Three’s Company (or is it?)

LovetriangleIt is October and there is finally a sense of Fall in the air (I actually turned off the AC…); so sorry, I haven’t written since July!  My apologies.  Life has been wonderful and full!  My grief has lessened to the point I’m smiling, happy and have that wonderful, peppy, bounce back in my step.  Even so, however I’ve found myself in a precarious place.  Just a few months ago (you might remember) I was asking myself the question “did I make the correct decision of divorcing my husband Douglas?”  I so longed for that man who I dated for over a year, that man who was so genuinely kind and loved to cook.  Was a champion fisherman and abalone diver.  There were so many things I LOVED about that man; so many things that I wonder, what happened?  What happened in our marriage that made me, this woman, his wife, say “enough!”

I ask this because life has brought me back to this same man.  Well, not the same man; an older man (as I’m an older woman).  We are not those same two youngsters saying their vows in the Spring of 1988.  We have had over 20 years of life, of hurt, of arguments, of heart-ache, of LOVE.  Yes; I said it… LOVE.  There were many times that I should have said “adios!”  But I couldn’t.  By the act of simply kissing his lips, I knew I loved  him and that everything was going to be ok.

My problem is that now that we have been divorced I thought we could make a go of it.  And I’ve found – You can’t go back.  People rarely are NOT  what they tell you they are.  In LoveTrangleother words… the ARE who THEY SHOW YOU THEY ARE!!!  Basically, in a nutshell, he’s not going to change.  Actually, I’m not going to change (not with him and not in the same scenario).  So, I choose to change my life.  I choose to NOT marry him.  I choose to live my life the way I WANT to live it.  Not sure exactly how that is; but at least I’m going to be the captain of my destiny.

Now the plot thickens as I’ve met this other chap… I like him… I like him a lot!  And, he likes me… ooh the problematic “Love Triangle”; or is it?  Problem is he is a friend of my ex.  So, I’m in a pickle.  Other problem?  He might have found out just how dumb I really am (that or how dull I really am).  He’s very worldly – I’m not.  I’m still learning so many wonderful things.  My biggest fear is that people realize just how stupid I truly am.  Originally he was very boisterous, “can’t wait to hear from you”, “count down to see you”, “what about a rendezvous”  and all that… Now, he’s been very distant, very proper… so, he might be gone and  there may not be anything to worry about.  Oh, well… as my dear friends tell me, should that be the case, then he/they just don’t know what they got.  Ah… I guess that’s true.  Perhaps I should tell the voices in my head to go to the Devil and hush!

Really, why do we waste our time worrying about such nonsense still?  It’s truly nothing but a huge pain in the Puss!  I’m done… for now…  My question:  Should I be?  What do you think?




Every Seven Years = A New You!

We have now embarked into the New Year of 2014 and it is at this time when I, personally,  like to take inventory.  Never having ever been one to make Start2014resolutions; instead, I find that looking at the positives and learning from the problems of the past is much more helpful.  As time passes, did you know that every seven years our body goes through its own renewal (like a new you)?  Well, sort of – according to notes by the  New York Public Library’s Science Desk Reference (Stonesong Press, 1995), “There are between 50 and 75 trillion cells in the body…. Each type of cell has its own life span, and when a human body dies it may take hours or days before all the cells in the body die”, pretty cool, huh?  And according to, being that each of those trillion cells have a life span, when they die they are replaced (see? a new you!).

So, thinking about this has caused me to look back over the past seven years and really look at the girl (Woman) of 2007 to that same (or different) Woman, now, in 2014.  Oh my!  What a difference!  Let’s see… the milestones.  For starters, I had just lost my mother in November of 2006.  A huge loss to us all, but not unexpected.  My husband at the time was still healing from two strokes he suffered in July and August 2006 – this changed our marriage immensely as I had no idea who I was coming home to.  His mood and personality changed completely.  With many stroke victims, the signs are on the outside (e.g. paralysis, slurred speech), but with him it was deep in his personality; so when I came home in the evening I had no idea if I was coming home to Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde or their twin cousins.  The more I tried to help, the more he turned away.  And his drinking that he believed he could still do just aggravated the whole situation (as you can well imagine).

By summer I suffered a melt-down, left work and tried to go back in the early fall.  By this time, I realized my husband’s drinking and his medical condition was all wrong for each other, so by October, I left him.  This was not my initial plan; I wanted to merely move into the next room.  But he said, “if you can’t share my bed, you can’t share my home.”  So, I moved in with my sister, Kimball until I could figure everything out.  He eventually made the commitment to go back to rehab (round #4) and I returned to give it one more go-round.

During this time I was struggling between what I should do with myself.  I was still in Insurance and was feeling the pull of wanting to get out.  I’ve never been a person who worked best under the condition of being ‘micro-managed’ and I was definitely being micro-managed at this new agency.  My life in 2007/2008 was met with constant turmoil – I was a square peg in a world of round holes – there was no place for me to fit in.  Life was as unpredictable at home (I knew something was up… but he was not letting on; was he drinking again?  I wasn’t sure, I mean where was the evidence?)  as it was at work, I was a fish out of water. For the first time in a very long time I felt judged at ever turn.  And I was exhausted.

