Three’s Company (or is it?)

LovetriangleIt is October and there is finally a sense of Fall in the air (I actually turned off the AC…); so sorry, I haven’t written since July!  My apologies.  Life has been wonderful and full!  My grief has lessened to the point I’m smiling, happy and have that wonderful, peppy, bounce back in my step.  Even so, however I’ve found myself in a precarious place.  Just a few months ago (you might remember) I was asking myself the question “did I make the correct decision of divorcing my husband Douglas?”  I so longed for that man who I dated for over a year, that man who was so genuinely kind and loved to cook.  Was a champion fisherman and abalone diver.  There were so many things I LOVED about that man; so many things that I wonder, what happened?  What happened in our marriage that made me, this woman, his wife, say “enough!”

I ask this because life has brought me back to this same man.  Well, not the same man; an older man (as I’m an older woman).  We are not those same two youngsters saying their vows in the Spring of 1988.  We have had over 20 years of life, of hurt, of arguments, of heart-ache, of LOVE.  Yes; I said it… LOVE.  There were many times that I should have said “adios!”  But I couldn’t.  By the act of simply kissing his lips, I knew I loved  him and that everything was going to be ok.

My problem is that now that we have been divorced I thought we could make a go of it.  And I’ve found – You can’t go back.  People rarely are NOT  what they tell you they are.  In LoveTrangleother words… the ARE who THEY SHOW YOU THEY ARE!!!  Basically, in a nutshell, he’s not going to change.  Actually, I’m not going to change (not with him and not in the same scenario).  So, I choose to change my life.  I choose to NOT marry him.  I choose to live my life the way I WANT to live it.  Not sure exactly how that is; but at least I’m going to be the captain of my destiny.

Now the plot thickens as I’ve met this other chap… I like him… I like him a lot!  And, he likes me… ooh the problematic “Love Triangle”; or is it?  Problem is he is a friend of my ex.  So, I’m in a pickle.  Other problem?  He might have found out just how dumb I really am (that or how dull I really am).  He’s very worldly – I’m not.  I’m still learning so many wonderful things.  My biggest fear is that people realize just how stupid I truly am.  Originally he was very boisterous, “can’t wait to hear from you”, “count down to see you”, “what about a rendezvous”  and all that… Now, he’s been very distant, very proper… so, he might be gone and  there may not be anything to worry about.  Oh, well… as my dear friends tell me, should that be the case, then he/they just don’t know what they got.  Ah… I guess that’s true.  Perhaps I should tell the voices in my head to go to the Devil and hush!

Really, why do we waste our time worrying about such nonsense still?  It’s truly nothing but a huge pain in the Puss!  I’m done… for now…  My question:  Should I be?  What do you think?




Adventure On! How Wonderful!

My adventures continue as I start clearing my things out in trying to get ready for my move in March.  Yes, you read that right, My New PlaceI’m moving in a bit over a few days and I will be moving to a quaint little small town that is just what the Doctor ordered (I think).  I just signed the papers on my new place a few weeks ago and how wonderful it feels.  When I arrived “up-country” to stay with my dear friends  where we went to dinner, I pigged out on my favorite mac and cheese (God that place makes the BEST Mac n Cheese anywhere!), and proceeded to drink the first of many drinks.  This was unfortunate – because I apparently took a phone call (one I didn’t remember until this a.m. boy was I loaded)… and made an ASS out of myself (don’t you hate that?).  There should be Breathalyzers for phones before you speak, text, or do anything that isn’t 911 related.  At any rate, needless to say it has been quite some time since I’ve been that plottoed.  To my friends, my apologies…  to whomever I was talking with (I do remember who it was… but for the sake of discretion will leave his name out of it), my apologies… I was totally blowing smoke up your back-end…  at least I own it… and you really do have to be able to laugh at yourself (no sense in crying over spilled milk).

