As you know, these last couple of weeks haven’t been my best – to tell you the truth, if this year was wiped off the calendar I don’t think I would miss it – but it is what it is and, thanks to some wonderful friends and family, I have made some great strides in getting my life back on track.
There was a quote by Wally Lamb “I cried because I had no shoes; then I met someone who had no feet.” This seems to be my point of focus lately – which is great as it brings me back to ‘center’ and allows me to see that, though the grass may appear greener on the other side of the fence, you just might find as many (if not more) areas in need of as much TLC as on your side (i.e. brown spots, crabgrass that has grown in). Life for others isn’t always as it appears.
As I go through my own closet of skeletons and try to get to the bottom of some recent issues that have arisen, I’m being reminded that we are all dealing with varying sizes of bones. Each bone houses its own painful memory (be it grief of the loss of a loved one, our own loss of our innocence, our struggle to hang on to our own self-worth) there can be a multitude of pain and sorrow in all of our closets. And just as I am trying to decipher my own, I’ve come to understand the pain and suffering of others, so deep, it left me feeling for them – ALL of them.
Children are such fragile beings and must be nurtured and guided. But, let’s face it, we can only give the amount of love we have for ourselves. If all we know is pain and abuse, there is an even greater possibility that we will pass this on to our own children, leaving them the legacy of passing it on to their children (and so on, and so on, and so on). One thing is that these ‘heirs’ might very well be thinking of their legacy as not “AS abusive”, thinking instead, “well I never laid a hand on you, you don’t have it near as bad as I did!” But abuse takes on many forms. So how do we stop the “Cycle?”
In an article written By TOM McCARTHY and ROBBIE GORDON via 20/20 When Children of Abuse Become Parents; there are ways of ending the cycle. However, it takes discipline and work – but it can be done. Positive reinforcement seems to be the winner over any negative or punitive forms of discipline. This seems so obvious, yet, we do become creatures of habit, don’t we? I can still hear my mother admitting to me how often times, while still a youth, she would swear to never do to her children what her father had done to her; only to later find that she unwittingly passed the torch. At any rate, there is hope and I do believe that we all have the capabilities deep within ourselves to overcome our demons (however deep the scars may be); we can prevail, be it through the help of a therapist, medication, regression, spiritual guidance (or all of it) – we can prevail.
“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” ~ William James
“When you stand alone the chances of withstanding challenges and overcoming are low. But when there’s unity victory is certain and overcoming challenges is possible. Two heads are always better than one.” ~ Frank Matobo
As I write this I am brought back to the level plain of ‘rationalization’ and reminded of all the friends and family I love and love me. Those who only want what is truly best for me. I’ll be going on the journey into the depths of finding out what really happened oh, so many years ago – but until then, the shock wave of my new world has subsided and the acceptance of this reality of what I have to face is becoming easier to swallow.
Today I’m in the Austin airport awaiting my plane to arrive and boarding to begin and as I sip my last Bloody Mary, before making my way, yet even further, down the ‘rabbit hole’, I’m anticipating my journeys of tomorrow and what they will bring. Will they bring me more clarity? A better understanding of what is and what has been? Or will they leave me even more distressed? As I was talking with my friend on the way to the airport this morning, many times we can only take our steps in faith that the next brick of that ‘Yellow Brick Road’ will appear and be in the direction we are satisfied with. I truly have no idea; for the first time in so long (years and years) I know not where I’ll end up. What I do know is that, like all that is living (the wild things of nature and of the ocean and rivers/lakes), I will be directed and will survive just fine.
Much of the time, as I know I’ve written before, (if you would envision a river) faith is knowing that the current will take you where you need to go. And in these times of grief and sorrow and even uncertainty, sometimes you need to give yourself permission to take in the oars and let the current take you and enjoy the ride – relax a while and listen to your heart.