Courage By Design

As many of you have read, I’ve had the strange privilege of serving as witness to others’ courage as they riffle

through the trials of their lives.  Be it joblessness, intolerable pain, verbal or physical abuse by a life partner; or dealing with a debilitating disease.  This courage that I speak of comes in different forms; it comes by way of those dealing with the situation/disease firsthand, as well as, those around them; those who love them and must watch from the sideline, feeling helpless and paralyzed at the overwhelming feat that lay ahead for their loved one (and for them).

In my life, I’ve lived through a similar situation after the death of my father.  Though he died when I was only a year old, there was still the feeling in the air  and that (I believe) is what a child picks up on.  Children pick up on those feelings of loss and they immediately absorb them thinking (I know I did) that they are the cause.  I’ve since come to grips with this and have reached the understanding that this was a situation I had no control over.  More importantly, this was a situation that perhaps was necessary for the development of making me who I am today.

Ah!  I can hear the wheels turning in your minds and feel the glares as many of you are wondering; what kind of twisted mind would think such nonsense?  You see, I tend to believe that all that is around us happens for our benefit.  All of it, the good and the bad.  It is all there for our benefit.  Just as a forest fire is, on its surface, bad as it has had such a destructive affect.  Truly, what it has promoted is new growth beneath the scorched earth and brush.   A “rebirth” if you will.  So, yes, in my twisted mind, I liken these experiences to that of a forest fire.  There are miracles within the devastation.

We often watch as someone struggles through a situation and think, ‘life’s not fair’.  And you know something?  Life isn’t fair; it’s not supposed to be.  In this life we are here to enjoy all that we can, while we learn all that we can.  Learn about our own personal growth.  And, hopefully, in the midst of all that learning, we have the pleasure of Love.  Loving that special partner and making love with them; or loving a child that we’ve had the pleasure to raise; or loving a parent, a friend; this list goes on.  Within ALL of this pain, we grow; we LOVE.

I was just reminded by a friend’s predicament.  This person has a very debilitating disease and recently had yet another stroke that left them with no memory of who those  people were that surrounded them.  What’s worse is they have lost all memory of their own talents, of which they have many.  Now, I cannot begin to imagine what this wonderful person goes through.  I can, and do have a glimpse of what their family goes through as I went through something similar with my mother.  The frustration and  helplessness is unimaginable.  And you truly have no idea what steps to take next.

So, one might ask, “Ann, how is it that this situation is good?”  To this I would have to say that the learning goes all around.  To my friend, yes; but mostly for their family and friends.  After caring for my mother, I know that I see the world through a completely different pair of eyes and with so much more compassion.

Wouldn’t it be great if there weren’t disease?  Possibly.  And I say this because as I remember my mother’s dementia and our time together, we had some wonderful days, some wonderful times together.  I’ve made it no secret that my mother was living her nightmare; but, she did it with grace and beauty.  Who is to say that that wasn’t in the plan?  That SHE wasn’t the teacher with us as the students?  I believe people are learning from her example still, six years after her death.

In this life, all we truly have is each other.  And, we have two choices in any situation; that being our reaction.  We can react well or we can react poorly.  We can choose to do, whatever it is, from a place of love; or we can choose anger and frustration.  The bottom line (advice I got from one of my ‘Courage’ angels) is that we have no control over most of what happens to us; so we might as well have fun while we are living this life.

I’m going through a bit of grief… yep, it has hit me like a BRICK.  But, when I sit back and really think about this, I realize that this too shall pass.  What is ailing me is nothing!  At least this heaviness in my heart will ease, at least that pain that feels like a split in my heart muscle, will mend.  Will it ever completely go away?  Probably not, but I know that I will continue and I can enjoy my family, my Honey, my friends, my talents, for they are here, now.

