As you know, I’m approaching my ‘half-way’ mark in my life and am approaching a new chapter (in more ways than one).
I’ve found a new job/career; well, to be clear, I’m going back into a career of old that I love and am very excited to embark on it once again. But this new chapter in this new book of my life has a new love story, a new set of friends (along with many of the old) and new opportunities. I mean, I’m ecstatic! I’m taking these opportunities and running with them in full force and I’m NOT looking back. So, why is it that some people insist on plummeting themselves back into the black-hole they’ve come out of?
I’ve to this friend who just got out of rehab and had been sober for approximately eighty-five days and has fallen off that wagon of sobriety into the fog of a drunken haze. I don’t understand it! And I guess I never will. This person was so close to death, I thought they understood that. But the disease of addiction is so cunning that it grabbed hold at their weakest point and threw them through the Rabbit Hole into the land of haze and fog. I don’t know what else I can do. Honey thinks I should talk with this person. I’m afraid to, I’m afraid of the consequences of my words/actions.
Then there is the guilt that if I don’t say anything I will have been negligent and helped nail their coffin. So many things are going around in my head (swirling around, is more like it). I just don’t understand this belief that this person has that they truly think they have me fooled. They truly believe that I believe they are leaving each and every night for a meeting, when, in reality, they are waiting for a cab to take them to the store for some ‘shopping’ (gotta replace that Vodka!).
These days, as opposed to feeling giddy that I’ve got this fantastic life, love and job; I feel as if I’ve been placed back into a nightmare and simply want to wake up… but I can’t. I’m living what I left my marriage over. I’ve spent my life running from conflict just like this. Now to back up, I didn’t necessarily run from the conflict of telling my ex-husband that I knew he was drinking. But with my mother, I never stood up for myself. I simply overlooked everything and ignored it; and, more to the point, I removed myself from the situation.
So, here I am; stuck in the same situation (but oh so much worse!). And, you know what they say about the Universe? At first, it whispers, then it speaks a bit louder, then louder. Until finally it is beating us over the head and screaming in our ears. Whatever the situation is that we need to conquer, it will never go away until we learn to rise up and face it and deal with it. I saw something on my Facebook page that someone posted. It said, simply; “FEAR – has two meanings; Face Everything And Run, or Face Everything And Rise.” (How appropriate!).
So, here I sit writing when I should be talking. But, how? Will they even hear me? Will they even remember? It’s like they have some sort of a death wish, which is really sad. I just don’t want to face it and know that I must… I must FACE EVERYTHING AND RISE…