Dating and the Married Man (uh… what is the point again?)

Men, they come in all shapes and sizes and looks.  Tall ones, short one, lean and fat ones… (hmm… it reminds me of a men-who-dont-wear-wedding-ringssong I sang).  There are the tall, dark and handsome types and the blonde haired and blue-eyed Romeo’s.  Regardless of their dimensions, we go googlie eyed over these gents and get into relationships in the hopes that they will be the ‘One’.  Never in our wildest dreams, while anticipating how our names look together, do we hope to find that they are the One – somebody else’s One.

As a single woman, I’ve been on a dating roller coaster since I can remember.  And, since I can remember, my heart has been broken.  Now, as I look back, those heartaches and breaks were the result of many reasons – such as I was in love with them and they fell out of love with me, they simply were never interest in me and fell for another or (dum, dum, dummmmm!) they were married.  The old “Married Man seeking Single Woman” phenomena has been going on since the beginning of time.  My question is why?  And when will it stop?

Recently, it occurred to me that I must have a sign on my forehead that is flashing a light, stating (or promising) some fantastic reward if they lie to me and fulfill their conquest.  So, question: short of a lie detector, how can a single woman truly trust that the man she is seeing, or talking with, is single?  Now, the other night, I was out with some girlfriends and there were two gentlemen that came along; one was a longtime friend of one of my girlfriends.

I met both of them, they seemed wonderful, were both married.  Not a problem as we were simply enjoying the evening (dinner, music and wine…).  The friend of my friend’s friend started to drink a bit too much… and got a bit too close to me.  Telling me how beautiful I was, and that I should have more confidence in myself and my singing.  This was sounding more like a ‘big brother’ talk, as opposed to your average ‘pick-up line’.  So I was feeling a bit of relief.

Then the conversation started to turn and he wanted my phone number.  (This should have been a danger signal…).  I immediately told him no; reminding him of his marital status (something that I believed he’d forgotten… possibly he developed a paralyses in his left finger and could no longer feel his wedding ring).  I even told him that this was sounding an awful lot like a pick-up line… and that it was creepy.  To which he insisted… no.  So, I don’t know how or why I caved, but I did… seemed to be innocent enough.

As the evening went on, it all got weird and he got way too close (closer with every drink, he sandwiched me in between himself and my girlfriend on the booth side of our table), I was feeling quite claustrophobic  As he filled up on margaritas, apparently so did his bladder, as soon as he left for the restroom, I was able to make my escape and move from the booth to the chair.  Shortly after that, we left… He still didn’t get the hint and asked that I call him in the morning (demanded would be more accurate).  To which I replied… “I will not call you tomorrow or any other day… you are married.  Plus, I’m not interested.  Good-bye.”   He was still insistent, and I replied again, “it will be a snow ball’s chance of me calling.”

The evening, a wonderful evening that started by my meeting some wonderful people and making new friendships, was hindered by the come-on of this man.  And it forced me to ask the question; why is it that people do this?  – I’m not going to be so sexist as to simply generalize this into all ‘men’, then again, I don’t know many women who would do this… though I’m sure I’ll be proven wrong (so I’ll leave it alone and bring it back to me).  I tried not to let it ruin what was honestly a fabulous evening, but I did have to ask the question to myself – that being, why do I seem to be attracting the married man?  Do I have a sign on my forehead?   And if so, is there a way to take it down?  Can I reprogram my pheromones?  I mean, obviously it’s me right?

It all started when I was in college (the first time)… there was this guy who sang in the band… I fell for him, hard.  And of course once I fell, and after we had dated for a while, he came over to my apartment where my roommate and I were getting ready for work.  He stopped by like he always did, with a six-pack of Michelob.  As we were talking and laughing, he was talking about something and mentions, “me and my wife were…”  I just stopped,  mid-action, with my make-up brush in hand above my eye.  Later, my roommate told me that I looked as though a drill had gone through my body and drilled through every organ.  That is honestly how I felt; as if something was ripping through every vital organ.  I never thought the human body could hurt like that.

So, how can we reprogram our ‘scent of attraction’, or is it even possible?  This is something that has me completely baffled.  Being a woman who has made the choice to be single and has made the conscious choice to simply be in a relationship with myself; I’m beginning to feel that this whole “being in a relationship with one’s own self” isn’t such a bad idea.  At least I know my marital status.

I used to think, to each their own.  However, now I simply get nauseated at the thought, the unwanted advances and the slithering way of the snake.  And the other night, I was nauseated and annoyed, angry (both at him and myself) and simply, violated.  But, the bottom line is that I have the control here.  My friend’s friend stepped in and was the perfect gentleman.  Apologizing for his friend’s behavior; which he had no control over, though I did appreciate his nobility.

Nope, there is something in my psyche that is attracting this form of behavior, and if there is an ‘attractant’, then there must be a ‘detract-ant’.   Where there’s a will, there’s a way, I am my mother’s daughter, after all and I will find it.


6 thoughts on “Dating and the Married Man (uh… what is the point again?)

  1. Nora, such a great discourse on the bad boys out there, you filled in a lot of the information needed to watch out for along with your most recent turn of events. Sorry, you deserve a good person to come along, if you are still interested. I have had at least 50 of these married encounters, never in quite the full degree since I was about 29 and single the first time. But I have attracted a variety of what I term “broken men.” I am sure there is a specific book I found this phrase and borrowed it! I liked a nice and average man last year, the ‘fisherman’ stories abound in my posts. I even went on vacation, the whole time saying to myself, “This is fun, this means nothing.” Well, he had gotten back with his old girlfriend right before he, his sister and I went on vacation. I wrote that I was just hanging out “for fun” with him in the winter months playing pool or going bowling. But, underneath it all, I had hope he would like ME! Not a chance, just killing time while she was busy. At least I am trying to make more of an effort to look more in grocery stores, etc. instead of bars… Feel bad for you but you know my Dad (died in 2001) said, “You always see the best in people, men show that best while dating but watch out and protect that heart!” I was married to an alcoholic, a philanderer and a control freak. (Yep! 3x!) All flawed individuals! We need to have a happy, secure men only
    club, but then, like you said, they can say that is what they are but…

    • So true, so true. You and I have so much in common! So, I’m guessing that if they are showing their ‘best’ selves, then it had better be DAMN fantastic! [smile] Thank you for your comment, it helps me much more than you know. It is a wonderful thing to know that I’m not the only one with ‘married’ pheromones… lol

  2. Yeh…I dunno. That is true that sometimes we do attract a certain kind of people. Therefor, we have to look in ourselves (like the person who always ends up with an unfaithful partner or in an unhealthy relationship). But it seems, like a situation where you are sitting in the bar and some asshole decides to be an asshole…you can’t really help it (unless the bar you go to is specifically for meeting assholes), but at least you saw it for what it is and didn’t go any further. And I think that’s where some people have a problem, they’ll take it further and get involved with that person which will lead to heartbreak.

    • Very true… sometimes we simply don’t have control – people usually will show us who they are the first time (it is up to us to believe it or not). Thank you for your words and time… much appreciated.

  3. A great post. Have you stopped to wonder what is it that make married men seek single women? How true is this in comparison to the other way round that is married women seeking single men? Is there a difference in the ratings here?


    • Touché – and no, having not really been on ‘the hunt’ as a married woman (lol), I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able answer that question. However, you bring up a good point. I’m not sure the feeling would be the same… as I don’t know how men feel when a woman so obnoxiously comes on to them. Do they have that same “eeuww” feeling? Or is it more dismissed? At any rate, I thank you for stopping by and for your kind words… I do hope to see you back and that you will feel free to leave your feedback.

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