It is never a good idea to compare our lives to the other and never a good idea to think in terms of “what if” or “remember when” for the only constant is change.  But it does give me solace to know that there are tiny miracles in every situation.  They can be very difficult to see at times; but I assure you, they are there.  Sometimes, it’s those miracles that we must focus on.  Courage, like miracles, is all around us and is not necessarily grandiose but is always by design; for we all live it, every day.

Related articles

• Courage v. Confidence (bravegirlupgrade.wordpress.com)
• The Six Attributes of Courage (psychologytoday.com)
• Find Your Courage! (hlomies.wordpress.com)

Courage Wears So Many Faces – There’s One In Particular…

We so often walk around in our lives, in the mundane, feeling sorry for ourselves, not wanting to get out of bed because ‘he never called’ or ‘so and so is being so mean to me at work’ or [fill in the blank].  I was reminded of true courage and grit this week when I had a visit with a friend.

Not that I hadn’t seen courage over the years with my own family and friends; but the woman I’m about to describe to you is as courageous and beautiful today as she was, I would venture to say,  ‘back in the day’ over 50 years ago.  Her name?  Let’s call her Martha.  Martha led a very simple life with her husband of approximately 60 years, had a house right next door to her life long best friend; they had a fence between the two homes with a gate so they could go back and forth with ease.  They were inseparable!

She lovingly raised her children, went on to raise her grandchildren and great grand children.  She sang in a four-part a cappella chorus and quartet for about 40 years; and when I came to meet her she was still on the risers performing (singing and dancing choreo) into her 80’s!   Never complained, while other women around her would complain of this or that; not Martha.  She would stand proud and do everything as directed, sometimes for hours!  What a GEM!  Always a smile on that face of  hers and she would light up the room.

She’s 87 now (approximately).  She’s since came down with a couple of rounds of esophageal cancer followed by radiation, which makes it very difficult for her to eat food or drink because there is very little room to swallow.  Later she got cancer of the tongue and lost half of that, making it hard for her to speak.  The scaring from the radiation and the loss of  half of her tongue has made her speech very difficult and taking of food impossible.  She must be fed through a tube in her stomach.  She can’t eat or drink for the rest of her days.  But you won’t hear a complaint from her.

She was still getting up every day, showering, taking care of herself and her husband; tending to the chores like cooking and cleaning and shopping, all the while humming a happy tune.  Every now and again, even though her singing days were through, she would sit in on rehearsals or go to the chorus’ performances in support.  No, there is no self-pity in this woman and she still walks with that pep in her step.

A few weeks ago her husband passed away and I went over to see Martha.  Being that it can be difficult to understand her and I’m not much of the conversationalist myself, I brought a mutual friend with me.  We all sat and talked for an hour of so and laughed as usual.  Martha is truly a kick.  She shared with us her husband’s last moments, but no tears were shed as she put it; “it was his time, but I miss him and love him.”

There were simple things like the pursing of the lips that one would do to kiss someone,  she finds impossible to do, because of her condition.  And she was saying, in that last moment, as they hugged, she tried to kiss him but couldn’t.  She knew he understood as they would laugh about it in the past.  But still, I could see how painful  it must have felt to not perform that very simple expression of love, in his last moments, by the look in her eyes… just for a moment, and then we were on to the next subject.

As she was telling us this, I was realizing all that I have to be grateful for.  I know I’ve said this in past posts… and, I’ve had my own little pity parties in past posts… but that’s part of life, is it not?  It’s accepting that we are NOT perfect and that we are all creatures in the making; constantly transforming and learning from each other as I’ve learned from Martha and hope to continue to learn from her example.

She is a fine example of not just making lemonade out of lemons, but (as she would say) refusing the lemons all together “psha!” and tossing them out.  It is that true grit that keeps us young and keeps us going.  We must have our chores and lists of items ‘to do’ each and every day.  When we don’t, when we allow ourselves to get too caught up in the comparisons and the ‘what ifs’, well then we are asking for trouble.

