First, this is a REALLY difficult piece as it shows just how vulnerable I
Broken heart sewn back together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
am… so place your judgment at the door as I try to just sift through my own feelings (I’ve got plenty of judgement about the turn of events for all of us, trust me). This past week was met with such promise, such enthusiasm. Many of you will say “Ann what did you expect?” That is, once I divulge to you exactly what it was I did. For about the past year I had seen someone; not physically, no. But on the phone we had amazing conversations. He and I met at a party my best friend had last year. Oh, our conversation was fiery as we debated and cajoled each other. At one point I could swear it got so hot we could have taken each other right then and there.
Yea… we wanted one another. But I wasn’t that kind of girl, besides I had only just met the man! He got my number from my girlfriend and started calling me. We talked for hours on the phone. As my sister got sick, he would check on me to see how I was doing. As he was going through trials I would check on him. We became a support system for each other.
There were times where we hadn’t spoken for a few weeks, but then we would be at it again. (life happens). But that never stayed that way for long and in would come a call; it was him. That handsome devil; a smile would reach my face and I would answer the phone and our conversation would start-up as if it had never ended.
When my sister died it was as if he just knew. He called out of the blue; we started back up and he and I were inseparable (on the phone). Then we got to thinking about finally getting together. This of course made me very nervous. All kinds of thoughts ran through my head (mostly about my appearance… what will he think?) and mostly about his intentions. I mean, the first thing he thought of when we started talking was about getting into the sack. To which I explained that wasn’t happening… not until I knew him better.
Well, I drove down and we had a wonderful time, or so I thought. Then the next day came and he decided to take me out, yet I was to be the driver (?). Back up the bus! So, that put a minor crimp in my feathers… I did drive 400 miles down to visit him. Anyway, suddenly I’m not feeling so warm and fuzzy… funny thing about women. Men, you must realize that we need to be romanced.
So, we are at lunch and he starts in on me and how cold I’ve become (hmm… wonder why?). And that he just wants things like how we were on the phone. So, here I am trying to think “how do I tell this guy what I Dick I think he is? I mean… can’t the dude drive? I just drove 400 miles, like yesterday; and am damn tired of driving! Damn! I don’t have it in me to be ‘warm'”
So I try, gently telling him how I feel. But it’s more to it and I can feel that too. I’m feeling conned (don’t ask me how… just know in my gut). So, I shake it off, we go catch a movie, laugh a lot and go back to his place. Where he washes my car and gives me some left over chicken (hm… this guy really pulls out all the stops doesn’t he?).
Then off to bed we go…
All the while I’m there he can’t tell me enough how he doesn’t want to let me go, how he just can’t get enough of me. He wants me to move down and asking me how we are going make this new relationship work. He even let’s the ‘l’ word slip out. Oh, this guy is good.
I left on Tuesday to stay with my girlfriend, was home on Wednesday and that evening he called me just to make sure I made it home OK. I told him I was in rehearsal and asked if I could call him later to which he replied, “don’t call after 10:00…” What? Back up the bus! This coming from the same man who just a week ago said, “oh baby, you can call me anytime, I always want to talk to you.”
Really! Oh my God! I’ve been demoted. This dude will stop at nothing. So, to date; I’ve still not received a call. Why not just call him you ask? You see, in the game of love there are some cardinal rules. First, let’s remember that I did take the first leap of faith and walked into a situation that I had no idea of what I was getting myself into. I mean I knew his friends (good friends of his, people he’d know his whole life… I knew he was no serial killer). But still, I did the drive (a 400 mile drive to be exact). It should be he that is making every effort to make sure I’ve not made a mistake and don’t feel foolish.
Well, I feel foolish… but you know something? I’m always going to trust people. Now I’d like to say that eventually I’ll be smarter about these things, but I won’t. I’m still going to be just as gullible as I was the day I was born. I’m just a gullible girl.
But it sure has placed me back into hiding again; not sure I want to go back on the ‘dating train’ again. Not sure I want to fade all that rejection. There was more to it that just the lack of calling after our meeting. Oh, I ended up writing him the follow:
First I wanted to thank you for a wonderful weekend as it was great getting to know you. The power outage was merely a crimp in our event and, though a test that could have dampened our possibilities; it wasn’t the outage, Christopher or my playing chauffeur on Monday that spoils my memory. Your lack of interest since then is what puzzles me.
You insist that you are like no other man; and you furthered your insistence with your ‘sales pitch’ of what you would do for me if I were your girl. But there are “Speakers” and “Doers”, my dear friend. And you are a “Speaker, someone with whom I don’t see spending my life.
You must know how I feel. After all, I drove 400 hundred mile to see you and it was me, who took that leap of faith (not having a clue what I was walking myself into). Therefore, the way I see it, it should be you who should see to it that I am comfortable, confident, wanted, secured in my decision, wanted and loved. I don’t feel those things, Jordon… I feel foolish.
Jordan, I’m not a complicated woman; but I do read between the lines. Our last telephone conversation said it all to me; you were terse and cold and said in reply to my request to call you back, “don’t call me after 10:00…” This after “oh baby, you can call me anytime. You know I want to talk to you, Babe.” Wow! What a change, eh?
So Jordan, I guess this is good-bye. I’m no Chump… I was… and perhaps will be again. But I somehow think you changed that. Before, I was ‘on the lamb’ in search of myself. Now, I’m ‘on the lamb’ out of fear; fear of feeling this hurt.
You should be proud, you accomplished what most men could not – you got me out of hiding… But I’m no Medea… yea, I knew about her; why do you think I waited so long?
Yep, you win – I’m yet another conquest – or did you?
Good luck to you Jordon… Hope you’re happy in this life you’ve chosen for yourself.
So, where do I go from here? Well, I still have some of my dignity left and I have my friends and my bird. I can’t look back. I am divorced, that’s a fact and am told that the sadness that has accompanied that will pass. Divorce is a death; death of dreams, death of a relationship that was once very important to me; it was nurtured. I seriously can’t believe he (Jordan) took so much time to wait this out for a ‘conquest’ but, I must face facts and realize that the dude has issues. Issues that I am in no place to deal with.
So, I move forward. I’m thinking of asking my lyricist friend to maybe write some lyrics out of that letter… possibly write a song (lol). Isn’t that how it’s done? Ah! Anyway, divorce and disappointment and I’m dealing with it; in more ways than one.