Ever since my classic dumping during Christmas of ’12, I’ve not dated, haven’t even had any interest to date – what, between my moving, my fire, the closing of Kimball’s estate/house (this isn’t enough ‘stuff’ going on?). But recently, there was some interest. So a friend of mine gave one of my business cards to this guy we both know… He called the normal “3-days” and said he was going to take that Sunday off, “Great!” I said, I look forward to it!” Well, we were to meet before that day on a Tuesday, to which he cancelled the day before – not a good sign in my book…
Still, Sunday should be open, right? Right. Then he calls later to tell me that he won’t be taking Sunday off and will call me by Friday to make another date… I hear nothing. Then I get a text asking if I’m free on Monday, I text back say sure! He asks for me to call him when I have a chance (uh… excuse me? You have time to text, but you can’t call? What is this supposed to tell me?). Actually, he’s simply not into me… and that’s fine.
Here’s the thing: I’m beginning to believe that all my mishaps and there have actually been a few others aside from ‘Honey’, are supposed to tell me something – I’m supposed to be alone. This is it. I’m going to be one of those crazy old ladies that everyone talks about. I’ll wear funny looking hats and comfortable shoes (yikes) – and plaster on the weight, let my boobs just hang down and wear big dresses and I might was well start smoking again, drink gin and play mahjong all day… In this new age of the “internet”, it is simply too easy to be in contact, AND you have that many more options of getting rejected. You not only have the phone or in person, but you have texts, email, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Gmail, Pinterest (you name it…) – it’s humiliating!
So, I’m just going to stay focused on my businesses (my writing, music and Foundation). I should be doing that anyway. I’m not ready for (nor do I
deserve) a break yet, no rest for the wicked. They say that life happens while you’re busy making plans… perhaps that’s when my love life will pick up? They always do say when you least expect it… I’ve never been good at the “hunt”. I don’t remember a time when I ‘hunted’ anyone. I was always the ‘prey’ – unaware (well, mostly).
I am lonely though and think that I’m just one of those women who are happiest when they’re with a loved one. When they’ve made a house a home – I remember those early years of our marriage. I was happy then…
Maybe that’s ‘who I am’… that woman. Maybe I’m more my mother’s daughter than I ever thought. She was truly happiest when she was Daddy’s wife and our Mother. So what does that say about us? When we are defining ourselves by the definition of the ‘better half’ of someone else? I mean, I’m still very much devoted to my writing and my singing – the arts. I’m still very devoted to getting my Foundation off the ground and going. But, I still feel as though I’m missing a limb.
No, I couldn’t live with my ex and yes, I will always love him; but I still want the life-style (hey, maybe even a better one). One with intimacy and shared chores and togetherness… I know I once said I settled, but I’m not sure that’s the case. I do know that I spent almost fifteen years trying to salvage what was going down quickly. We had great times – all marriages have them – and we had bad times. But, the bad times were out weighing the good, so much so that I felt suffocated.
Did I do the right thing? When we leave, and doubt, are we doing the right thing in questioning? Or am I just glorifying the ‘good times’ and down playing the bad? I believe that is exactly what I’m doing and need to stop this analysis on my own self esteem. This is getting boring; I apologize to my continued readers who must be shaking their fists – I’m even bored with it…
It’s normal to question one’s own decisions; but to constantly go back and question – well, that’s – Obsessive! And I don’t want to be that way. I want to continue to learn by my decisions of my past and present and roll on life’s highway, with the wind on my face and the sun on my back (I think that’s the way of it…)
Bottom line, I’ve had some wonderful loves in my life, and one of the greatest was for most of my life. It had to end. A dear friend of mine said to me that all relationships end. They all end one of three ways. Either we end it, they end it or one of us dies. And neither of us knows ahead of time how that will be. And that is the truth. So, honestly, I’m lucky, I’ve had some great love in my life (and still do). So, stop me when I start whining again, won’t you please?
The Mary Tyler Moore Show was always my favorite growing up – it was about an independent woman who didn’t need a man to make here life complete. So, again, as a reminder “you’re gonna make it after all!”
- Men: This is How You Ask Her Out (ruthiedean.com)
- This is how we date now. (matchdotcomeonalready.com)
- 5 Lies Divorced Women Should Stop Believing (clarksvilleonline.com)
- 20 Tips for Women to Create a Successful Marriage (everestalexander.wordpress.com)