It is October and there is finally a sense of Fall in the air (I actually turned off the AC…); so sorry, I haven’t written since July! My apologies. Life has been wonderful and full! My grief has lessened to the point I’m smiling, happy and have that wonderful, peppy, bounce back in my step. Even so, however I’ve found myself in a precarious place. Just a few months ago (you might remember) I was asking myself the question “did I make the correct decision of divorcing my husband Douglas?” I so longed for that man who I dated for over a year, that man who was so genuinely kind and loved to cook. Was a champion fisherman and abalone diver. There were so many things I LOVED about that man; so many things that I wonder, what happened? What happened in our marriage that made me, this woman, his wife, say “enough!”
I ask this because life has brought me back to this same man. Well, not the same man; an older man (as I’m an older woman). We are not those same two youngsters saying their vows in the Spring of 1988. We have had over 20 years of life, of hurt, of arguments, of heart-ache, of LOVE. Yes; I said it… LOVE. There were many times that I should have said “adios!” But I couldn’t. By the act of simply kissing his lips, I knew I loved him and that everything was going to be ok.
My problem is that now that we have been divorced I thought we could make a go of it. And I’ve found – You can’t go back. People rarely are NOT what they tell you they are. In other words… the ARE who THEY SHOW YOU THEY ARE!!! Basically, in a nutshell, he’s not going to change. Actually, I’m not going to change (not with him and not in the same scenario). So, I choose to change my life. I choose to NOT marry him. I choose to live my life the way I WANT to live it. Not sure exactly how that is; but at least I’m going to be the captain of my destiny.
Now the plot thickens as I’ve met this other chap… I like him… I like him a lot! And, he likes me… ooh the problematic “Love Triangle”; or is it? Problem is he is a friend of my ex. So, I’m in a pickle. Other problem? He might have found out just how dumb I really am (that or how dull I really am). He’s very worldly – I’m not. I’m still learning so many wonderful things. My biggest fear is that people realize just how stupid I truly am. Originally he was very boisterous, “can’t wait to hear from you”, “count down to see you”, “what about a rendezvous” and all that… Now, he’s been very distant, very proper… so, he might be gone and there may not be anything to worry about. Oh, well… as my dear friends tell me, should that be the case, then he/they just don’t know what they got. Ah… I guess that’s true. Perhaps I should tell the voices in my head to go to the Devil and hush!
Really, why do we waste our time worrying about such nonsense still? It’s truly nothing but a huge pain in the Puss! I’m done… for now… My question: Should I be? What do you think?