The difference between that woman then and the woman typing this now is I’m not as fearful as I was.  I was clutching hold of my life as if I were trying to hold onto water.  I remember talking with an attorney back then, and was so uncontrollably crying – because the idea of leaving Doug was too much for me.  I just couldn’t see myself as a “quitter” and quitting on him that way.

By Fall of 2008 I would find that I would be let go from the agency and our business (Doug’s and mine) would come to a halt.   Life couldn’t be any worse recession-cartoon-792502(financially).  I did what I could in my “in-home” business and we sold every single piece of jewelry I had – the recession had this our house and it hit hard.  Still we had the holidays and moved forward as best we could.  I still found myself with suspicions of his drinking again, at which point he would deny.  So, unless I actually caught him there was nothing I could do.

At this point in my life I still felt like I was holding on by my nails – there was really nowhere to turn and nothing I could do to make myself truly happy.  I was truly at bottom.  (ah!  But remember, just when you think it can’t get any worse… it can!)  I would be challenged in ways I never imagined and be asked  for great endurance in the near future (more than I knew).  By June 2009 Kimball’s cancer had returned and I discovered Doug’s little secret – I found his bottles.  I’m done and will move in with Kimball to care for her – her cancer is Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer and she will need me for at least six weeks.  And this would be the start of a roller coaster ride that I never thought I’d be able to handle – but, I did and I survived.

I look at my life now, the way I see things, what I want to do with my life and I’ve discovered talents I never thought I had.  I’ve met people I never, ever would have met.  There have been self discoveries I’ve made that – perhaps I would still have made them – but, I’m willing to wager, I’d still be banging my head against many of the same doors.  Yes, I’ve met great loss; but, I’ve also grown through that loss and discovered many miracles along the way that enlightened and helped to guide me through those hard times.  Friends who, by way of their talent with the piano, showed me my singer’s voice and solo interpretation again.  Friends, who in their own right are wonderfully talented singers and musicians, took me in and harmonized with me and showed me another genre called ‘folk’.  Then there is the blog that allowed me the voice to share; and all of whom I met through it, who gave me support.

I’ve finally found my “square hole” and now know where I want to be (or at least the direction).  It is a completely different direction than I ever thought possible before; but at least I now know where I’ll end up.  They say to get where you are going, you must first know where you’ve been.  I’ve taken a long hard look at myself over these past three years, and I’ve made some incredible self discoveries.  I’ll continue with my journaling as I find it helpful; however I’m so very grateful for all that has been given to me thus far, I like this ‘New Me’; I’ve come a long way Baby…  Happy 2014!

Dating – How Thos Skelton’s of Our Past Can Still Hurt

WhyRMenLessAffectedByBreadkupsDating… it’s one of those funny things.  I’ve never, ever had an issue with getting back on the horse and riding off into the wild blue yonder.   But, since my encounter with Honey (y’all remember him?), I’m not sure if I’m suffering from broken heart syndrome, or just plain don’t trust men; but I’m really, truly unwary.

I’ve got a date coming up with a really nice guy (REALLY nice guy – cute as a bug), and I’m afraid of spoiling it.  I’m nervous.  What if I did something in the last relationship, I mean, let’s face it, we all have our part.  So how does one get over their past and stop with the questions so that they can move forward to their futures?  How can we throw out the skeletons?

This will have been the first date I’ve had since Honey and though I’m excited, I’m fearful, nervous.   What if something is truly wrong with me?  What if I’m just not the ‘loveable’ type?  What if I’m too demanding?  What if I’m just insane – like he insinuate…  [sigh].  There were so many unresolved issues, and perhaps he’s right and I should just save the men of the world and stay alone the rest of my natural life.

I found one man who was willing to put up with my craziness, for over twenty years!  Only problem, he was an alcoholic…  (so what is that supposed to tell me?)  One thing, he still loves me and I him; we just can’t live together.  He’s not going around telling everyone (including me) that I’m a nutcase and that the end of our relationship was all my fault.

So, who and what am I to believe?  The ex-husband of over twenty years or the ex-boyfriend of six months?  Who, when we met seemed so fun, funny, caring.  Had the image of the good father, the protector.  So much changed in that time.  This was the man who told me he would love me forever and take care of me.  He would never let anyone hurt me.  But he did and it was him.

I think what stings about this is that I did have a man who did love me, who showed me that his word was his bond (well, most of the time… when he wasn’t drinking).  But, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved me and would never let anyone talk against me; he would defend me to the end.  And I’m just wondering, will I ever find that again?  Am I asking for too much?

I see couples all around me, some are obviously wrong for each other, while others clearly show that connectivity.  That ‘spark’, that ‘something’ that tells the on-looker, “those two are in love.”  I used to have that and thought I had that with Honey, but came to find out through my friends that they weren’t too sure about him – really?  Now you tell me!

So how do we get past the past hurts of our past loves?  I’ve been so out of the game it’s scary.  I’ve been hurt before, but not like this.  I truly feel that this was my fault.  How do I change something I have no idea of how to change?  There was no closure… come to think of it, I’m not sure I want to know – could be too hurtful and I might be scarred for life (what life I have left).