Anyway, back to more pressing matters, me – it is all about me is it not?  I’m moving and am truly excited about this move.  The town is a historic, lovely little town and is a mere 45 minutes from the big city…  We are surrounded by culture, the people are wonderful and my real-estate broker is like a new-found friend…  I just love it up there!  Now onto the drudgery of the packing (ugh!) and finding a good moving company; of which I’ve found a great one – Yelp is a wonderful helper, and I found some ‘Packers’ to help with my packing needs.   This new adventure is very exciting and carries with it some fears (strangely).  I’ve lived in this area that I currently live in for twenty-nine years.  My sister Kimball was always my ‘touchstone’ as she was family.  Come to think of it, I’ve never really lived anywhere where I’ve not had family close by.

But there are still many days where I find myself saddened at the idea that she is no longer available to visit, to just to go to her home and hang out with her over some dinner or a martini.  Super Bowl has come and gone and reminded me how much she would love to sit and watch the game (she was an avid football fan).  While we watched she would teach me how they game went, what all the ‘1st downs’ and ‘4th downs’ meant (I was lucky if I knew what color jersey our team was wearing).

These days grief seems to be around many of us.  I’m just getting out of a long spell while two of my dear friends are just entering.  It is hard to see those you love face tough times such as these (such a helpless feeling).  I know that as each day passes the pain will lessen, as they do have each other to lighten the load – still, the passing of their dear, dear friend must weigh heavy indeed.  Just a few weeks ago, another friend of theirs passed; the one and only Pete Seeger.  Known by many for his wonderful music such as, Where Have All The Flowers Gone, If I Had A Hammer (to only name a couple); but also for his courage in standing up against the House of Un-American Activities in 1955. PeteSeegertotheHouseUnAmerican

Pete blessed many with his music and the generosity of his talent.  My friends are so very grateful to have had their lives influenced by him and I’m so very grateful to have my life influenced by them (life truly is six degrees of separation).

I think of when we all met and started singing together, I had no idea of the path my life would be taking.  Never would I have thought – nor would I have thought I’d have the courage to move up to a wonderful little small town; so far away from what I know and am comfortable with.  Embarking on a completely new life.  Still holding those that I’ve known and loved for all this time, close and near to my heart – while meeting new people and making new friends.

I have been influenced greatly by, not just these two (who I will lovingly refer to as George and Gracie), but all those I’ve met these last few years – musicians/artists who are so very talented and have given generously to others (people like myself) their knowledge and time.  Who knows where I would be?  I think back to that woman in August 2011; so broken and hopeless.  This feeling of failure everywhere she turned.  Only to look in the mirror and see that same woman, a bit wiser, a bit more confident and looking forward to the unknown – feeling more assured in her future.  Relaxed and able to ‘go with the current’ as she embarks on this wonderful new branch in this river we call life.

Love On The Fast Track (or is it?)

As you know, it has been almost three years since I’ve left my husband

English: Love question

English: Love question (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

and our divorce is almost final.  I know it took a while for me to get used to the idea before filing papers.  So, in the interim, as soon as I’d given up on the idea of ever finding ‘Amore’; BAM!  It hit me like a ROCK!

I’ve fallen folks; hard!  And I know it’s quick, only three weeks; but if it is any consolation, we have known each other for three years and four months.  Honestly, I think there had always been a  connection  (or at least  I could feel it).  Even so, there is simply not much a person can do when they are trying like the devil to work on their own teetering marriage.   Though, at the time I thought mine was pretty solid, only to  soon find out (about 2 months later in fact) about my ex’s drinking and his hiding the alcohol.  Hence my plan to leave.

But even when everything went a rye, it would turn out that we each needed time to heal.  Well, I know I needed time to heal as there were many days where I couldn’t go without crying over my failed marriage (and I was the one who left!).  Also, I think if you hop back into another relationship (right after a failed one), you tend to fall into the same trap that you did before (subconsciously of course).  I know that when I tried dating I found that the first guy was nothing like my ex.  The second was a bit more like him and by the time I got to the fourth; he was the splitting image!  So I ran as far as I could – ran for them thar hills and into hiding (thus, my blog).

