New Year’s is always a time for reflection (well, for most anyway) and a time for ‘rebirth’ and ‘second chances’. An occasion when we all feel we can start over by putting the problems of the past where they belong; in the past and move on to our futures. 2012 has met me with many challenges, some very large hurdles and some wonderful happiness’.
December marks nine months since the death of my beloved sister Kimball. She died on a Monday morning; when I left her just a few hours prior, something told me not to. And, as fate would have it, I was awoken by a phone call from the hospital at 2:20 a.m. The Charge Nurse said that she was speaking with the nurse, went to say something and breathed out her last breath. My sister embarked on her next journey, the journey that she feared most of all. Her fear? Was to leave this life without leaving her mark. Without making a difference. Dear Kimball, you did make a difference. With every child you taught, every person you were in contact with and with each of us in your family and friends.
We all have feelings of regret and wishes of making a difference in this life. We want to leave our mark. But I believe in each of our lives we do, maybe not on the ‘grand’ scale, but on a more fundamental level. And it is through her life and her death that I’ve learned the greatest gift of all; to not let my life go on the same path of regret. As I’ve said before, we all have talents that, while we take them for granted, so many would kill for (the grass is always greener), we simply need to enjoy them and put them to good use. For it is those talents that give great joy to not only ourselves, but it is the sharing of those talents that give the greatest joy to others and, in turn, back to ourselves. (get the picture here?)
While the year showed me growth through grief (grief I never imagined); 2012 also showed me great happiness and love. As I rose out of the depths of the grief from the loss of my sister, I was blessed by the entrance of a wonderful man who showed me laughter, happiness and love; the type of love that I thought I would never experience in my life. This man taught me great things about myself and I can only hope I was able to let him see the greatness in himself as well. Our relationship wouldn’t last and I’m left with the question of why? We merely had a disagreement, nothing more. And in true Ann form, I will dive deep within to find what I’ve done to allow our love to part ways.
I had thought that I found my ‘soul mate’ (still do). But as I’ve said before, a relationship doesn’t just simply end, it erodes. And I guess ours was ‘eroding’ for a time; I felt the erosion some time ago. Still, this man taught me to laugh again, and showed me my beauty through his eyes (on the inside and out); and no matter what happens I will forever be in his debt. Am I sad? Yes (heart-broken), but there isn’t much a person can do to change the mind of another. It is what it is and he has made up his mind. And I shall move on with my life.
Which brings me onto the next thing I’ve learned in 2012; I’m not able to ‘fix’ people (finally, eh?), they are who they are. Also, people will most likely show you who they are from the start. They aren’t the one’s lying about their true selves, we are; to ourselves. We usually see, with our own eyes, the true character of a person, but choose to ignore it. One thing about the Universe, it will continue knocking on our head until it is lopping us with a brick. I’ve been lopped with a brick a few times in my life and I must say; thank God for that brick.
So, 2012 was supposed to be the ‘end of the world’; however for this woman on her quest, it is the beginning of a whole new life. I’ve got a new job now, I’m writing (again… sorry for the long time between posts). And I’m singing with more and more people, which should be picking up even more so in January. Yes, it ended bittersweet with the break-up and a whopping heart-break, but when you look at the grand scheme of everything, it’s all good. I still love Honey, I always will. We just weren’t a match I guess. The way I look at it, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We all lead each other to the next step, and on to the next. Who knows where I’ll go? Perhaps it’ll be just that much closer to finding a happier, more content Ann MacGregor. Happy New Year Everyone! May 2013 bring you lots of prosperity, health and LOVE!