I’d like to hear from you, what are your dating scares… hurts and how did you get past those?  How did you finally throw out those skeletons?

I will go on my date and hope for the best.  My ‘Mr. Right’ is out there.  I was once told that talking bad about you is what ‘exes’ do… it’s in the make-up.  I must say, I haven’t necessarily been the kindest.  But I did have a wonderful marriage and divorce… both ended with class and my ex-husband and I still talk and are very civil with each other – we love each other.  He’s been in my life for about half of my life, has been a part of my family – knows I’m nutty and I guess that is what drew him too me.  Used to say was what he loved about me.  So, I guess I should take it from someone who knew me best and chuck what was said by the person who knew me least?  Life goes on… I think it’s time for some horse riding.


I’d love to hear from you and your thoughts on the subject…

Finding Ann – the Journey Continues and Continues

Growing up as little girls, we are taught that the ultimate goal in life is to live ‘happily ever after’; to meet Prince Charming… Andlove-at-first-sight that, in order to do this, we will need to go through a sequence of rituals that have one ultimate goal in mind – to win the BEST PRINCE on the planet. And to live “Happily Ever After.”

Now these rituals start off with the grooming of ourselves to the point of sloughing off dead skin cells and manicuring our toes/feet and finger nails… Waxing has been added to the mix, of which is to include the eye-brows, our upper and lower lips, our chins, our jaw lines (if necessary) and, the ultimate of waxing – the bikini! This procedure (if you can call it that), has hit the all-time high in the ‘list’ of rituals when it comes to pain (in my book)… And we do this, why again? Oh! To get that Prince Charming… to live ‘Happily Ever After’… (I forgot…)

In the beginning of this blog, back in 2010 – God, I can’t believe it’s been almost three years! – I started writing in my attempt to find my best friend (myself)… in these last three years, I’ve gone through quite a journey. Divorce, Death and Desertion is what they say are the key ingredients to a women’s resurgence. And the ‘Death’ of my marriage, followed by my ‘Divorce’ caused me to go through an incredible rebirth.

So much so, that I’m at a place in my life where (and believe me when I say that this was NEVER something I EVER thought would come out of my head) I truly don’t have a desire for a romantic relationship. I’m very pleased and happy to be on this journey in a relationship with myself. I have my friendships and, for now, they are very fulfilling to me. I can run to the restaurant with my girlfriends, catch a meal and not worry about the ‘after-meal’… worry about the ego, worry about any of that stuff you worry about on dates or in romantic relationships. I can just be ‘me’… the woman who has an opinion, who loves to laugh – out loud (really loud, sometimes) and who just loves to whoop it up.

Before you get all ‘hater’ on me and start sending those emails… I LOVE men… I truly do. I’m just going through a little ‘self-discovery’ period right now. And this period will last, how long? I truly don’t know. But, it is a necessary part of my journey. One that I’ve not really allowed myself to fully be on. I’ve really not allowed myself to just ‘be’ and trust myself and be with myself. For the first time I’m alone. No family nearby and only the love of good friends to hold on to. I’ll need to learn to ask for help when it’s needed. And I’ll need to reach out more. This is the time for me to do the ‘reaching’ because this was something that I did fail in in my relationship with both my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend (Honey, you remember him? I really didn’t do right by him on a certain level… must learn to curb that).

If I’m to be whole again, I need to learn that, not only can I stand on my own two feet (once and for all); but that it isn’t those of whom I depend that will let me down, it’s that I’m afraid I will let myself down. (Ah! Yes… makes a difference, doesn’t it?) I’ve let myself down so many times with not following through on my own dreams, and my own goals. I’ve led a life that I’ve despised in others; whereby, I’ve blamed others for my disappointments.

This is a tough thing to swallow (truth always is), but it must be faced if we are to move forward and make the necessary changes to improve our paths in life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not beating myself down (or up), I’m merely facing some hard-core facts about myself that I’ve not truly written in stone before. And it has been proven in these last three years that it is very therapeutic for me to put my feelings in writing… As I’ve made quite a bit of progress along the way. And it is always my intention that others might read and learn from my bloody knees… or at the very least, know that they aren’t alone and that there is still hope.

Life is always full of learning; I’m grateful to be of a mind that I can look – I’ll be it, critically – and learn from the mistakes of my past. I can only hope that I can move forward with the knowledge I’ve gained and not be doomed to repeat it.

I found the following passage and thought it appropriate – for the most part. It spoke to me.
“There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without pre-established harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise shall give hint no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

In closing, will I find “love” again? I really don’t know if it’s in the cards (only the Universe truly knows that answer). I only know that there is a time and place for everything… My time will come – then again, maybe not. I must live authentically, and be true to Me. We all must learn to be true to ourselves, live to our potentials and beyond and take the celebrations when the opportunity presents itself. Life is not just a dream, those dreams do come true – once we apply ourselves and realize that we can, after our follow-through, depend on ourselves.


Pack Up All My Care and Woe… Here I Go… Singin’ Hello!

