Growing up as little girls, we are taught that the ultimate goal in life is to live ‘happily ever after’; to meet Prince Charming… And that, in order to do this, we will need to go through a sequence of rituals that have one ultimate goal in mind – to win the BEST PRINCE on the planet. And to live “Happily Ever After.”
Now these rituals start off with the grooming of ourselves to the point of sloughing off dead skin cells and manicuring our toes/feet and finger nails… Waxing has been added to the mix, of which is to include the eye-brows, our upper and lower lips, our chins, our jaw lines (if necessary) and, the ultimate of waxing – the bikini! This procedure (if you can call it that), has hit the all-time high in the ‘list’ of rituals when it comes to pain (in my book)… And we do this, why again? Oh! To get that Prince Charming… to live ‘Happily Ever After’… (I forgot…)
In the beginning of this blog, back in 2010 – God, I can’t believe it’s been almost three years! – I started writing in my attempt to find my best friend (myself)… in these last three years, I’ve gone through quite a journey. Divorce, Death and Desertion is what they say are the key ingredients to a women’s resurgence. And the ‘Death’ of my marriage, followed by my ‘Divorce’ caused me to go through an incredible rebirth.
So much so, that I’m at a place in my life where (and believe me when I say that this was NEVER something I EVER thought would come out of my head) I truly don’t have a desire for a romantic relationship. I’m very pleased and happy to be on this journey in a relationship with myself. I have my friendships and, for now, they are very fulfilling to me. I can run to the restaurant with my girlfriends, catch a meal and not worry about the ‘after-meal’… worry about the ego, worry about any of that stuff you worry about on dates or in romantic relationships. I can just be ‘me’… the woman who has an opinion, who loves to laugh – out loud (really loud, sometimes) and who just loves to whoop it up.
Before you get all ‘hater’ on me and start sending those emails… I LOVE men… I truly do. I’m just going through a little ‘self-discovery’ period right now. And this period will last, how long? I truly don’t know. But, it is a necessary part of my journey. One that I’ve not really allowed myself to fully be on. I’ve really not allowed myself to just ‘be’ and trust myself and be with myself. For the first time I’m alone. No family nearby and only the love of good friends to hold on to. I’ll need to learn to ask for help when it’s needed. And I’ll need to reach out more. This is the time for me to do the ‘reaching’ because this was something that I did fail in in my relationship with both my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend (Honey, you remember him? I really didn’t do right by him on a certain level… must learn to curb that).
If I’m to be whole again, I need to learn that, not only can I stand on my own two feet (once and for all); but that it isn’t those of whom I depend that will let me down, it’s that I’m afraid I will let myself down. (Ah! Yes… makes a difference, doesn’t it?) I’ve let myself down so many times with not following through on my own dreams, and my own goals. I’ve led a life that I’ve despised in others; whereby, I’ve blamed others for my disappointments.
This is a tough thing to swallow (truth always is), but it must be faced if we are to move forward and make the necessary changes to improve our paths in life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not beating myself down (or up), I’m merely facing some hard-core facts about myself that I’ve not truly written in stone before. And it has been proven in these last three years that it is very therapeutic for me to put my feelings in writing… As I’ve made quite a bit of progress along the way. And it is always my intention that others might read and learn from my bloody knees… or at the very least, know that they aren’t alone and that there is still hope.
Life is always full of learning; I’m grateful to be of a mind that I can look – I’ll be it, critically – and learn from the mistakes of my past. I can only hope that I can move forward with the knowledge I’ve gained and not be doomed to repeat it.
I found the following passage and thought it appropriate – for the most part. It spoke to me.
“There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without pre-established harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise shall give hint no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance
In closing, will I find “love” again? I really don’t know if it’s in the cards (only the Universe truly knows that answer). I only know that there is a time and place for everything… My time will come – then again, maybe not. I must live authentically, and be true to Me. We all must learn to be true to ourselves, live to our potentials and beyond and take the celebrations when the opportunity presents itself. Life is not just a dream, those dreams do come true – once we apply ourselves and realize that we can, after our follow-through, depend on ourselves.