As children we were often asked the age-old question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” To which we answered – astronaut, doctor, dancer, ballerina, actress [fill in the blank…], and to which many of our answers would change on a daily basis… depending, who’s to blame us, we’re kids. Some, on the other hand, had answers that were far more direct as they knew exactly what they wanted to be (or do). I know that my sister Kimball knew she wanted to be a teacher, she knew this since she was very young – early grade school. And yet, some seemed so ‘pie in the sky’; or were they?
As for me, I knew that I wanted to be an actress/performer as long as I could talk. I knew the type of songs I wanted to sing and they weren’t the current Rock n Roll or R & B of the current time. I fell in love with the songs of the 40’s and 50’s (even the 30’s) and could envision myself in front of a band singing for anyone that would hear. I was singing to audiences as early as five or six (I was on key and could belt it to the last row…). So how is it that got so far off course? I guess one could say that, like everything else in my life, I just didn’t trust that I could do it. I didn’t believe in myself enough to follow my heart – follow my path. But, as we have been witnessed to in recent events, the Universe has allowed me a new opportunity to forge a new path and to seek out my dream once again.
My dreams have adjusted a bit, but I have to wonder; is it too late? I’ve been told that 50 is the new 30 – or is it 40? And that it is never too late to go for what you want. In fact, stories of people changing careers ‘mid-life’ are popping up more and more – CNN issued a story about a man who started medical school at 48 (http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/06/13/mid.life.doctors/index.html) and when he is done he will be 58… Too late? It doesn’t look like it from this angle.
In this generation where we are living longer and longer and living – hopefully – healthier lives, it’s not so inconceivable to have more than one career. I see a future of people ‘retiring’ into a new career, or simply changing their paths altogether. So, if they can do it; who’s to say I can’t?
“Well, that’s a great question Ann. However, your main problem isn’t knowing what you want to do, it’s doing it.” I must say that I have got to be the Queen of Procrastination. I have the affliction so bad that I keep hoping for a cure. I mean c’mon, there has got to be something out there (Electroshock Therapy perhaps?)… So, where does this ‘procrastination’ stem from? Is it from the fear of failure or is it the fear of success?
Success would mean that I’m committed… But there is also the fear of the unknown, what to do each day, how to do what it is I need to do. As I start thinking of all that I need to do, my mind goes into a whirlwind and starts whirling down the path so fast that it gets way ahead of itself. I’m left dealing with a tornado tearing through my thoughts and slicing through them almost as destructively as a real storm cuts through anything in its wake; and I am now left picking up the pieces and putting them back together.
I tell myself “one day at a time, one item at a time.” And to concentrate on the most pressing first; but then I see those awful thunder clouds. I’ve been on a quest to quiet my mind, whether through meditation, courses, reading. I used to meditate each morning for 10 minutes and have resorted back to the daily regimen – it’s helpful and I know that it will only be a matter of time. But I do need to find a better way to quiet my mind and to focus and with that yearning in my heart, I’ve decided to take some courses. Still, there is the ‘comparison game’ – I know, it’s a horribly dangerous game to play with one’s self; and I – for one – have been far too guilty of being an active player, my whole life. Guilty of it until recently. It took my dear sisters battle with cancer and her fight (literally) against death – and her reluctance to leave this life for fear (FEAR) of not leaving her mark as her friends did – to realize that we are all unique and we all have our mark.
Perhaps there is no ‘right’ way of reaching for our goals. This really isn’t a race, is it? This is an individual journey after all and it will be me and ME alone who will be at the end of my life. Since we don’t know when that is, the journey is indefinite. Now the ‘comparison game’ is just that, a fool’s game; one that has no true end, no positive outcome, there’s no way to truly keep score and only has heart-break, tears and hopelessness. Why would anyone wish to play such a game of roulette? Because it is just that SUICIDE.
At the ripe YOUNG age of fifty, I have realized that I do wish to follow my dreams and pursue my own business – while writing and singing (and possibly playing my hand and songwriting) – because, as I’ve discovered, this is my journey and there are only my rules on how I want my life to – not necessarily turn out in the end, but to flow along and what scenery it is that I want to view as I walk or float by. It is never too late; you can always change your life – ALWAYS.
I’ve been very blessed in my life – especially during this stage of my life. I truly couldn’t ask for anything more. I mean, we all would LOVE to come into a million dollars, but honestly? As ‘Poly Anna’ish’ as this sounds, will a million dollars really make you feel loved? Will it make you laugh? Listen to your troubles? Well, I think you get my drift. I’m very blessed and, again, I’ve got my dream – my friends and, as humble as I am to have been asked to sing with them, I’m so tickled pink that they did ask and that I do…
So, what are you going to be when you grow up? Do you see yourself ‘retiring’ into something else? Owning your own business? Going into the arts? I would love to hear your story… And I would love to hear how you quell the thoughts in your head. They say the only things we regret are those deep desires we had the chance to do and put off or never even tried. How sad it is that people live with this in their hearts. Most go through life thinking that ‘fame’ is the answer; I will never be famous. But I write and sing because these are things that give me joy, so much so that I literally can’t wait to get to my computer to start writing.
That is the journey that I want and am living. Many stay on a path that is safe; they’ve been doing the same tasks for their whole careers, it’s safe. But, it grows tired and so do they. That is when change must happen – yet for most it will not. Make it happen for you… everything is possible.
WHITE HORSE – By Kat Everitt
I am waiting for the White Horse
I am waiting for the Changes
That will for true decide All
I am waiting for the Wave whose
Crest will carry me higher
Than this Grey has ever gone
I am waiting for the Tide to carry
Home to me and me to the Mer
Sea is Home maybe I am
Waiting for being able to
Breathe in these Mountains
As if I belonged here having
Never Belonged Any Where
I am waiting for one more Shiver
Great Pleasure of Sex and Seaweeds
Am waiting for a Child. a Man. A
Woman in me who will Sing so
Beautiful All The Birds will fall
Out of the Sky in delightfulness
I am probably waiting to be Born
Born into Something to which I
I am waiting for the Past not to be
Only my Past and the Future
To Be Probable and probably
For the Present to have Meaning
Clear as the glass hooves of a
White Horse galloping on
Silver Blue Waves upon which
Like Ophelia I shall wither where
Shall I go a Flower leaving
Seeds and Pollen and Rebirth
Into this World of Changes
To Which I Sing
- I dreamt of being a horse (julygirlblog.wordpress.com)
- on life and love… (amorousnostalgia.wordpress.com)