Moving day, when shall it be?  I know, I signed the lease, paid the deposit, first month rent; I even took out my renters policy and switched on my gas549799_4630910024197_789888604_n and electric (part of the terms of the lease), nuts huh?  But I wanted to get in on this special deal that they had going.  The apartment I got is a two bedroom, two bath for almost four hundred off market!  Yea!  I know!  Besides, it’s not like I don’t have the money, so I thought, “what do I have to lose?”  So I signed the lease and I went in for my walk through… all is marvelous!

Ah! I can’t wait!  This move and this apartment has  so much significance for me.  I’ve been the ‘care giver’ for over a decade and I find that I am finally moving into a place and am finally at a place in my life where I no longer have that ‘care giver’ requirement; I need only worry about myself (at least for this space in time).  I will forever be available to watch out for my sister Elizabeth, she is on her own and has no family.  My brother on the other hand, has a family and besides, his burden of alcoholism is his own.  He needs to take responsibility for his problems and straighten out his own life.  I can’t do that for him.  His children are grown, no need to ‘care’ for them.  They have their own lives and have made it abundantly clear that they don’t need us (Elizabeth and me).  Well, unless they need money… Ha!  That always seems to be the case, eh?  Kids today!

I’ve been looking into getting another dog (I know… too soon?).  It most likely is too soon and I am going to take my time.  I won’t get a dog until I’m sure I’m ready.  But I’ve got to tell you, I’m chomping’ at the bit already, so I’m pretty close.  But I’ll wait a bit longer.  I have been looking into different types of dogs; of course Westies are what I’ve always had, so will most likely stay with that breed (just love ’em!).

It’s an exciting time, many new prospects, so many possibilities.  One thing is for certain, I will be on my own for a while; it’s my choice… I’m looking forward to the solitude.  It will be nice to have the place to my own, to not have to worry about anyone else but me and my bird Frank (you remember Frank?).  Once again, I’ll be able to walk around in the nude, I’ll even be able to vacuüm in the nude should I ever be so inclined.  My apartment is on the end, next to open space.  So, picture it, I have neighbors on one side and nothing but trees and grass and hills on the other (it’s gorgeous!).

I’ve been thinking about this and how it just ‘fell’ into my lap, it’s almost as if the Universe gave it to me on a platter.  I looked at my Goal Poster the other day and this apartment was on it!  Oh, I wanted it in the brand new development in the center of town at $2,400/month with all the fixings, like a Gym, pool, Jacuzzi… (2 each and all new appliances and granite counter tops); but honestly?  I got such a better deal.  I’ve got more room, my 424573_4630919624437_1352187675_nsolitude, openness of the ‘green space’, the walking trail, a pool, most importantly?  I’ve got my life back!

It’s funny, this new place is near where my ex-husband and I lived for about 10 years of our marriage.  Now, that was a time when we were probably the happiest and I find that it is only fitting that I return to the area a happier, healthier me (a single me, but happier just the same…).  They say that we completely change (cells and all) every seven years.  So, I’m not the same person I was when I was twenty-four, or thirty-three, and it just stands to reason that I’m a completely different (new and improved) me now at fifty.

Yes, there is something very significant about this new apartment.  From the moment I looked at the pictures on-line, to the moment I first stepped in, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was going to be here for some time  and  that we would become quite enchanted with each other.  Most importantly, I can’t shake the feeling that a great many life changing events will happen to me here and that this move will seal the  start of another phase of my life.  A new, wonderful one full of possibilities and opportunities.  Where dreams become reality and  friendships strengthen.  Something I’ve learned these last few years, life is far too short and friends (true friends) are hard to come by; so we must nurture those relationships like a gardener tends to her prized rose garden.  With consistency and care and love.

I’d like to introduce you to a dear old friend of mine that I’ve been in search of for so long; Ms. Ann MacGregor.  I lost you once, and don’t intend to lose you again.

I’m Still Standing And The Sun Is Glorious!

Yep, I’m still standing, and standing, and standing… Wow!  After a blow like that, one would think I would be on the ground!  But it takes a lot to take an old lady of $& years down… (what?  you thought I’d give my age? not in a million years!)…  No.  I’m still standing and have no intention of being disheartened.  Almost a year ago I was seriously thinking of taking my life ( yes… I said that).   It was an extremely dark and grim time of my life; much of  my self-esteem was wrapped up in my work (a place that was not very supportive at all) and I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with thoughts of “it’s too late, what will happen if?”  Or, “how will I ever pick up from here, I have nothing.”  And today, with all that has happened, I can’t tell you the relief.  So much can happen in just a short amount of time… so it goes to show, when you find yourself having a bad day/week/month? Wait it out… the tide always turns.  And my tide is turning (finally).

The once stormy sea is as calm as it was before the ever tumultuous thrashing this economy has wreaked on most of the world; that  and what would be known as the afflictions of life’s trials with family sickness, remorse and estrangement.  Yes, the skies are of brilliant sky-blue against the deep aqua blue of the ocean with its white-capped waves.  I see this in my mind as this is how my life feels it is turning.  Life has its seasons and it is no secret that I was in a LONG winter.  I now feel spring has arrived and is here for the long haul.  The sun is shining on my face and I can taste the salt from the ocean on my lips.  Yes, spring is finally here (figuratively speaking) and I am going to revel in all of its experiences.

