Milestones (Ok Ann, What Is It This Time?)

Saponified Grief

Milestones come to us at various stages of our life and in various forms.  The most famous being: Age.  However, there are those milestones, such as the riding a bike, driving a car, graduating high school/college and that first ‘real’ job.  These are the points in our life that we look back and remember (as if looking at a map and referring to the ‘flags’ on each state we stopped for a moment).  Yes, milestones can be wonderful points of reference for each of our lives.

As wonderful as these stages can be, they can also be points of grief, sadness and regret.  This week, and last, has been another ‘milestone’ to place on my board along with all the graduations, marriage, divorce, deaths.  With the placing of Kimball’s house on the market, it seems that my emotions have gone into yet another frenzy.  I can usually tell when something isn’t right when I cry out of the clear blue sky at shows like Judging Amy or the Hallmark commercials.  Now, it is true, I’ve been known for making appointments with myself to cry (yes, I do love a good cry); but I must have some control here… C’mon!  I also know things aren’t ‘right in my brain’ when I start doubting my friend’s friendship toward me… or cry at the drop of a hat when asked, “What’s wrong?”  So, this is when I must delve in, in the hopes of finding out; “Ann, what the hell is it this time?”

So, Ann; what the hell is it this time?  I wish I could answer this question.   I thought I was over the emotional roller coaster that grief had flung me onto.  At least until October, or Christmas.  But, just when I think all is right with the world, bam!  There I am, back on it again!  I’m really getting tired of this up and down, whirl around ride… I used to love roller coasters, but I am officially done with them.

The Scenic Railway at Luna Park, Melbourne, is...

Truth be told, my life is going along very well.  I’m researching editors, publishers and going through all that is to be included in the manuscript.  My foundation – that is getting closer to completion.  I’m singing more and more, making new friends daily.  I have a wonderful ring of friends here and around the country.  I’ve been very blessed, honestly.  Many would say I’m living my dream.  Yet I remain so emotional, why?

Well, I’ve always had family around, for one.  My sister, Kimball, was always there for me.  Or, I was married, so I had my husband (now ex).  So, this is the first time I’ve ever truly been on my own in a geographical area.  True, I have my friends.  But, something strange flows over you when you are to fill out that ‘in case of emergency’ card and are faced with the question, who?  Who is my ‘in case of emergency’ contact person?  Now, I happen to have such a person (I think); but it got to me as I was filling this out for my exercise class on Saturday – perhaps that was what set me off on yet another ride on this cookie roller coaster called Grief/Emotion.

There have been a lot of changes (and we all know how much I just love those); ever so slight ones, but changes none the less, changes in my singing, changes with my friends, changes with my love life (what love life?).  I’ve been going with it, y’know, “going with the flow”, as they say.  But I can’t help but feel the emotions and I want them to stop!  I never thought I would say this, but I’m tired of crying.

So, what do you do?  Exercise is always good… It has been for me.  I started a class on Saturday mornings with a friend of mine and it is a great group of people.  I’ve also started getting out more, even if it means taking my computer to the local Starbucks and writing.  I’ve been doing all that I can to keep myself as active as possible.  I’ve also started turning off the television, drinking my favorite tea at nights and reading more.

Now these are all great ideas, but they merely cover the emotion for a time, they don’t deal with the emotion at the base.  And, honestly, it never really goes away, we all learn to live with our loss.  Fact is, is that we can focus all we want to on the positives of this life (which is a wonderful practice); but eventually, there comes a time when the emotions of the losses come to hit us in the face.  This isn’t entirely a bad thing (I’m beginning to think that it’s just a part of the growth process).  We all have our down days; but when it starts to make us paranoid in our own relationships?  Then we need to dig deep into the reasons and figure out that it is our own insecurities.  Sometimes it can be set off by an occurrence, but deep down, we are responsible by how we react to what someone else says or writes.  It is our responsibility whether or not to take offense.  And I had taken offense where I should have just went, “next?”  And just simply considered the source and moved on.

There has been some wonderful days these past few weeks – I know that.  And, with more great days in my future, there are bound to be some lows coming around again.  But, to really appreciate the path, its scenery, its colors, I’m going to have to go through the all its brush (the dead and the living) to understand its true beauty.  Living authentically and to truly appreciate what we have, is the understanding that this is but a brief moment in our full span of existence.  We alone hold the responsibility of our emotions and our love of self.

Milestones come along in many forms.  We should not look back on them with tears, but with appreciation.  The appreciation that we lived through them, we accomplished them or, simply, we lived.

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