Eating Crow So Much – I think I’ll take seconds!

On May 5th the memorial for my sister finally came together and was beautiful.  Life is one long journey.  Along this path

Heart-shaped cloud

Heart-shaped cloud (Photo credit: aivas14)

we hop, skip, jump, run; we meet friends and foe.  We may stumble and may even fall; however, no matter how hard we fall, we must pick ourselves up and keep on going.  This past week I’ve ‘stumbled’ across some weary hearts.  Some with the regret of “if only” hovering over their weary heads; if only  they  had  seen my sister in her final days to reassure her of their love.  While others, never knowing the trials she faced, could only bask in the memory of her light.  To them (all of them) I want to share the reminder that there are no regrets.  She knew how much they loved her (deep down, she knew).  Regret is a tough emotion; one I’ve come to know all too well.

What does this tell me/tell us?  That the passing of a soul, however long or short on this earth, was not in vain.  She made her ‘mark’ with every passing day and with the stroke of a pen; she made her mark.  I watched and listened as others told their stories of my sister.  And as I listened I learned and placed their reflection into memory.  She honed her craft of nurturing friendships and relationships and many were in awe of this woman I know simply as Kimball.

She fought a battle that many men would not dare fight, many might even scurry from in fear.  But she fought this battle with courage/bravery when so many would wallow in self-pity asking the terminable question; why? Why me? And although there were many days where she wondered this tantamount question; she braved it, knowing her eminent fate.  She braved the smile, the carefree way she had of placing others needs before her own.  She wore the mask of courage and wore it well.

In the weeks following her death I’ve been ridiculed for speaking my thoughts and discussing the trials (both of my family and my own).  I’ve been told I’m nothing more than a ‘tattle tailing’ blog who only looks at the story of her family/friends scornfully.  [if that is what you’ve read, I am sorry.  That simply is/was not my intention].  I write for my awakening and to give a glimpse into the life of someone who has gone through what you, my readers, might be  going through so that we can know we are not alone.

Green Heart (And the Green Grass Grows All Aro...

Green Heart (And the Green Grass Grows All Around, All Around) (Photo credit: CarbonNYC)

This journey has not been an easy one.  To date I’ve witnessed my mother’s deterioration – both mentally and physically – and eventual death; have been witness to my brother drinking himself into oblivion – a man who once wowed all who surrounded him – talking about what he would like to do with his gifts (of which he has multitudes), but will most likely never see them go into fruition (the demons are simply too strong).  I’ve been through separation after twenty plus years of marriage and witnessed my own sister’s struggle with cancer and journey to death.  And it is not my sister’s battle that puzzles me; it is, instead, the lashing out that I’ve received from those I thought were my friends, many of whom had been through the same.   One would think they would have compassion.  But, this writer has found that just as I thought I was to blame for their misunderstanding and rude conduct; I’ve finally concluded that perhaps it isn’t me that has the problem.  Maybe, just maybe, they are the one’s with serious issues.

I know what I’ve done and can proudly say I stood by my mother and my sister.  I stood by them, watched them (watched over them) and protected them as best I could.  There was no manual and we can only do what we feel is best at that particular time.  Yet, I have been judged for what I’ve done (or not done).  How that judgment can be I just don’t know.  For unless you’ve walked a mile or so in someone elses shoes; well, there is simply nothing anyone has a right to say/do/judge (words I myself have had to humbly swallow).

My family all came together for the memorial, we had friends step up to the plate and many just weren’t sure what to do.  No matter, we all do what it is that we are able.  To all of them, I cherish you and cherish your strength and all you’ve given me and my family.  People with whom I never would have expected became Angels [Earthly Angels]; something I was foretold would happen if I would simply allow it.

We are vastly approaching the two month mark of my sister’s passing.  I’ve just received my divorce papers and know that that is on its way to completion.  There are just too many things going on in my life.  But, I still find time to reflect and my sister had a wonderful gift (many actually) and it is my intention to learn from them.  To cherish each person that journey’s into and through my life.  Some are only temporary, while others are here for a lifetime.  I cherish each and everyone and to Kimball; I will always carry your heart.

I have a favorite poem that pretty much says it all.  And to those, all those I love (past and present and both among us and those who have passed on) I give you the following poem is by E. E. Cummings.

I CARRY YOUR HEART WITH ME by E. E. Cummings
I carry your heart with me(I carry it in
my heart)
I am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)
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4 thoughts on “Eating Crow So Much – I think I’ll take seconds!

  1. It always seems there are a few regrets when someone close to you passes, I think it is only human. You are correct to assume that as long as your conscience is clear it matters not what others think, say, and do. Take no more issues than what you already own!!!
    I’m sure your sister’s memorial was lovely. As a beneficiary of her kindness I was always amazed at how she always had the “right” words to express her thoughts. Always giving to others is very rewarding, however I have learned to balance that with good care of self. By caring more for one’s self, one can continue to be a blessing to the people in their lives.
    As you embark on a new chapter in your life, look for the possibilities and potential for good in every situation. Sometimes even the negative causes a positive action. Every day is a day full of hope so grab the goodness that presents itself and joyously live each day!!
    You are certainly a blessing to many people!

    • Clair, thank you for your kind words of wisdom. My life is going through so many changes and, though it can be a challenge to keep on the ‘smile’, I make it my mission.

      Thank you again, for your encouragement and support.

      NP

    • Love and blessings to you on the passing of your sister. It was just by chance we featured you as one of our favorite blogs this week on our Facebook fan page. I hope anyone that visits you will find you have touched their lives.

      • Thank you so much for the ‘feature’ and for the kind words. You have always been an inspiration to this young/old writer as I travel through your daily writings. Thank you and blessing to you

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