And what did I find out about myself the last several months? (Actually, it’s almost two years… Jeese, can’t believe it’s been that long already) Well, I’ve discovered that I was as much responsible for the failure of my marriage as my ex.  OUCH!  Yep, that hurts to admit… But it’s true.  I’ve said this in past posts that I pushed him away by doing for myself.   You see, I was raised by a single mother who did everything, from the gardening to the building of the fences, to the sewing of our clothes, to the cooking of our meals; she did everything by herself (with the help of her little house maids – we kids).  But I wasn’t fortunate enough to witness two parents splitting up the household chores or laying down the expectations each spouse had for the other.  Not to place blame, it’s just that that is a very big role that was missing in my life and was something I didn’t even realize until after all went kaput.

In a way (a very big way) I emasculated my ex-husband to the point of him probably saying “why bother” AND “why bother to even sexually please her?”  I made myself very unavailable.  I know that it sounds like I’m taking on the whole lot of our failed marriage and trust me when I say, I’m not.  But I do have concerns in this new relationship of mine and I don’t wish to continue the trends from the last.

I did learn some good things these last couple of years and the main point being that I do deserve happiness.  I deserve the happiness with a man who adores me, wants to be with me, and thinks of me every morning he wakes up and every night before he goes to sleep.  And I finally found such a man.

Funny thing is that I’ve wanted this for so long.  With this particular individual?  Yes, for the most part, yes.  But to be perfectly honest, I thought there was no hope, no interest; so I had given up.  When the truth is, it just wasn’t our time (funny how the Universe works, isn’t it?).

I can truly, without question say that I LOVE this person; more than I’ve ever loved anyone (this way) ever.  Now, this could be hurtful if my ex ever found out and I would never want that to happen because I did (and do) love him.  But with my ex (and if he really thought about it I do believe he would agree), our love was more like a love between brother and sister, or simply friends as opposed to lovers.  It had gotten so distant, there was no hope.  It was never that ‘I’ll do anything for you’ type of love.  He never treated me in the same fashion,  nor has he ever looked at me in the same way.  It is simply not the same.

So, the question goes out to you.  How soon does one know when they are in Love?  Do you know right away?  Are we just being silly to know this soon?  I don’t know, I just feel as if I know (no question) and that it is comfortable.  For instance, we are great friends and we laugh forever on the phone (and the best way to my heart is through laughter).  He is truly the sweetest man; he is  considerate, loving, thoughtful, attentive to my needs and affections…   I have to say that I knew this was ‘it’ before I knew… (If that makes any sense)

In the past, I would wonder, question, ask the ‘what ifs’ and then wonder, question and ask the ‘what ifs’ some more, until I was exhausted.  But here I just know somehow.  I’m not scared, not thinking about the future, not worrying about the past; I seem to know that all is going to be alright.  And that I’m in love and that for the first time in my life I am following my heart and not what I think someone else wants me to do, act or feel.  And you know something?  It feels so wonderful!

Let Us Live and Love (5)

by Gaius Valerius Catullus
translated by Thomas Campion
My sweetest Lesbia, let us live and love;
And though the sager sort our deeds reprove,
Let us not weigh them. Heaven's great lamps of five
Into their west, and straight again revive;
But, soon as once set is our little light,
Then must we sleep one ever-during night.If all would lead their lives in love like me,
Then bloody swords and armor should not be;
No drum nor trumpet peaceful sleeps should move,
Unless alarm came from camp of love.
But fools do live and waster their little light,
And seek with pain their ever-during night.
When timely death my life and fortune ends,
Let not my hearse be vexed with mourning friends;
But let all lovers rich in triumph come,
And with sweet pastime grace my happy tomb.
And, Lesbia, close up thou my little light,
And crown with love by ever-during night.

I’m Still Standing And The Sun Is Glorious!

