I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since the death of my sister. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I sit in this house, look around at all the things, her things, things she bought at the grocery store and still, at almost a month after her death, I keep expecting to see her reflection in the sliding glass door as I come in through the front room. The emptiness at the realization of the empty couch is startling.
I’ve been sick this past week; flu? Could be; though I’m beginning to think it is nothing more than heartbreak. For some reason I thought it would be getting easier with time and all I’ve been witness to this past week is that the pain feels even more severe. I used to have solace in the knowing that there was family close by. Someone who knew me when… Someone who, no matter what I’ve done in the past, present; would love me regardless. Now, I just feel alone.
I know what many are thinking, “just get on with it and get out there… get involved and get over it. Keep yourself moving, moving will help you.” Oh boy, how that is so much easier said than done; for me anyway. There are days I can barely lift my head. Why? Why now? I go over those last few weeks in my head; and I go over this last year, like a movie. I’ve kept her texts and read them and I can help but ask myself if only I had kept her voice mail messages; just something to keep so I could hear her voice; then again, it would more than likely just drive me deeper into depression. Best to keep her in my mind’s eye.
It is best to keep moving; for life does go on and it doesn’t stop just because I’m grieving. I’ve been working a little in the yard, mowing the lawn. Turning my cursing into compliments such as, ‘hey, you been workin’ out?’ (I’m shouting this over the sound of the mower). ‘Yea baby, I’ve been mowing the lawn!’ My neighbors I know think I’m nuts… but what a wonderful way to get through the grueling chore. It certainly placed a pep back in my step. As I placed the mower back, I pulled a couple young weeds and breathed in the sweet scent of fresh-cut lawn (God I love that smell), and thought to myself, ‘life is good.’
Life goes on and I simply don’t know what to do. People continue to talk to me and look at me as if I’m the most fragile of dolls; and I’m not quite sure what to make of that. Though, I did start crying at a client the other day who was going to cancel her $300. plus order if she couldn’t get these certain cosmetic bags in time – really?… I found myself bending upside and backward for this woman who was more confused than I. “If I can’t have those bags today”, she would threaten; then it was “tomorrow before noon”, first she needed them for people here, then for people on her trip. I don’t think she knew which end was up. Unfortunately, neither did I at the time… So, ‘melt-down’… Ah well, once again I found myself in an unavoidable situation where I really needed to use that ever necessary ‘edit button’; you know, the one that has melted away through these past few months? As luck would have it all turned out and my client DID get her product (bags and all) way under deadline (whew!). Sometimes there are forces (Thank you Kimball) beyond our control working in our favor.
But it is really interesting, I’m finding ‘guts’ I didn’t think I had when it comes to things like my craft. All of a sudden I’m letting people know what I do, who I am and am opening up more. Now, I’m also opening up to ridicule, but hey… Se la vi… We all get this.
But windows are opening and that, in turn, is forcing those doors open that were once shut. I’ve been able to peak in through the doors of past opportunity and have a better understanding that I’m really not so sad to have lost that opportunity. (Not such a loss) However, I did learn from it, ALL of ‘IT’. And will continue to learn from all my experiences; there is no turning off the learning.
I have many blessings in this life, I have no idea what will happen with my life as I start out on the next leg of it. But I don’t have to know this right now. I start divorce proceedings this week (something more to grieve, but it only stings a little). And at least my ex is on board with the whole process, so that is a good thing. At which time, my life truly will be my own. So many things to do, see, try. So many blessings to be counted. I’ve had much grief (this is true); it a part of life, and is what shapes us like a stone carver might use a ‘rock shaper’. The emotions are tough to go through, but they are necessary and we have a choice, we can choose to be bitter at our losses. Or, we can choose to live through the loss, feeling each feeling; patiently allowing it to shape our character into the masterpiece we are to become.
It is difficult to take the roughness of its cloth, but then there is rest (always rest). Only to start again, and with each start the rests come that much more frequent; until the final Masterpiece, Me!