Even with all the disappointments of last week (trust me there were many), I feel refreshed, back to my old self (oops, that word ‘old’).  But even the word/feeling known as ‘age’ or ‘old’ can’t sand away my smooth edges and ruffle my feathers (not today).  I’ve since spoken to Jordan, by the way.  We came to an understanding and he understands where I was coming from and I understand him…  So, now it’s simply a case of enjoying our friendship.  Hey, at least he called; most guys would have just shined me on and waited several weeks or never called at all.  He truly is a good guy, just a bit over loaded is all.

I’m proud of myself though.  I’m seeing people more clearly and not making excuses for them.  I’m not going into relationships with the intention that I can ‘change’ them.  Nope, I see who they are and can either live with it or not and simply move on.

To say I hold no judgement would say I’m perfect and unless you know something I don’t… well need I say more?  We all get caught making assumptions about each other or getting our feelings hurt because “they should have known better.”  I think the point is that ‘we’ should be big enough to accept apologies and hear each other out.  If we can’t then we lose; not the other way around.

As I’ve said before (we’ve all said it before); life is too short.  There comes a time when you are brought to task and must step up.  Sometimes it will be for that friend of yours when you overhear someone else talking smut about them.  Or maybe it’ll be when you hear a co-worker sexually harassing another co-worker, or simply saying “I’m sorry.”  In any event, you will find yourself at that pivotal point when you will have the choice to say or do something; and when you don’t?  You will regret it.  And you know something?   It is the worst feeling in the world and there is no way to take those moments back.

Now, there may be no way to take back ‘those’ moments; but you can make it a point to make it up and move forward with the conviction that you will make the difference.

Yea, the ‘winter’ season has come to a close for the time being and I’m enjoying the wondrous season of spring.  My divorce will be final soon and

English: Yellow Poppy taken at Vijay Chowk, Ne...

English: Yellow Poppy taken at Vijay Chowk, New Delhi (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

soon that phase/part of my life will be my past.  I’m still not too sure how I feel about it.  I cried when I received the paperwork (it was all so final), but know that this was the best decision I ever made for me; not for my family, not for my ex-husband, but for me.  And in a small way for my ex.  He can now find someone to better suit him. (or not).

So much has been learned and there is so much to learn (STILL!).  But I’m enjoying the process, truly.   Here is a wonderful quote I found today:

“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”~Sarah Ban Breathnach

Divorce, Disappointment, Dealling With It

First, this is a REALLY difficult piece as it shows just how vulnerable I

Broken heart sewn back together

Broken heart sewn back together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

am… so place your judgment at the door as I try to just sift through my own feelings (I’ve got plenty of judgement about the turn of events for all of us, trust me).  This past week was met with such promise, such enthusiasm.  Many of you will say “Ann what did you expect?”  That is, once I divulge to you exactly what it was I did.  For about  the past year I had seen someone; not physically, no.  But on the phone we had amazing conversations.  He and I met at a party my best friend had last year.  Oh, our conversation was fiery as we debated and cajoled each other.  At one point I could swear it got so hot we could have taken each other right then and there.

Yea… we wanted one another.  But I wasn’t that kind of girl, besides I had only just met the man!  He got my number from my girlfriend and started calling me.  We talked for hours on the phone.  As my sister got sick, he would check on me to see how I was doing.  As he was going through trials I would check on him.  We became a support system for each other.

There were times where we hadn’t spoken for a few weeks, but then we would be at it again.  (life happens).  But that never stayed that way for long and in would come a call; it was him.  That handsome devil; a smile would reach my face and I would answer the phone and our conversation would start-up as if it had never ended.

When my sister died it was as if he just knew.  He called out of the blue; we started back up and he and I were inseparable (on the phone).  Then we got to thinking about finally getting together.  This of course made me very nervous.  All kinds of thoughts ran through my head (mostly about my appearance… what will he think?) and mostly about his intentions.  I mean, the first thing he thought of when we started talking was about getting into the sack.  To which I explained that wasn’t happening… not until I knew him better.

Well, I drove down and we had a wonderful time, or so I thought.  Then the next day came and he decided to take me out, yet I was to be the driver (?).  Back up the bus!  So, that put a minor crimp in my feathers… I did drive 400 miles down to visit him.  Anyway, suddenly I’m not feeling so warm and fuzzy… funny thing about women.  Men, you must realize that we need to be romanced.

So, we are at lunch and he starts in on me and how cold I’ve become (hmm… wonder why?).  And that he just wants things like how we were on the phone.  So, here I am trying to think “how do I tell this guy what I Dick I think he is?  I mean… can’t the dude drive?  I just drove 400 miles, like yesterday; and am damn tired of driving!  Damn!  I don’t have it in me to be ‘warm'”

So I try, gently telling him how I feel.  But it’s more to it and I can feel that too.  I’m feeling conned (don’t ask me how… just know in my gut).  So, I shake it off, we go catch a movie, laugh a lot and go back to his place.  Where he washes my car and gives me some left over chicken (hm… this guy really pulls out all the stops doesn’t he?).

Then off to bed we go…

All the while I’m there he can’t tell me enough how he doesn’t want to let me go, how he just can’t get enough of me.  He wants me to move down and asking me how we are going make this new relationship work.  He even let’s the ‘l’ word slip out.  Oh, this guy is good.