Yep, I’m still standing, and standing, and standing… Wow!  After a blow like that, one would think I would be on the ground!  But it takes a lot to take an old lady of $& years down… (what?  you thought I’d give my age? not in a million years!)…  No.  I’m still standing and have no intention of being disheartened.  Almost a year ago I was seriously thinking of taking my life ( yes… I said that).   It was an extremely dark and grim time of my life; much of  my self-esteem was wrapped up in my work (a place that was not very supportive at all) and I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with thoughts of “it’s too late, what will happen if?”  Or, “how will I ever pick up from here, I have nothing.”  And today, with all that has happened, I can’t tell you the relief.  So much can happen in just a short amount of time… so it goes to show, when you find yourself having a bad day/week/month? Wait it out… the tide always turns.  And my tide is turning (finally).

The once stormy sea is as calm as it was before the ever tumultuous thrashing this economy has wreaked on most of the world; that  and what would be known as the afflictions of life’s trials with family sickness, remorse and estrangement.  Yes, the skies are of brilliant sky-blue against the deep aqua blue of the ocean with its white-capped waves.  I see this in my mind as this is how my life feels it is turning.  Life has its seasons and it is no secret that I was in a LONG winter.  I now feel spring has arrived and is here for the long haul.  The sun is shining on my face and I can taste the salt from the ocean on my lips.  Yes, spring is finally here (figuratively speaking) and I am going to revel in all of its experiences.

Even with all the disappointments of last week (trust me there were many), I feel refreshed, back to my old self (oops, that word ‘old’).  But even the word/feeling known as ‘age’ or ‘old’ can’t sand away my smooth edges and ruffle my feathers (not today).  I’ve since spoken to Jordan, by the way.  We came to an understanding and he understands where I was coming from and I understand him…  So, now it’s simply a case of enjoying our friendship.  Hey, at least he called; most guys would have just shined me on and waited several weeks or never called at all.  He truly is a good guy, just a bit over loaded is all.

I’m proud of myself though.  I’m seeing people more clearly and not making excuses for them.  I’m not going into relationships with the intention that I can ‘change’ them.  Nope, I see who they are and can either live with it or not and simply move on.

To say I hold no judgement would say I’m perfect and unless you know something I don’t… well need I say more?  We all get caught making assumptions about each other or getting our feelings hurt because “they should have known better.”  I think the point is that ‘we’ should be big enough to accept apologies and hear each other out.  If we can’t then we lose; not the other way around.

As I’ve said before (we’ve all said it before); life is too short.  There comes a time when you are brought to task and must step up.  Sometimes it will be for that friend of yours when you overhear someone else talking smut about them.  Or maybe it’ll be when you hear a co-worker sexually harassing another co-worker, or simply saying “I’m sorry.”  In any event, you will find yourself at that pivotal point when you will have the choice to say or do something; and when you don’t?  You will regret it.  And you know something?   It is the worst feeling in the world and there is no way to take those moments back.

Now, there may be no way to take back ‘those’ moments; but you can make it a point to make it up and move forward with the conviction that you will make the difference.

Yea, the ‘winter’ season has come to a close for the time being and I’m enjoying the wondrous season of spring.  My divorce will be final soon and

English: Yellow Poppy taken at Vijay Chowk, Ne...

English: Yellow Poppy taken at Vijay Chowk, New Delhi (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

soon that phase/part of my life will be my past.  I’m still not too sure how I feel about it.  I cried when I received the paperwork (it was all so final), but know that this was the best decision I ever made for me; not for my family, not for my ex-husband, but for me.  And in a small way for my ex.  He can now find someone to better suit him. (or not).

So much has been learned and there is so much to learn (STILL!).  But I’m enjoying the process, truly.   Here is a wonderful quote I found today:

“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”~Sarah Ban Breathnach

Walking; not just good for the waistline, it’s good for the imagination and soul.

Day 120: walking

Image by bookgrl via Flickr

With all that has happened over the past year; I’ve realized that I’ve not gone out for any exercise in at least that long (that’s no good).  In my defense I truly have had quite a bit on this plate of mine.  Finally, today  I was able to get on my walking shoes and out the door and into the neighborhood and do some serious walking.  So much to see, hear and drink in when you venture out in your sneakers.  Of course, I’ll be heading right back out the door as I was reminded that tonight is the night for our local Farmers Market (don’t want to miss that!).

