There always comes a time when we have those mile stones (birthdays, for example) when we realize how important we are to the individuals around us. People come in and out of our lives as if in a rotating door. Some friendships are for a lifetime, while others are with us for a season or two, most certainly, if for no other reason than a very important lesson. I often think of these relationships and compare them to that of the gardener and the spectator. Some friends, like the gardener, are nurturing, giving back to the tillage with care and nutrition, while other’s simply stand by as the ‘on-looker’. Almost as if merely putting on a facade, giving the ‘talk’ of tilling their fields, but never truly working it with the care it needs. This is true with the our varying friendships. There is this one particular friendship that I’ve held on to for so long, and I find myself forced to ask the question of keeping this friendship or letting it go. It pains me to be at this point (most likely why I’ve held on so long); but the fact I’m faced with is that I’ve wanted this friendship far more than she has.
I can’t say that any of this has come to me as a huge surprise. It has dwindled over the last few years; but I did do the final ‘letter’ and she and I have been in contact. With her reply, I can now assume that there is something in her that is saying that she does want the friendship. Now, in her defense, she has had quite a bit of life hitting her in the face. Is this an excuse? Well, quite frankly, yes. Friendship is understanding that we all go through trials in our lives and not all of us handle those trials the same way. When something goes wrong in my life, I would have been on the phone to her first thing. But my friend isn’t that same type of person. No. She is a person who prefers to keep her troubles close to her vest. She would rather let on that all is fine with the world while all around her is going hay wire. I happen to admire this personality type. Not to say that I don’t admire my own, I just think that we all have ways of dealing with our own troubles and should not be judged by how we handle them or our friendships and how we reach out. I’ve been guilty of that – judging – and am ashamed of myself. It’s a fault I continue to work on.
With this birthday, it is not only my friends faces that I see changing; I’m faced with yet another (or different) life changing moment – moving. Yes, that wonderful task packing one’s things and driving or flying off to new cities, neighborhoods and possibly a new state altogether (maybe I’ll move out of the country – could happen). At this time, however I realize just how much I will miss the friendships I’ve made. But I must come to face the fact that these aren’t necessarily friends that I ‘hang’ with on a daily (or even weekly) basis. Living alone makes you realize, “If I died in my bathroom shower, would I be missed? Would I be one of those many cases, like my Uncle, who are found only after a couple of weeks?” It can be an awful feeling to not have those daily phone calls, or contacts.
I realize that by my being such a recluse I’ve made my bed and must lie in it (as it were); but I don’t want to be one of those who stay as a shut in either. Making new friends has always been difficult for me. I know, it takes great effort; but, it is a character flaw of mine that I do intend to nip in the bud. I’ve been through so many changes these past few years (especially these last two), that goes without saying; but somewhere along the line I must think about what is important to me and not worry so much about the ‘what ifs’ about the future. It could very well be the one thing that takes me to a whole other level – a new level – allowing me to truly live my authentic self.
More and more, I’m finding that many of my friends have been (or are) fair weather friends. They are there to say hi, answer the phone when you call; while the true blue friend that will believe in ME, regardless of the rumors that might roam around are very few. I’ve further realize that this happens to be truer for most than not, so it is nice to know that I’m not alone in that at least. With all the changing going on in my life, I’ve lost a few friends (no explanation, no word just “poof” gone). I’m not sure if this “Internet” stage of our society is such a great idea. It allows people to hide behind their Smartphones and their computers/tablets. We’ve somehow lost (or drained) our “Heart Chakra”; so much to the point, we no longer ‘talk’ to each other. We dismiss friendships as if they grow on trees and are so quick to judge as opposed to stand by a person; talking things out and making amends. This has been possibly the hardest part of life for me to come to grips with. That not everyone is ‘true-blue’ and most will believe just about any type of slimy gossip that makes its way into their ear. There is nothing I can do about that, all I can do is accept it and I believe I have.
Changes are definitely in my future – the move for one – just where is not yet confirmed. This move is my choice as the area I live in is far too expensive and crowded for my taste. I long for a simpler life and would love nothing better than to live in the country. As for the fickleness of some of my friends, I’ve come to that ‘grown-up’ realization that that too is “LIFE” and all we can do is live our life with integrity and with the knowledge that we are doing the best we can. Nobody knows what a person is going through in this life unless they’ve walked a mile (heck even a block) in their shoes. It matters not what I do, how I look; people will come up with their own perspective and judgement. I can only hope that if they are my dear friends, they will stand by me.
Life is but a dream, and mine is coming true… finally… (whew!)
- The “Friendship Divorce”… (marapryor.wordpress.com)
- Hard Friendships (thatweirdgirl03.wordpress.com)
- Coping up with Friendshifts (chippylovespocky.wordpress.com)