As you know, it has been almost three years since I’ve left my husband
and our divorce is almost final. I know it took a while for me to get used to the idea before filing papers. So, in the interim, as soon as I’d given up on the idea of ever finding ‘Amore’; BAM! It hit me like a ROCK!
I’ve fallen folks; hard! And I know it’s quick, only three weeks; but if it is any consolation, we have known each other for three years and four months. Honestly, I think there had always been a connection (or at least I could feel it). Even so, there is simply not much a person can do when they are trying like the devil to work on their own teetering marriage. Though, at the time I thought mine was pretty solid, only to soon find out (about 2 months later in fact) about my ex’s drinking and his hiding the alcohol. Hence my plan to leave.
But even when everything went a rye, it would turn out that we each needed time to heal. Well, I know I needed time to heal as there were many days where I couldn’t go without crying over my failed marriage (and I was the one who left!). Also, I think if you hop back into another relationship (right after a failed one), you tend to fall into the same trap that you did before (subconsciously of course). I know that when I tried dating I found that the first guy was nothing like my ex. The second was a bit more like him and by the time I got to the fourth; he was the splitting image! So I ran as far as I could – ran for them thar hills and into hiding (thus, my blog).
And what did I find out about myself the last several months? (Actually, it’s almost two years… Jeese, can’t believe it’s been that long already) Well, I’ve discovered that I was as much responsible for the failure of my marriage as my ex. OUCH! Yep, that hurts to admit… But it’s true. I’ve said this in past posts that I pushed him away by doing for myself. You see, I was raised by a single mother who did everything, from the gardening to the building of the fences, to the sewing of our clothes, to the cooking of our meals; she did everything by herself (with the help of her little house maids – we kids). But I wasn’t fortunate enough to witness two parents splitting up the household chores or laying down the expectations each spouse had for the other. Not to place blame, it’s just that that is a very big role that was missing in my life and was something I didn’t even realize until after all went kaput.
In a way (a very big way) I emasculated my ex-husband to the point of him probably saying “why bother” AND “why bother to even sexually please her?” I made myself very unavailable. I know that it sounds like I’m taking on the whole lot of our failed marriage and trust me when I say, I’m not. But I do have concerns in this new relationship of mine and I don’t wish to continue the trends from the last.
I did learn some good things these last couple of years and the main point being that I do deserve happiness. I deserve the happiness with a man who adores me, wants to be with me, and thinks of me every morning he wakes up and every night before he goes to sleep. And I finally found such a man.
Funny thing is that I’ve wanted this for so long. With this particular individual? Yes, for the most part, yes. But to be perfectly honest, I thought there was no hope, no interest; so I had given up. When the truth is, it just wasn’t our time (funny how the Universe works, isn’t it?).
I can truly, without question say that I LOVE this person; more than I’ve ever loved anyone (this way) ever. Now, this could be hurtful if my ex ever found out and I would never want that to happen because I did (and do) love him. But with my ex (and if he really thought about it I do believe he would agree), our love was more like a love between brother and sister, or simply friends as opposed to lovers. It had gotten so distant, there was no hope. It was never that ‘I’ll do anything for you’ type of love. He never treated me in the same fashion, nor has he ever looked at me in the same way. It is simply not the same.
So, the question goes out to you. How soon does one know when they are in Love? Do you know right away? Are we just being silly to know this soon? I don’t know, I just feel as if I know (no question) and that it is comfortable. For instance, we are great friends and we laugh forever on the phone (and the best way to my heart is through laughter). He is truly the sweetest man; he is considerate, loving, thoughtful, attentive to my needs and affections… I have to say that I knew this was ‘it’ before I knew… (If that makes any sense)
In the past, I would wonder, question, ask the ‘what ifs’ and then wonder, question and ask the ‘what ifs’ some more, until I was exhausted. But here I just know somehow. I’m not scared, not thinking about the future, not worrying about the past; I seem to know that all is going to be alright. And that I’m in love and that for the first time in my life I am following my heart and not what I think someone else wants me to do, act or feel. And you know something? It feels so wonderful!
Let Us Live and Love (5)
|by Gaius Valerius Catullus
translated by Thomas Campion
My sweetest Lesbia, let us live and love; And though the sager sort our deeds reprove, Let us not weigh them. Heaven's great lamps of five Into their west, and straight again revive; But, soon as once set is our little light, Then must we sleep one ever-during night.If all would lead their lives in love like me, Then bloody swords and armor should not be; No drum nor trumpet peaceful sleeps should move, Unless alarm came from camp of love. But fools do live and waster their little light, And seek with pain their ever-during night. When timely death my life and fortune ends, Let not my hearse be vexed with mourning friends; But let all lovers rich in triumph come, And with sweet pastime grace my happy tomb. And, Lesbia, close up thou my little light, And crown with love by ever-during night.