But there is a silly thing that I like to do as I pass by the homes; I always like to imagine the families behind the doors.  What their lives are like, what they are like, the personalities and so on.  I also have what is referred to in our family as the ‘sickness’ that has been passed down from mother to daughters (we all have it).  You’ve heard how the Vampire only goes out after sundown?  Well, we MacGregor women all set out at dusk… That’s when we go out and walk and look to see how the neighbors have decorated their homes.  Yea, sounds bad huh?  But it is quite enjoyable and before ‘reality T.V.’ took off and became the norm (or was even thought of for that matter), I would get on my walking shoes and get my decorating ideas from my neighbors (literally).

It’s harmless, I assure you.  I love admiring the well groomed yards and, when at just the right time (dusk), where it’s still light enough for curtains to remain open, but dark enough for lights to come on, I really like to see how people have decorated the inside.  Now before you get too alarmed, I’m not stopping and peering in (though I’ve been tempted… some of these places are gorgeous!).  I’m merely walking by and soaking up the view.

But it occurred to me that while doing this, there’s something quite therapeutic in it.  It allows me to admire the beauty (obviously); but it also allows me to expand and dream about my own life (something I’ve denied myself for a while now).  I didn’t even really realize it until today.  I’ve been running from one thing to the next, spinning myself in circles.  This used to be one of my favorite activities (I told you, it’s a sickness…) and I’ve been so exhausted, so down, so filled with self pity that I’ve started to live like Miss Havisham.

Oh, I allowed myself some ‘me’ time (obviously) and that always constituted some daydreaming.  But, for whatever reason, getting out into the neighborhood and soaking in the sites was not on the radar, I was simply too tired or too busy.

My adventure today showed me men at the ballpark coaching the little boys for the upcoming game; a young mother was walking her twins in their stroller; I even got barked at by a young chocolate lab (just letting everyone know about the crazy lady looking over everything).  I will be heading back out for yet another adventure (a small one I assure you).

But, my sneakers will lead me to our little Main Street Farmers Market and to a whole host of food and people.  And hopefully, if I play my cards right, I’ll be walking back right around dusk.  I’m so excited and can’t stand it!  I think about this time last year and how heavy my heart was.

I can remember walking to the farmers market, this town seemed so foreign to me and all I could think of was my day to day and how I was going to get through each day.  My heart was so wounded still.  In spite of what has happened these past couple of weeks, I still feel so much better in my personal life and that I’m getting that much closer to knowing the girl in reflection.

Yea, walking is good for the heart, mind and soul.  (and the waistline can always use the benefit right?  Of course right… ).

Dipped my toes and now I’m ready to dive in… I think.

Blue water. The River Lonan cascading through ...

Image via Wikipedia

My best friend came into town and we had a blast.  When talking I realized how much I miss having someone around.  You know what I mean?  That special someone that you can just chat with about your day, people you meet or see.  I’ve so missed laughing with someone.  She and I found ourselves laughing until we cried (great times!).

So the question is, now what?  I think I’m ready to dive in, but should I wait a bit? Volunteer my time for a local charity perhaps.  Keep myself busy with a class.  I know that my sister could use my help right now.  And I know what you’re thinking, I’m running from possibilities.

No, I’m not.  I’m just trying to give myself the full extent of my time and explore all my options as well as reintroduce myself to Me.  I don’t know that hopping back into the dating pool is the actual answer to my lonesome-ness, but I do think I’m ready to open myself up to the possibility of meeting someone.  Just not necessarily on the internet sites (not just yet… still too creepy).

I do miss having those conversations though, and those flirtations.  Oh, and the sex!  Old B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) tends to grow old after a while… if you know what I mean.  (never said I was bashful…).

So, just what do I do about this situation?  I guess I do what I’ve been doing and that is to just take it one day at a time.  Continue to go inward to find my answers and to find my comfort.  After all, being alone isn’t the issue, being lonely is.  And I’m rarely lonely (if at all).  I think I’ll survive just fine.  I have dipped my toes in, I’m even ready to dive in; but I think I’ll sit, soak up the sun and get nice and hot so that the dunk will be that much more refreshing.  Yea…