I left on Tuesday to stay with my girlfriend, was home on Wednesday and that evening he called me just to make sure I made it home OK.  I told him I was in rehearsal and asked if I could call him later to which he replied, “don’t call after 10:00…”  What?  Back up the bus!  This coming from the same man who just a week ago said, “oh baby, you can call me anytime, I always want to talk to you.”

Really!  Oh my God!  I’ve been demoted.  This dude will stop at nothing.  So, to date; I’ve still not received a call.  Why not just call him you ask?  You see, in the game of love there are some cardinal rules.  First, let’s remember that I did take the first leap of faith and walked into a situation that I had no idea of what I was getting myself into.  I mean I knew his friends (good friends of his, people he’d know his whole life… I knew he was no serial killer).  But still, I did the drive (a 400 mile drive to be exact).  It should be he that is making every effort to make sure I’ve not made a mistake and don’t feel foolish.

Well, I feel foolish… but you know something?  I’m always going to trust people.  Now I’d like to say that eventually I’ll be smarter about these things, but I won’t.  I’m still going to be just as gullible as I was the day I was born.  I’m just a gullible girl.

But it sure has placed me back into hiding again; not sure I want to go back on the ‘dating train’ again.  Not sure I want to fade all that rejection.  There was more to it that just the lack of calling after our meeting.  Oh, I ended up writing him the follow:

Dear Jordan

 First I wanted to thank you for a wonderful weekend as it was great getting to know you.  The power outage was merely a crimp in our event and, though a test that could have dampened our possibilities; it wasn’t the outage, Christopher or my playing chauffeur on Monday that spoils my memory.  Your lack of interest since then is what puzzles me.

 You insist that you are like no other man; and you furthered your insistence with your ‘sales pitch’ of what you would do for me if I were your girl.  But there are “Speakers” and “Doers”, my dear friend.  And you are a “Speaker, someone with whom I don’t see spending my life.

 You must know how I feel.  After all, I drove 400 hundred mile to see you and it was me, who took that leap of faith (not having a clue what I was walking myself into).  Therefore, the way I see it, it should be you who should see to it that I am comfortable, confident, wanted, secured in my decision, wanted and loved.  I don’t feel those things, Jordon… I feel foolish.

 Jordan, I’m not a complicated woman; but I do read between the lines.  Our last telephone conversation said it all to me; you were terse and cold and said in reply to my request to call you back, “don’t call me after 10:00…”  This after “oh baby, you can call me anytime.  You know I want to talk to you, Babe.”  Wow!  What a change, eh?

 So Jordan, I guess this is good-bye.  I’m no Chump… I was… and perhaps will be again.  But I somehow think you changed that.  Before, I was ‘on the lamb’ in search of myself.  Now, I’m ‘on the lamb’ out of fear; fear of feeling this hurt.

You should be proud, you accomplished what most men could not – you got me out of hiding… But I’m no Medea… yea, I knew about her; why do you think I waited so long?

Yep, you win – I’m yet another conquest – or did you?

 Good luck to you Jordon… Hope you’re happy in this life you’ve chosen for yourself.


So, where do I go from here?  Well, I still have some of my dignity left and I have my friends and my bird.  I can’t look back.  I am divorced, that’s a fact and am told that the sadness that has accompanied that will pass.  Divorce is a death; death of dreams, death of a relationship that was once very important to me; it was nurtured.    I seriously can’t believe he (Jordan) took so much time to wait this out for a ‘conquest’ but, I must face facts and realize that the dude has issues.  Issues that I am in no place to deal with.

So, I move forward.  I’m thinking of asking my lyricist friend to maybe write some lyrics out of that letter… possibly write a song (lol).  Isn’t that how it’s done?  Ah!  Anyway, divorce and disappointment and I’m dealing with it; in more ways than one.

Eating Crow So Much – I think I’ll take seconds!

On May 5th the memorial for my sister finally came together and was beautiful.  Life is one long journey.  Along this path

Heart-shaped cloud

Heart-shaped cloud (Photo credit: aivas14)

we hop, skip, jump, run; we meet friends and foe.  We may stumble and may even fall; however, no matter how hard we fall, we must pick ourselves up and keep on going.  This past week I’ve ‘stumbled’ across some weary hearts.  Some with the regret of “if only” hovering over their weary heads; if only  they  had  seen my sister in her final days to reassure her of their love.  While others, never knowing the trials she faced, could only bask in the memory of her light.  To them (all of them) I want to share the reminder that there are no regrets.  She knew how much they loved her (deep down, she knew).  Regret is a tough emotion; one I’ve come to know all too well.

What does this tell me/tell us?  That the passing of a soul, however long or short on this earth, was not in vain.  She made her ‘mark’ with every passing day and with the stroke of a pen; she made her mark.  I watched and listened as others told their stories of my sister.  And as I listened I learned and placed their reflection into memory.  She honed her craft of nurturing friendships and relationships and many were in awe of this woman I know simply as Kimball.

She fought a battle that many men would not dare fight, many might even scurry from in fear.  But she fought this battle with courage/bravery when so many would wallow in self-pity asking the terminable question; why? Why me? And although there were many days where she wondered this tantamount question; she braved it, knowing her eminent fate.  She braved the smile, the carefree way she had of placing others needs before her own.  She wore the mask of courage and wore it well.

