Two weeks have past and I’m feeling a bit back into the regular. Got up at 6:30 this morning; checked some email and
went back to bed to catch a few more Zz’s. Woke up around 9:00, refreshed; made coffee and french toast. I did my taxes last night on one of those new fangled on-line deals [sigh]; it is the first tax return I’ve done without my ex-husband. I thought I would feel FREE, woo hoo; jumping off the ceiling. But, I don’t know, some how I just feel blah.
On the other hand, I thought this would be extremely emotional for me; again, blah. It is a bit freeing, I won’t have to hear his nagging about how I should have had my employer take more taxes out because, “we didn’t get as much of a return…” (blah, blah, blah…). Yea, like he EVER even paid! I mean this coming from a man who, when I would suggest paying quarterly, would shake his head and tell me, “we can’ t afford it.” To which I would reply, “if we would simply deduct a percentage out from your payments and place it in a savings account…”; ah, he never listened.
Hm, that ‘blah’ feeling that I was having earlier? Just changed to ‘woo hoo, freedom!’ Sorry Doug, but you were kind of a pain in my a#&… more like a hemorrhoid that would just pop up when the mood suited you. So, it is a relief. Now onto the separation papers. That is another big emotion and pain. Note to self: Marriage? Cheap – Divorce? EXPENSIVE! And very, VERY emotional.
It’s not like a HUGE expense (well, not if you try to do this on your own and leave the lawyers out of it), but… For example, in California should you decide to separate first, you must pay the fee for separation AND divorce. Now it is my choice to file separation and in the eyes of the law that makes us legally divorced for all intense and purposes except for the part of remarrying. But, I really don’t think I’m ever marrying again so… I can wait until he retires in a few years. Then again, I seriously doubt I’m ever going to be working again. Well, not for a corporation, so I doubt he will ever have access to benefits from me. So maybe I should just go straight for the divorce. But, then again that just feels like the final nail in the coffin. The end. I really don’t know that I’m ready; but why?
Am I going to ever go back to him (only if HELL froze over…). The emotion comes from the ‘what ifs’, the dreams that were dreamed and never realized. There are over twenty years of life that were lived that are now going to be erased. So many memories coupled with the fact that this was, and still is, a good man. I just don’t know that I’m ready to say to the courts that I want to dissolve it yet.
This is “procrastination” in the truest form all because of fear; fear of the unknown. Fear of what I feared all along, that no one would ever want me. I mean, look at me, here I am; I’ve been single for almost three years and the only men I’ve been able to attract are either lunatics or on-night Romeo’s out for a ‘booty call’. [sigh] This is very similar to the situation of my youth. Is it any wonder that when Doug came along that I didn’t just jump at the chance? Some say I settled. And that may be true for a variety of reasons (I know that now). But all in all we had many wonderful years woven in the bad. No, I can’t live with him anymore but that isn’t to say that I never loved him or that I don’t still.
Well, this is certainly an uplifting post… I don’t know how to turn this around. So, I look at the positive of the situation. I am now doing that which I love (singing, writing, songwriting), I have a new circle of friends (along with the same old circle) that are wonderful/talented artists in the own right. I’ve found my voice and will continue to express it (be it through song or my words in my posts/articles). I’m finding a new relationship with my other sister Elizabeth and accepting my brother (warts and all). Knowing that he, only he can determine his fate and whether he will live his life sober or not. Same can be said for my ex. However my brother’s situation is far more deadly and something that we all hope will remedy before we are planning his memorial. He has so many gifts, so many talents (if only he would see them… truly see them).
And I guess there in lies my lesson. To see my gifts/talents and to share them each and every day. Our family is big on ‘talking as if’. As if talking is doing. The problem with doing this or getting into the habit of this is that your life can go by you in a flash and before you know it, you are at your end, possibly in a hospital bed talking with a nurse and you let out your last breath and that is the end.
So, it’s Sunday and there is still at least part of the day left. My intention? To get on my sneakers and do some walking (something I’ve avoided) and start getting into shape. Perhaps I’ll start running again (something I used to do when I was in high school and LOVED); either way, it is time to move – something.
Happy April everyone… Go out and be a fool, and don’t forget to say those three little words you know we all love to hear “I LOVE YOU” – if you haven’t said them I suggest you start; what are you waiting for?