A Bonk on the Head Reveals a Contusion to the Ego

On Monday morning I had awoken to a nasty (I mean NASTY) goose egg sized bruise on my forehead and down to the bridge of my nose.  BangHeadHereCoupled with a nasty bruise on my right shoulder.  I had no idea how it got there.  Had I become a sleep-walker?  Was it night terrors?  Or worse, a seizure?  I simply had no recollection and I was sober!  I simply remembered going to bed, like normal while visiting my friends.  I sleep in their ‘bunk beds’ they have for their grandkids and I sleep in the lower bunk.  Woke up the next morning with a humdinger of a head-ache, touched my forehead and, ouch!  When I looked into the mirror I was horrified.

So, I stayed over an extra day and drove home the next.  Still, I seemed to be getting worse – lethargic, sleepy, nauseous; but still very reluctant to go to the doctor or hospital… all those tests and all that waiting – not to mention the fact that nothing is wrong, with all that money I’ve spent only to be told to “take two aspirin and call me in the morning.”   I know, better safe than sorry; but it just seems so wrong.  However, by Friday night, my friends were nagging me to go the doctor.  I agreed that if nothing was better by morning, I would check into ER.

Next morning came and was accompanied by more head-aches and lethargy, coupled with nausea.  OK!  I concede – but who to call?  This is HelpWantedwhere the fingers do the walking; walking through my ‘contact’ list and I must ask someone for that oh so needed favor.  Then it hit me, why am I so reluctant to ask for a very much-needed favor?  I was sick and needed to go to the hospital.  It wasn’t like a stubbed my toe or broke a nail; I had a concussion!  This seems to be the question of the year for most women.  Why is it that we are more than willing to drop everything for our friends, yet when we need someone to drop everything for us, we simply can’t cash in and ask?

I called my friend (one of my BFF’s) and she came through, thankfully.  I have many friends on this list and know how blessed I am; and I would do anything for these women.  So why is it so difficult for me to reach out to call any of them when I need them for help?  What is it in my psyche that makes it so difficult to ask for or allow help in my life?

Now, there has been disappointments in the past, but surely the past is the past.  Or is it?  Do we really learn from our past or do we keep repeating the behaviors expecting different results.  And if we are compelled to continue to live within the cyclone of the latter, how can we thrust ourselves out of this moronic cycle?

Thinking back, as I’ve written in earlier posts, this has been an issue with prior relationships.  My ex-husband for one.  It was just easier for me to simply do for myself then to ask for his help.  I started this cycle and later blamed him for his lack of interest in our relationship – how idiotic was that?  I’m not about to take the full blame of our relationship going to the dogs (so to speak); but I do think that my lack of asking played its role.

And as I recognize this wall that I keep revisiting, I know that it is time I climb it once and for all and get past it – conquer it, for I know that I do have many that would come to my aid just as I would them.  There are those ‘fare-thee-well’ friends that you hang out with, but you can never really count on for a variety of reasons.  But on the other hand, I have several that I know I can.  Friends who have proven to me time and again that they have been there for me.  I just need to ‘get over it’ and ask.

Also, ‘asking’ is a matter of including and allowing people to help.  So many times, people truly want to help, but don’t know what to do and to be turned away or ignored; well that can be like the proverbial slap in the face – as if to say, “I don’t trust that you will do what I need the right way.”  Or to simply say, “I don’t trust you; therefore, I don’t Love you”… ouch!

That happened to me when I wanted to come to the aid of a friend of mine… I knew that she was very worried about an upcoming operation.  She is the kind of person who never cries in front of anybody, never lets anybody see her down and never lets her guard down.  I’ve known her for almost three decades, have seen her at her most vulnerable, have had her tears soak my shoulder.  So, knowing how worried she was about the upcoming procedure, and, knowing how full her husband’s plate was as he was dealing with family illness’, I decided to fly down book a room at the local hotel; I merely wanted to HelpKeyhelp out…  At first she was so very excited, ecstatic!  Pulled out a bottle of wine in celebration.  Then by the next couple of days – she turned me down cold…  I realize that they had their reasons, still I felt pretty useless and ugly.  I felt bad for even offering – another issue for another post.

So, one would think that I should have learned by my friends example and by how horrible I felt.  But it’s a different feeling coming from your own issue.  And I intend to nip it…  I don’t want to ever make anyone feel ugly or useless.  That was pretty crummy.  But it does take courage to ask; courage that must come from the heart and not the ego.  Ego just gets in the way.

As of today, my phone has been ringing off the hook by friends checking in on me – I simply love them… All of them!  I’m taking it easy; I’m writing, which is a great sign.  This will take me some time, but as with everything, a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step… then the next, then the next… and so on, and so on, and so on…  I’ll get there.  What about you?

HoldingTheHealingLight

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