In the weeks following her death I’ve been ridiculed for speaking my thoughts and discussing the trials (both of my family and my own).  I’ve been told I’m nothing more than a ‘tattle tailing’ blog who only looks at the story of her family/friends scornfully.  [if that is what you’ve read, I am sorry.  That simply is/was not my intention].  I write for my awakening and to give a glimpse into the life of someone who has gone through what you, my readers, might be  going through so that we can know we are not alone.

Green Heart (And the Green Grass Grows All Aro...

Green Heart (And the Green Grass Grows All Around, All Around) (Photo credit: CarbonNYC)

This journey has not been an easy one.  To date I’ve witnessed my mother’s deterioration – both mentally and physically – and eventual death; have been witness to my brother drinking himself into oblivion – a man who once wowed all who surrounded him – talking about what he would like to do with his gifts (of which he has multitudes), but will most likely never see them go into fruition (the demons are simply too strong).  I’ve been through separation after twenty plus years of marriage and witnessed my own sister’s struggle with cancer and journey to death.  And it is not my sister’s battle that puzzles me; it is, instead, the lashing out that I’ve received from those I thought were my friends, many of whom had been through the same.   One would think they would have compassion.  But, this writer has found that just as I thought I was to blame for their misunderstanding and rude conduct; I’ve finally concluded that perhaps it isn’t me that has the problem.  Maybe, just maybe, they are the one’s with serious issues.

I know what I’ve done and can proudly say I stood by my mother and my sister.  I stood by them, watched them (watched over them) and protected them as best I could.  There was no manual and we can only do what we feel is best at that particular time.  Yet, I have been judged for what I’ve done (or not done).  How that judgment can be I just don’t know.  For unless you’ve walked a mile or so in someone elses shoes; well, there is simply nothing anyone has a right to say/do/judge (words I myself have had to humbly swallow).

My family all came together for the memorial, we had friends step up to the plate and many just weren’t sure what to do.  No matter, we all do what it is that we are able.  To all of them, I cherish you and cherish your strength and all you’ve given me and my family.  People with whom I never would have expected became Angels [Earthly Angels]; something I was foretold would happen if I would simply allow it.

We are vastly approaching the two month mark of my sister’s passing.  I’ve just received my divorce papers and know that that is on its way to completion.  There are just too many things going on in my life.  But, I still find time to reflect and my sister had a wonderful gift (many actually) and it is my intention to learn from them.  To cherish each person that journey’s into and through my life.  Some are only temporary, while others are here for a lifetime.  I cherish each and everyone and to Kimball; I will always carry your heart.

I have a favorite poem that pretty much says it all.  And to those, all those I love (past and present and both among us and those who have passed on) I give you the following poem is by E. E. Cummings.

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in
my heart)
I am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

Sunday – April Fools… (no, really it’s Sunday…)

Two weeks have past and I’m feeling a bit back into the regular.  Got up at 6:30 this morning; checked some email and

Picture of a Daffodill, scientifically referre...

Picture of a Daffodill, scientifically referred to as a Narcissus, that was captured using the digital macro mode, in the neighborhood called Capitol Hill, Denver, Colorado USA. Narcissi are used in abundance in gardens. This has much to do with their winter hardiness, the ease with which they naturalize, and their many applications. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

went back to bed to catch a few more Zz’s.  Woke up around 9:00, refreshed; made coffee and french toast.  I did my taxes last night on one of those new fangled on-line deals [sigh]; it is the first tax return I’ve done without my ex-husband.  I thought I would feel FREE, woo hoo; jumping off the ceiling.  But, I don’t know, some how I just feel blah.

On the other hand, I thought this would be extremely emotional for me; again, blah.  It is a bit freeing, I won’t have to hear his nagging about how I should have had my employer take more taxes out because, “we didn’t get as much of a return…” (blah, blah, blah…).  Yea, like he EVER even paid!  I mean this coming from a man who, when I would suggest paying quarterly, would shake his head and tell me, “we can’ t afford it.”  To which I would reply, “if we would simply deduct a percentage out from your payments and place it in a savings account…”; ah, he never listened.

Hm, that ‘blah’ feeling that I was having earlier?  Just changed to ‘woo hoo, freedom!’  Sorry Doug, but you were kind of a pain in my a#&… more like a hemorrhoid that would just pop up when the mood suited you.  So, it is a relief.  Now onto the separation papers.  That is another big emotion and pain.  Note to self: Marriage? Cheap – Divorce?  EXPENSIVE!  And very, VERY emotional.

It’s not like a HUGE expense (well, not if you try to do this on your own and leave the lawyers out of it), but… For example, in California should you decide to separate first, you must pay the fee for separation AND divorce.  Now it is my choice to file separation and in the eyes of the law that makes us legally divorced for all intense and purposes except for the part of remarrying.  But, I really don’t think I’m ever marrying again so… I can wait until he retires in a few years.  Then again, I seriously doubt I’m ever going to be working again.  Well, not for a corporation, so I doubt he will ever have access to benefits from me.  So maybe I should just go straight for the divorce.  But, then again that just feels like the final nail in the coffin.  The end.  I really don’t know that I’m ready; but why?

