The holidays are over and we embark on a new year full of promise and new beginnings. As you know 2012 had its challenges, no doubt about that; and it ended with its heartache (true). However, there comes a time in all of our lives when the tides of time turn, whether for the better or worse, and come to a balance once again. And I do believe my tide has come in.
This last week was my first complete week back to work in a couple of weeks now and with it came the return of the Ann of over a decade ago. Before my mother’s dementia, my sister’s cancer and ex-husband’s stroke; before all my care-taking duties, money worries, miscarriages and interventions, I used to be fun and funny. It seems as though I’ve walked with the weight of the world on my shoulders for so long that, now that it has lifted, I’m literally walking lighter by about three feet off the ground.
So, I have to ask myself why? Why, after the heart-break of the holidays and breaking up with my boyfriend, do I feel that I am now back to myself? Isn’t this a bit weird? Shouldn’t I be ‘suffering’ more? I’m not complaining, mind you; just curious. I’ve enjoyed each and every day, as if I’m in harmony with whatever the Universe has planned. Right down to the parking space that pops up right in front of the building I’m intending to enter (Amazing!). Then again, when you think of it, it isn’t that outlandish that I should feel this way. I’ve spent most of my life looking for happiness in the men of my life. Now, I’ve never been one of those women who always had to have a man around (I am my mother’s daughter after all). But I seemed to think that within each of them contained pieces of my happiness. As if I weren’t whole without their acceptance.
I’m divorced now and find that nothing can tick me off more than to have a man scold me like a child or treat me like their ‘little’ girl. This is something I’ve been long accustomed to, I just took it, thinking that was the only way to be accepted and to be loved. Well, I’m fifty now; FIFTY! And I’ve come to realize that I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy my independence and worrying only for myself. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I respect myself and treat myself as an adult (something that my ex lovers found so difficult to grasp).
Again, it’s not that I didn’t love my ex-husband or my recent ex-boyfriend (who I am still scratching my head and asking “What the Hell?”); actually there were many ‘loves’ in my life, each of whom taught me a bit more about myself. But I still only saw them as a ‘filler’ to my complete happiness. And only until recently have I discovered that I alone hold the keys (silly huh?). But I did. Perhaps that is why I walk with that extra pep in my step.
I’ve always said that I would rather be ‘alone’ than to be ‘lonely’. The difference? You can be ‘alone’ and fully happy keeping yourself entertained with whatever you wish to do. But you can be ‘lonely’ whether you are alone or in a room full of people, or with another person in a relationship. I’ve been lonely in a relationship and do not intend to be back there again.
Again, I loved Honey. He brought me laughter, joy and happiness that I never thought I would feel. But, at the same time, I felt unsure of his feelings, and felt insecure that what he was telling me truth or tail. One thing about my ex-husband, I could bank on what he told me (the exception being his drinking… he was lying to me about that… obviously!). But I never doubted his word, for his word meant something. I didn’t get that from Honey. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I felt “messed with”. Again, like I was being used as an object. Perhaps I wasn’t, then again, why didn’t he put up a fight if he loved me so much.
All that is neither here nor there; the point is that I’m back to my old self. I do believe I’m finding ‘her’ again. She has stepped out of the reflection, touched my cheek and looked deep into my eyes. I’ve said it before and really mean it now; I like this Ann MacGregor… I believe we are going to be life long friends.
There is still much to know; however, what I’ve found out so far; she is independent, bold, funny, intelligent, brave, cunning and diplomatic. Yes; I like her… I love her most certainly!