would go to our Women’s Retreat. A dear friend of mine will be joining me as I’m not sure how I will handle this moment by moment. I do think I should go since I always enjoy the ritual, but know that last year, being that it was the first year Kimball couldn’t make it, I was a basket case. Yesterday I received a call from my dear friend; she had a fever and the chills (uh oh… “damn” I said in y head), she has the flu. It looks like I’ll be facing this alone.
Being that I’ve never believed anything has ever happened without a purpose, I’ve decided to go it alone. I’m still not quite sure how this will affect me and how I will take that empty chair beside me. But, I have always been a ‘rip the bandage off’ type of girl; so, in its honor I shall ‘rip that bandage off’ and face the people and the event, alone. Who knows, maybe I’ll make some new friends.
Truthfully though, I’m not much of a social ‘gabber’. There are people who have the ‘gift of gab’; I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I would just a soon be at a table by myself. And, in this situation, we are seated at table that seat ten people who usually know each other. So, in a way, I am seated by myself (just what I wanted 🙂 ). Seriously, I generally go for the speakers and the singing more than anything else; and, I am hopeful that I will meet a few people before the weekend is through.
Whenever I’m faced with situations like this, I’m always puzzled as to why my hands get so clammy and I get so nervous. I’m a fifty year old woman, its high time I start to act like the confident woman who other’s obviously seem to think I am. I know this from what my friends tell me (I don’t see it… but do we ever? Do we ever see our own self in the eyes of other’s?). Spring is in the air and I am starting it off with a doozy of a klutzy move.
OMG! I can’t believe I did what I did! In a moment of weakness I sent an email to Honey. I know, I know! How stupid and pathetic am I? But, I wrote my feelings; that I was sorry for the previous letter and that I had hoped we could talk and possibly get back together. If not? I would certainly understand. I further wrote that I thought he deserved a woman who would bring him the happiness he deserved. I ended it by stating “that was the letter I should have written…”
I didn’t beg (though I wanted to); I haven’t stalked (though the thought has come up and it has been tempting…). I just miss him. I miss the way he would look at me. I miss the way he made me laugh and the way he made me feel. I miss the taste of his lips when we kissed (God, they should package that flavor). I did love him and to say I didn’t, or to try to be coy and say that those months meant nothing just isn’t in me. I truly don’t know what happened and I don’t know if I’ll ever have the privilege of his company again. But, I do have the memories. He’s not necessarily the “one that got away”; but he is ‘the one’ that I will always think of, fondly.
I know I should be careful and I know that I’m in a very vulnerable place. But I also know that the fire change my perspective. It changed my priorities on who I wish to spend my time with and what I will spend my time on. I hope I’ll have a chance to find someone with the same wit of Honey and someone who will look at me with the same intensity. Thank you Honey for giving me a new level to judge by.