Am I going to ever go back to him (only if HELL froze over…).  The emotion comes from the ‘what ifs’, the dreams that were dreamed and never realized.  There are over twenty years of life that were lived that are now going to be erased.  So many memories coupled with the fact that this was, and still is, a good man.  I just don’t know that I’m ready to say to the courts that I want to dissolve it yet.

This is “procrastination” in the truest form all because of fear; fear of the unknown.  Fear of what I feared all along, that no one would ever want me.  I mean, look at me, here I am; I’ve been single for almost three years and the only men I’ve been able to attract are either lunatics or on-night Romeo’s out for a ‘booty call’.  [sigh]  This is very similar to the situation of my youth.  Is it any wonder that when Doug came along that I didn’t just jump at the chance?  Some say I settled.  And that may be true for a variety of reasons (I know that now).  But all in all we had many wonderful years woven in the bad.  No, I can’t live with him anymore but that isn’t to say that I never loved him or that I don’t still.

Well, this is certainly an uplifting post… I don’t know how to turn this around.  So, I look at the positive of the situation.  I am now doing that which I love (singing, writing, songwriting), I have a new circle of friends (along with the same old circle) that are wonderful/talented artists in the own right.  I’ve found my voice and will continue to express it (be it through song or my words in my posts/articles).  I’m finding a new relationship with my other sister Elizabeth and accepting my brother (warts and all).  Knowing that he, only he can determine his fate and whether he will live his life sober or not.  Same can be said for my ex.  However my brother’s situation is far more deadly and something that we all hope will remedy before we are planning his memorial.  He has so many gifts, so many talents (if only he would see them… truly see them).

And I guess there in lies my lesson.  To see my gifts/talents and to share them each and every day.  Our family is big on ‘talking as if’.  As if talking is doing.  The problem with doing this or getting into the habit of this is that your life can go by you in a flash and before you know it, you are at your end, possibly in a hospital bed talking with a nurse and you let  out your last breath and that is the end.

So, it’s Sunday and there is still at least part of the day left.  My intention?  To get on my sneakers and doA pair of black Converse sneakers some walking (something I’ve avoided) and start getting into shape.  Perhaps I’ll start running again (something I used to do when I was in high school and LOVED); either way, it is time to move – something.

Happy April everyone… Go out and be a fool, and don’t forget to say those three little words you know we all love to hear “I LOVE YOU” – if you haven’t said them I suggest you start; what are you waiting for?

Home is where the heart is; therefore it follows wherever you go.

There was once this couple, who placed everything they had (EVERYTHING they had)

the rain begins

Image by wiseacre via Flickr

down onto a home.  I remember the day they finally found THE house.  He called her at work after weeks of exhausted searches, none of which would come to light or even really be ‘the one’.  Then she gets the call, “honey, you are never going to believe this house.  I feel like it is just what we have been looking for; I feel like it is…us.  You just have to see it, when can you see it?”  She, looking through the work on her desk, hems and haws, ” well, I can be out there at lunch.”

As she drives up with the realtor, it’s as if she has been at this house before.  Almost as if this home was meant for them (beckoning to them).  With each step she took up the walk way, through the front door, through to the back yard.  She gasped at the view, “how beautiful”, she thought.  “Here, check out the bonus room, I think we can use this as our T.V. room; what do you think Sweetie?”  Her husband asked her.  She took one look around and replied with a grin, “it should be great, I think we should be able to get everything to fit in here just fine.”  As she stepped through the home, with each step and into each room, she knew this house was theirs.  It was a one story ranch style home with three bedrooms and two baths; perfect to start the family they wanted.

So much promise was in our hearts when we moved into that little ranch style home (God we loved that house, the view).  Little did we know how everything would work out.  Our marriage is now nearing divorce and the home that we once loved is nearing Foreclosure.  Who would ever have known this would have happened; who could have predicted?

Half million dollar house in Salinas, Californ...

Image via Wikipedia

I just received this news from my ex and was surprisingly calm about the whole thing.  It is, after all, just ‘stuff’.  That’s all it is, really.  We go round and round in this life, making purchases from gum to shoes to cars to homes; all with the intent of ‘owning’ it all, as if we can really truly own a part or piece of this earth.  We are merely borrowers of the real estate we inhabit, that’s all.

This loss means more than the real estate or ‘stuff’ for me.  It’s the loss or the final nail in the coffin (if you will) of our marriage and our life together as a family, a couple.  This journey has taken, and continues to take many steps for me and my self discovery.  I’ve said before that I’m uncertain of my path before me (aren’t we all most of the time?).  But I’m relieved that this phase of my life is finally coming to a close, that worry is done (for now anyway).

I can move forward, enjoy the holidays.  Concentrate on the importance of the holiday; family, friends and helping the community.  Staying out of my ‘head’ as much as possible might not be such a bad idea and could prove to be most therapeutic (I’ll save the “in head” stuff for my sessions; wink, wink).

This reminds me of the prayer: Lord grand me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It’s a great reminder, especially now.  One day at a time, and one step at a time starting from where I am…  All in due time.

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