Skeletons are in all of our closets – sometimes we’ve buried them so deeply that we’ve suppressed them (forgotten they were there completely). And we go on about out lives as if nothing happened. Nothing ill willed, nothing traumatic – all those feelings have been placed into its neat little compartment and set aside and placed way in the back. Unfortunately, as with that ‘coat’ closet that we love to stuff everything in when we do our whirlwind cleaning before company comes over; that door will one day open and “BLAM!” They all tumble out and you are forced to look at them. All those unpleasant memories come flooding out at you – some might topple on top of you, laying you flat and seemingly helpless.
Apologies to all my readers for not being as diligent as I had hoped to be on this site. Problem is, I’ve not been as diligent in any of my duties. I’ve been faced with just too much (again, wonderful observation Ann!). I know, but, these recent awareness’ are different and I thought I could get through them by myself. Without medical help or without the help of therapy. Instead, I’ve found myself falling deeper and deeper in the spiral of the whirlpool that many find themselves spinning in. Before you know it, you are at the bottom.
Fortunately I’m not at that dark space I found myself in back in 2011 – a place I hope to never find myself. But I’m there. Is there ever going to be a day where I will no longer need the help of modern-day medicine to keep me from these nightmares? Will there ever be a day when I can simply go forth, each morning and believe in me; Ann? Be happy with the adult and the child? Understand the parents, the brother and the sisters? And finally come to understand and forgive all who had forsaken me; will that day come?
I thought the day had come and passed by. I thought I had come to closure with all of those demons. Then, a few days ago something surfaced – something deep within. Some might call it a “repressed” memory. But the helpless feeling is there just the same. And the guilt and all of the ugliness that came with it falls on me like an evil ghost that would come over a child’s bed at bedtime. And no night-light will scurry away the horror; for nothing that calm these nightmares.
I wish I could go into everything, I can’t – not here and not now. Trust me when I say the memories are simply too troubling and run far deeper and far longer than even I could imagine (I only hope they aren’t true). Trouble is, I have no one to speak to about it. No one! I do have my therapist. But how do you know what is memory and simply your mind playing tricks on you?
When is it that we should simply leave those proverbial skeletons in the closet; forever? Can we ever find closure with that? Is it possible to find the closure we need within ourselves? This new discovery has been paralyzing to say the least. I’ve not been able to get out of bed. Again, I have made steps to seek help and will. But the self-loathing, the dirty feelings I have; not just for thinking such things but from that little girl. Logically we know (her and me) that she had nothing to do with it, that no one was there to take care of her and that she was the victim. But there is so much anger; ANGER that I could be ignored. And I was – I was ignored by so many in our family.
Still am – by our cousins especially. Though one could argue that they’ve never showed much interest in our family for years. The only connection was their mother. I didn’t hear from them when my apartment went up in flames, and haven’t heard from them much since, not even Ann, who I thought we had become pretty close friends; but, I’ve not really heard from her for a year and a half (at least). It’s strange because I was really hoping we were getting so close, now; nothing. Barely a comment on Facebook. But, again, as much as I’ve tried, there really hasn’t been much of an interest. I think my father would have been really disappointed to know that his brother’s children and his children are as distant as we are. And our other cousins (daddy’s younger brother’s children), well, we couldn’t be farther apart. Not even a Christmas card. But, I’m getting off the subject (or am I?).
Anyway, there are so many emotions going through me; emotions that I thought I confronted and closed many years ago. But these emotions have come to an even higher peak. I’m so ANGRY! When I’m angry I cry (so you can only imagine the amount of tears) and when I cry I get migraines… it’s a vicious cycle. I’m just so tired of being ignored, being invisible. And the ‘defriending’ didn’t help, it just heightened this ‘unjust’ feeling I’ve been harboring my whole life. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and thinking I don’t have any friends. Which, in truth, I have to ask, do I? I’ve been locked away like Miss Havisham and have not received one phone call. Not one person to call and say, “Ann, just checking on ya; hadn’t heard from you in a while. How are you doing?” That can be pretty lonely.
So how does one get out of the “Miss Havisham” mode of life? Well, I’m going start. First thing; I’m signing up and starting my training to be an Ombudsman. They will send me the info; it’s forty hours of class time and ten hours of field time. It’s one baby step toward my business, but it’s got to start somewhere and sometime. Somebody told me that he gets over his self-pity by serving others; getting involved.
I’ve also made my appointments with my therapist and doctor – that’s a great step in the right direction and I’m looking into adopting a dog. Yep… finally found a little girl and she is a cutie. This is the most excited since I lost my little one from Kidney failure back in 2011 and had to put her down. I don’t know if I’ll be accepted for this one, but there will be others. With my new baby, I will get back on my routine (you just have to… dogs have to be walked, fed, go potty, be loved and played with). I know me… I’ve go tons of love for my new little girl. I’ve also got a plane ticket for a trip in a week to see one of my best friends. It’s just for the weekend, but some new scenery is just what I need. And my dear friend is obvious medicine.
These last few weeks have scared me, but the memories and the news that I’ve found these last couple of weeks have been overwhelming; so much so, that I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m forced to ask; why me? And in true Ann’ism forum, “why not me?” This is all part of life. What we do or don’t do is a true sense of our character. It is all about growth and learning. We can hate it, be angry with it (sure, get ANGRY, we deserve to!). But the time comes where we must look at it and learn from it. Decide what the most responsible thing to do with it is.
Then, after all of the confusion has settled and we can be quiet, mediating only with our heart and with God; then, hopefully we can come to forgiveness. Forgiveness for everyone – especially ourselves.
I can feel, and keep on feeling sorry for myself and that little girl that everyone ignored; that little girl who was violated and bullied. I can blame that little girl for not being smart enough, not cute enough, not talented enough or rich enough to gain the admiration of friends and family. But it wasn’t her fault, just as it wasn’t her family’s fault. Not her mother’s, sisters, brothers, cousins, friends. Everybody did as best they could and what they knew in that time and space. We all did the best we could do for what we were given.
So, still, I’m given much information that I must syphon through and figure out if these skeletons should just stay as they are, skeletons to be kept buried deep in the closet and never to be unleashed again; or if they should be released. Sometimes, so much time has elapsed that that is where they should be; buried.
I will make this promise to myself now and do my best to never, ever break it. I won’t stand to be ignored again. I won’t stand silent again. My voice is for speaking and I have two ears for listening. I speak out for those who cannot, and I will (and have) stepped up against and for those who could not in their own defense and will continue to do so. But I will be heard in one form or another. As for all that has been done to me, to all my offenders (my trespassers’), I forgive them – it’s the truest way to my survival.