Yep, I’m still standing, and standing, and standing… Wow! After a blow like that, one would think I would be on the ground! But it takes a lot to take an old lady of $& years down… (what? you thought I’d give my age? not in a million years!)… No. I’m still standing and have no intention of being disheartened. Almost a year ago I was seriously thinking of taking my life ( yes… I said that). It was an extremely dark and grim time of my life; much of my self-esteem was wrapped up in my work (a place that was not very supportive at all) and I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with thoughts of “it’s too late, what will happen if?” Or, “how will I ever pick up from here, I have nothing.” And today, with all that has happened, I can’t tell you the relief. So much can happen in just a short amount of time… so it goes to show, when you find yourself having a bad day/week/month? Wait it out… the tide always turns. And my tide is turning (finally).
The once stormy sea is as calm as it was before the ever tumultuous thrashing this economy has wreaked on most of the world; that and what would be known as the afflictions of life’s trials with family sickness, remorse and estrangement. Yes, the skies are of brilliant sky-blue against the deep aqua blue of the ocean with its white-capped waves. I see this in my mind as this is how my life feels it is turning. Life has its seasons and it is no secret that I was in a LONG winter. I now feel spring has arrived and is here for the long haul. The sun is shining on my face and I can taste the salt from the ocean on my lips. Yes, spring is finally here (figuratively speaking) and I am going to revel in all of its experiences.
Even with all the disappointments of last week (trust me there were many), I feel refreshed, back to my old self (oops, that word ‘old’). But even the word/feeling known as ‘age’ or ‘old’ can’t sand away my smooth edges and ruffle my feathers (not today). I’ve since spoken to Jordan, by the way. We came to an understanding and he understands where I was coming from and I understand him… So, now it’s simply a case of enjoying our friendship. Hey, at least he called; most guys would have just shined me on and waited several weeks or never called at all. He truly is a good guy, just a bit over loaded is all.
I’m proud of myself though. I’m seeing people more clearly and not making excuses for them. I’m not going into relationships with the intention that I can ‘change’ them. Nope, I see who they are and can either live with it or not and simply move on.
To say I hold no judgement would say I’m perfect and unless you know something I don’t… well need I say more? We all get caught making assumptions about each other or getting our feelings hurt because “they should have known better.” I think the point is that ‘we’ should be big enough to accept apologies and hear each other out. If we can’t then we lose; not the other way around.
As I’ve said before (we’ve all said it before); life is too short. There comes a time when you are brought to task and must step up. Sometimes it will be for that friend of yours when you overhear someone else talking smut about them. Or maybe it’ll be when you hear a co-worker sexually harassing another co-worker, or simply saying “I’m sorry.” In any event, you will find yourself at that pivotal point when you will have the choice to say or do something; and when you don’t? You will regret it. And you know something? It is the worst feeling in the world and there is no way to take those moments back.
Now, there may be no way to take back ‘those’ moments; but you can make it a point to make it up and move forward with the conviction that you will make the difference.
Yea, the ‘winter’ season has come to a close for the time being and I’m enjoying the wondrous season of spring. My divorce will be final soon and
soon that phase/part of my life will be my past. I’m still not too sure how I feel about it. I cried when I received the paperwork (it was all so final), but know that this was the best decision I ever made for me; not for my family, not for my ex-husband, but for me. And in a small way for my ex. He can now find someone to better suit him. (or not).
So much has been learned and there is so much to learn (STILL!). But I’m enjoying the process, truly. Here is a wonderful quote I found today:
“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”~Sarah Ban Breathnach