Grief, it hits a person like a lead ball in the heart. The funny thing about a broken heart is that it keeps on beating; all the while, you’re thinking that there is no way it’s possible to be pumping fluid, but it is and you are still alive, ready to face yet another day without your loved one. Today marks one year since the passing of my dear sister Kimball and I miss her terribly; however, I must admit that I’ve come a long way since March 2012.
By this time last year, I couldn’t see past the end of the week, let alone the following year. Now, I’m looking into the future with excitement and enthusiasm, making plans for a life I’ve never had the courage to live. Looking on this last year, I’ve gone through the grief of losing my sister, then into a wonderful love affair, then having that affair come to an abrupt end; thereby breaking my heart yet again. I declared my independence and moved into my apartment only to find it in ashes a mere five days later. Whew! What a year!
But as I’ve said time and again, “LIFE” happens to all of us. And what we take from it is what we’ve learned. Now, part of that “life” is death, a passage none of us can escape. What I’ve read, and have come to understand and believe, is that death is not an end but a passage; a beginning. We mourn because we no longer have our loved one physically with us; but what we don’t seem to understand, because we cannot see with our eyes or feel with our senses, is that our loved ones are still with us. We are merely here, in physical form, to enjoy this journey and to learn. That is my belief.
I can remember as a girl, we lost our father when I was a year old and though he was not with us in physical form, nobody could tell me that he was not with me, by my side, each and every day; I could feel him, right by my side, protecting me. Somewhere around the time after I got married was when he left. But he was there, no doubt about it. Later, when I was an adult and shared my feelings with my mother, she told me his last words were, “take care of my baby.” According to her, he must have wanted to make sure of that. Mother too, was a big believer in the continuation of the Spirit. I could go on and on about the stories of what our aunt and the neighbors thought they saw after his death (actually very funny as they were very strict Catholics… a story for another post). Point being, this was my feeling and belief. Is it science? No. But I don’t necessarily have to have science to prove to me something I believe (or know to be) true.
So much has happened this last year, and there has been a huge transformation within me. When I look back and think of where I was, compared to where I am and where I’m going, it is quite an accomplishment. Driving home today from a massage appointment my girlfriend had given me, I was noticing the trees; Spring is definitely here, with all the flowers, the trees were in full bloom with white peddles blowing in the wind. The peddles were whirling around, it looked like snow (a “Spring snow”). This time last year it was dismal, I had been up since 2:20 in the morning and my heart literally felt like it had been ripped into pieces. People told me that the pain would lessen with time and, though I knew logically this was true, I couldn’t see it.
But time has healed my wounded, ripped heart. Somehow I’m now able to see life from a different perspective, look into the future, yes even with rose-colored glasses (sometimes). I’m singing much more often, writing and have survived. There was the fire a month ago; but I’ve survived! I’m the proverbial Phoenix, remember? I’ve arisen from the ashes and am now forging a new path
One thing time hasn’t seem to have healed, however is the bad blood that has festered between my niece and I. Things have been estranged ever since our last Christmas… I miss her and hope she is well; I only want the best for her, I think she knows that. The relationship with my nephew and niece are the relationships that I would love to have back on track, but again, I’m hopeful that time will heal. I just want them to know how much I love them and how much we all love them. This was something that Kimball wanted more than anything; Family.
This time last year Kimball made her passage back to her true self and, in time, I’ve been able to heal so that I can make my transformation to my true earthly self. The self I’ve been afraid of pursuing. The events of recent weeks have helped me to realize that the time for my “passage” is now. Just what exactly my final shape will be? Stay tuned… the sculptor is ever creating.