support and stop the focus on those that don’t… I’m done with this part of my self-awareness phase… there will be more, this I have no doubt. But in a different light. I’m ever-changing and have many gifts; I just need to treasure those that already surround me with the support and love… the friendships I deserve.