One day at a time seems a bit trite, but it does fit here.  That is how I’ve been dealing with my breakdown and my grief… One-day-at-a-time.  And I’m all the better for it, actually.  I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and as Martha would tell me, I have no control over it.  I’m a talented woman so “get on with it!”  “Be happy, and LIVE!”  Is what she told me; and live is just what I intend to do.

Courage, as I’ve written in the past, wears many faces.  This week I’m writing about one particular individual, Martha.  One of the MOST courageous people I know at present and truly a hero in my book.  She deserves the best we all can give her and the best this life can give her for all the days she has left.

For Martha:

Courage by Robert William Service

Today I opened wide my eyes,
And stared with wonder and surprise,
To see beneath November skies
An apple blossom peer;
Upon a branch as bleak as night
It gleamed exultant on my sight,
A fairy beacon burning bright
Of hope and cheer.”Alas!” said I, “poor foolish thing,
Have you mistaken this for Spring?
Behold, the thrush has taken wing,
And Winter’s near.”
Serene it seemed to lift its head:
“The Winter’s wrath I do not dread,
Because I am,” it proudly said,
“A Pioneer.

“Some apple blossom must be first,
With beauty’s urgency to burst
Into a world for joy athirst,
And so I dare;
And I shall see what none shall see –
December skies gloom over me,
And mock them with my April glee,
And fearless fare.

“And I shall hear what none shall hear –
The hardy robin piping clear,
The Storm King gallop dark and drear
Across the sky;
And I shall know what none shall know –
The silent kisses of the snow,
The Christmas candles’ silver glow,
Before I die.

“Then from your frost-gemmed window pane
One morning you will look in vain,
My smile of delicate disdain
No more to see;
But though I pass before my time,
And perish in the grale and grime,
Maybe you’ll have a little rhyme
To spare for me.”

Courage Wears Many Faces

Image via Wikipedia

As defined in the dictionary:

cour·age

noun

1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

brav·er·y

noun, plural -er·ies.

1. brave  spirit or conduct; courage; valor.

2. showiness; splendor; magnificence.

I guess the most common way we would hear these words would be in reference to war or facing the danger in our city’s streets.  There are other examples lived by millions in this country every day.  Now the combat they face isn’t from an assailant or in combat with enemy forces; not physically anyway.  No, the enemy they face if far more covert and unyielding.  It’s known as Disease and goes by many names such as:  Cancer, Heart Disease, Diabetes, Multiple Sclerosis, to name a few.

In my young life I’ve watched as friends battle these and others.  It’s an awful, helpless feeling to sit on the sidelines and watch, knowing that there isn’t anything you can do to take the pain away or the worry.  You want nothing better than to snap your fingers, or wiggle your nose like Samantha in Bewithced and make it go away.

I’ve had an up close and personal view when this battle hit our own family.  The original diagnosis was back in 2004 and I can remember the day of surgery, I was waiting in the waiting room with a friend. We had hoped that it was going to be a simple surgery; a standard  procedure to take care of a very common tumor.  “Ms. MacGregor?”  The nurse asked; “yes?”  I replied.  “They found some spots that look to be cancer.  We are having the tissue taken to the lab and should have an answer within the hour.  I just wanted to keep you updated”  And before I could get anything  out, she was out the door.

“Cancer!”  I exclaimed to myself, “Ovarian Cancer.”  My eyes welled up with tears and all I could think; and I know how mellow dramatic this must sound, but honestly, all I could think was that it should have been me.  After all, I could handle this; not that she couldn’t but  I’d already gone through several surgeries and with all the loss she has already suffered (there had been so much), she didn’t need this added onto everything else.  This just wasn’t fair at all!

After months of chemo and prayer, she was in remission.  She returned to work and all was back to normal.  She was just about to celebrate her fifth year of remission when her blood test showed a rise in her count.  Her cancer was back and the PET scan showed that it was in her lymphatic system.

