Ever More Sparingly, The Grief Still Cuts Like A Knife

We are nearing three months since my sister’s death and, thinking I was merely melon-Colly, I returned from my errands, received a note in the mail, opened it and it was a picture.  I sobbed as if she died yesterday.  When will this subside?  And it isn’t simply the death of my sister that has me so down (though that is enough), it is my own life in this ‘Topsy-turvy’ fashion, that has me even more ill at ease.

I was speaking with my brother the other day and the question came up, “So Ann, what any ideas of what you’re going to do?  Y ‘know, work-wise?”  Skreetch!  Back up the bus… Then it hits me like a brick!  I’m forty-nine (there I said it… almost Fifty, 5 0!), am I even hire-able?  As I’ve written in past posts, I’m at an age where I’m supposed to be settled in  a career, not restarting my life.  What on earth am I to do in this second half of my existence?  Who is likely to hire me now?  Or am I to be like those lovely older ladies waiting on tables, or working in museums.  After my experience at my last place of employment I am honestly too gun-shy to work for another employer.  That place ran their business just ‘this side’ of the law and truly felt they could treat their staff as cruelly as they pleased (still do as rumor has it).

Perhaps I should have counted my blessings more, not tempted fate quite so much.  I just don’t know what to do and Kimball was the one I could talk to about all this.  By now I would have had at least four notes from her, we

eggs benedict for easter

eggs benedict for easter (Photo credit: little blue hen)

would have had breakfast six times; eating Eggs Benedict  as she encouraged me on.   But today only emptiness fills the spot and I’m alone in this huge house that still houses her things.

Everywhere I go I’m reminded of her.   And though not such a bad thing, I feel compelled to redecorate.  Clear out the clutter; making way for new.  It is very difficult to live with the ghost of the past.  While, In the meantime, I wrestle with my unanswered future and where I fit in.  I’m paralyzed by the thoughts of the “what ifs”  versus the  “what could Be’s”; so much so that their spinning in my head has made me dizzy with worry.

I can’t seem to run from the  worry of what to do and if I can even do it at all (or well enough at  all)… I think much of this stems from my childhood and that ‘never good enough’ feeling.  I know, I know; many of you are reminding me what I’ve said before.  That these were the feelings my sister had  and that I swore I would find my blessings and hold them close each and every day (much easier said than done… I must tell you).

Still, this question lingers (and lingers); what am I going to do with this second half of my life?  I don’t know if the tears are so much from my grief or my self-pity.  Most likely both.  What I do know is that I’ve gone back to a place where I’m barely able to move out of bed (that’s not good).  I must get moving again.  Depression is a past acquaintance of mine that I do not wish to share my bed or my living quarters with.

I will come to some understanding and find my passion again, but the loneliness is just too much at times and it is everything in me to stop from screaming.  Still, there truly were times where I could  feel the sun on my face, spring was  in the air; then to feel this.  How, how could I let this happen?  But the more I struggle the deeper I go, like quick sand.

I’m in mourning and must remember this.  My brother mentioned that to get through it he has made misery his friend (misery a friend?), he has embraced it.  Suffice as to say, that once you do this you can move onto the project you wish to get done and you feel better for doing it.  Similar to the famous Igor Stravinsky quote, “do it in cold blood”; he was asked how he could get up and compose each and every day, where does he get the inspiration?  To which he replied, “I write and inspiration follows, I do it in cold blood.”

Perhaps that is what I need to remember when these moods (spells) come over me; to do things in ‘cold blood’ and the inspiration will follow and my lifted feelings will soon follow.

I won’t go so far as to say that misery is my friend, more like a caddy “friend-emy” – one of those enemies you wish to keep closer (keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer types?) – but I think I do understand where my brother is coming from.  And perhaps there in lies the secret (who would have thought?).

Rainy days and Monday’s always get me down… today is a rainy day, but there are a myriad of appointments (plenty to keep me busy).  Should be enough to dull the biting cut this grief has caused.  And it should be enough to lift me from its paralyzing grip.  “Do it in cold blood”, I shall Igor, I shall.

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6 thoughts on “Ever More Sparingly, The Grief Still Cuts Like A Knife

    • Thank you Dear Kat… much appreciated (truly!). Can be so very difficult to put one’s feelings out there in the “abyss” and wonder… “does anyone get it?” Thank you for your time and comment.

  1. First of all, I’m sorry for your loss. I haven’t got anyone close to me die yet but as a nurse, I deal with grief everyday. And one thing I learned about it is that you should never let it defeat you. It’s okay to cry, to feel the pain because we’re human. But please don’t wallow in it, don’t let it define the remaining years of your God-given life.

    • Nurs Anj, thank you for stopping by and for your kind words. I realize how someone from your standpoint might take the words I write or the feelings and interpret them as “wallowing”; all I can say is that this is grief. The loss of a sibling is a kind of loss that is like none other, there are no words to describe it. I know you only meant well and that is how I take it. Grief hits us in waves, sometimes they’re small, sometimes as large as tidal waves (we never can tell) and until you have truly felt that, you can only try to empathize, understand and imagine.

  2. There is light behind the clouds, I promise you this. You may not know how/when/why/where right at this moment, but you will be OK.

    Your writing is profound & lovely at the same time.
    Xx Tahira

    • Tahira, thank you for your lovely words and I do take comfort that this will lighten in time. It won’t ever go away completely (this I do know…); but it will ease. It is just that part of life that we all must endure; all of us… whether it’s the passing of a sibling, a close loved one or another challenge, we all have our challenges and it is part of our life’s journey. It is just the way of things. Thank you again.

      NLP

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