Another operation, more chemo (much stronger medication  this time) and tests would show that the treatments worked.  However, this would be the start of a very mysterious bout of illness for over a year.  An illness they would later find was an infection and a relapse of ovarian cancer; this time in her skin.  In the meantime the infection compromised her Aortic Valve, bumping up the urgency to operate.  They would replace the valve and then start radiation and possibly follow-up with chemo.

We each handle challenges differently.  I’m a strong woman with the patience of a saint (truly).  But much of the time it seemed that all I could do was get angry; however I did manage to spend some of my time in quiet prayer.  Inevitably though I would end up asking the good Lord, why? Why her?  I just didn’t understand.  It seemed the more I tried to make sense of it all, the higher my level of frustration grew.  I have discovered that I’m not a very patient woman in situations such as this.  It’s just that I want the answer and I want it now (I’m working on this part of myself).

Now she is quite the opposite; she is a woman who is extremely patient, soft-spoken and kind.  She always places others before herself and she never forgets a birthday or a thank you note.  She always seems to have the perfect gift, whether it’s for family, friends or one of the nurses.  Talk about ‘grace’; she has it in spades!  What she faces, she faces each and every day with strength, courage and selflessness and is truly our mother’s daughter.

So many times we use these words (Courage, Bravery, Strength, Triumphant), and rightfully so, in reference to the war whether overseas or on the streets.  But there are the many who live these words daily as they face their own battle and this battle doesn’t just stop at the battle for their physical life, it is also the battle for means.

Every day and all over we see the ads to “Walk for Awareness” to “find a cure.”  However, with all the money being raised, what about finding support and money for those in the battle?  How about giving them help to decipher through all the medical bills?  You see, it’s more than just facing the disease, it’s facing the financial burden that years of treatments,  therapy and disability/ unemployment can place on a person.  We talk about Universal Healthcare as if it is such a horrible thing.  But what’s is so horrible?  That everyone get the treatment they need without the worry?

For those of you that don’t know, I’m going to paint a picture of what you can expect should you find yourself or a loved one diagnosed with cancer, let’s say.  Going on the assumption you are insured, you will most likely have surgery.  Then, if chemo therapy is the next step, you will  go to the center and meet with several people.  First, you’ll meet with your Case Nurse who will walk you through the process and introduce you around and show you the floor.  Then you’ll go back to the office/conference room and wait for the Financial Coordinator to discuss money owed and payment options.  That’s right – they waste no time.

You see, anymore, when you get treatment/therapy they want to make sure they get their money upfront.  They calculate whatever it is that your insurance company won’t pay and then they come to collect.   Now, most places will come up with some sort of payment plan where each payment is due at the time of each treatment.  And I mean it’s due or you don’t get treated.

Here you are, your brain saturated with all the fears that the disease carries with it and now you are making a ‘deal’ as if you are financing a luxury car.  All of the “Walks for a Cure” are all well and good, but what about assisting, truly assisting, patients on the financial end.  At the end of treatment, a patient could owe upwards of 40,000 dollars.   So you can see how if you happen to not be insured…well, do the math; that would mean no treatment.  Should you receive something from the ‘county’ healthcare system?  Certainly, it’s available… maybe.  However, I seriously doubt the treatment you will receive will be as good as the treat received from a private hospital/insurance company.

I didn’t mean for this to be a political piece, but I did want to paint a picture of what so many people go through; it’s not just a matter of facing life and death.  It must take a great deal of courage, a great amount in deed to be able to face all of this, all at once; all while you are at your weakest point both physically and emotionally.

I heard someone say that if a check can be the answer to your problem then you don’t have a problem.  Maybe that’s true now more than I ever wanted to think, or what the speaker originally meant.  Courage and Bravery wear many faces and the truth is that they belong to us all, whether we are the one in battle or on the sidelines in support.  It is important to remember that Healthcare and its industry should be just that: in the business of Healthcare not “Let’s Make a Deal”