I’ve Searched And Searched – And He Was Right There (under the old wedding dress)

I started this blog as a way to find myself prior to when I was a “Mrs.” – yet the path that I thought would lead me to my independent self, led me emotionalbaggageto my “satisfied” self; my loved and accepted self.  These past four years, I’ve discovered my mistakes, my baggage and have embarked on the journey of “single” life.  During this time I nursed my sister through cancer and, eventually came to grieve her death.  Lived through a fire, after losing almost all that I treasured and held dear; only to find new friends and ‘things’ to hold in their place.

Since my move to “Small Town America”, I’ve discovered a new love for the simpler things in life and I’ve rediscovered my love for that one man who I fell in love with back in 1986 – Doug…  Yes, we are back together again and will be remarrying sometime in 2015.  It took sometime for us both to realize our own baggage and contributions to the demise of our marriage, but we are ready to move forward.  Doug will be moving in with me to “Small Town America” as he enjoys retirement.  I will work and hopefully publish my book.  I figure that it is time for him to live the “retired life” for a change.

HoldingHands-LoveI just find it funny how these things work out.  All this time, I thought I would be oh so much happier – living independently, or with someone else; when all those other men I was seeing were being compared (in my mind’s eye) to Doug… Nobody would ever love me enough or care for me enough.  Truly loving me for me, in spite of my faults (and I have plenty of them, believe me… I talk to myself; you know that?).  All of the men I dated would try to change me, or would be threatened by me, or would simply use me and dismiss me (remember “Honey?”)…  Anyway, after a few months of going round and round and his persuasive “wooing”, I came to realize that I’ve always loved him (something I’ve never denied, actually) and that we should be together, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

There is something to be said about “true love” – you know the kind?  Where you just fit together…  right in that ‘crook’ in the neck while lying in bed, or finishing each other’s sentences… knowing what the other will want for dinner (as if instinctively).  And still being able to look at them, through all their faults, with love in your eyes.  When I returned into his life and into his home, I noticed that all the little things I loved, he kept.  All my little collections, the sheets I bought, the salt and pepper shaker collection, my hearts – everything.   As if to say, “if I keep it, she will return.”  I was endeared by the fact that he kept these items, while, at the same time, any other man would have destroyed them.  That was when I started to realize, truly, that he never fell out of love for me.  And,  I guess I never fell out of love for him.  Something my friends noticed, even when I was still stating “we are ONLY friends… Nothing more.”  We went to a memorial for a dear friend of ours and a few weeks had passed before announcing our engagement.  I spoke with a mutual friend who was at this memorial and she told me how she could understand and that she could see it in the way I was looking at him and him at me… It was in our eyes.

And that about sums it up, doesn’t it?  There were plenty of reasons to end the marriage, but all has been corrected with acknowledgement and time; and with that, NOW we can move forward.  Of course there are many who think I’m on some “pity romance” and to them I simply shake my head and state, “you don’t know me and you don’t know us.”  Those are the Haters that say that.  I know our history and know our present.  I’m perfectly clear of what I can expect.  Doug isn’t well, he has had a couple of strokes; that doesn’t make him any less of the man I love.

We go to brunch at this little place (have been since we were first married), there is this other man who hangs out there who had a fancy for me. He seems to enjoy telling me that Doug’s only intention is to take advantage of me… To never work, and states that he has a problem with that and why don’t I?  Doug has worked over fifty years; over fifty years of backbreaking work – working freeway construction and owning a roofing company, which included many years of performing his own “tear-offs” (which are brutal enough without the triple digit heats we have).  I do believe he has more than deserved his retirement and if I can give that to him, damn it I will!

It has been over four years since I’ve left him, and I’m finding myself everyday.  It’s a daily trek for all of us, don’t you think?  But the journey continues on and I continue to learn.  Oh, I’ll still continue writing as I’ll still be Finding Ann MacGregor.  Who knows?  Perhaps F.A.M will even get published.



He’s Just Not That Into You (Wow – Are We Really Back Here Again?!)

TextDumpEver since my classic dumping during Christmas of ’12, I’ve not dated, haven’t even had any interest to date – what, between my moving, my fire, the closing of Kimball’s estate/house (this isn’t enough ‘stuff’ going on?).   But recently, there was some interest.  So a friend of mine gave one of my business cards to this guy we both know… He called the normal “3-days” and said he was going to take that Sunday off, “Great!”  I said, I look forward to it!”  Well, we were to meet before that day on a Tuesday, to which he cancelled the day before – not a good sign in my book…

Still, Sunday should be open, right?  Right.  Then he calls later to tell me that he won’t be taking Sunday off and will call me by Friday to make another date… I hear nothing.  Then I get a text asking if I’m free on Monday, I text back say sure!  He asks for me to call him when I have a chance (uh… excuse me?  You have time to text, but you can’t call?  What is this supposed to tell me?).  Actually, he’s simply not into me… and that’s fine.

Here’s the thing:  I’m beginning to believe that all my mishaps and there have actually been a few others aside from ‘Honey’, are supposed to tell me something – I’m supposed to be alone.  This is it.  I’m going to be one of those crazy old ladies that everyone talks about.  I’ll wear funny looking hats and comfortable shoes (yikes) – and plaster on the weight, let my boobs just hang down and wear big dresses and I might was well start smoking again, drink gin and play mahjong all day…  In this new age of the “internet”, it is simply too easy to be in contact, AND you have that many more options of getting rejected.  You not only have the phone or in person, but you have texts, email, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Gmail, Pinterest (you name it…) – it’s humiliating!

So, I’m just going to stay focused on my businesses (my writing, music and Foundation).  I should be doing that anyway.  I’m not ready for (nor do I


deserve) a break yet, no rest for the wicked.  They say that life happens while you’re busy making plans… perhaps that’s when my love life will pick up?  They always do say when you least expect it… I’ve never been good at the “hunt”.  I don’t remember a time when I ‘hunted’ anyone.  I was always the ‘prey’ – unaware (well, mostly).

I am lonely though and think that I’m just one of those women who are happiest when they’re with a loved one.  When they’ve made a house a home – I remember those early years of our marriage.  I was happy then…

Maybe that’s ‘who I am’… that woman.  Maybe I’m more my mother’s daughter than I ever thought.  She was truly happiest when she was Daddy’s wife and our Mother.  So what does that say about us?  When we are defining ourselves by the definition of the ‘better half’ of someone else?  I mean, I’m still very much devoted to my writing and my singing – the arts.  I’m still very devoted to getting my Foundation off the ground and going.  But, I still feel as though I’m missing a limb.

No, I couldn’t live with my ex and yes, I will always love him; but I still want the life-style (hey, maybe even a better one).  One with intimacy and shared chores and togetherness… I know I once said I settled, but I’m not sure that’s the case.  I do know that I spent almost fifteen years trying to salvage what was going down quickly.  We had great times – all marriages have them – and we had bad times.  But, the bad times were out weighing the good, so much so that I felt suffocated.

FishOutOfWaterDid I do the right thing?  When we leave, and doubt, are we doing the right thing in questioning?  Or am I just glorifying the ‘good times’ and down playing the bad?  I believe that is exactly what I’m doing and need to stop this analysis on my own self esteem.    This is getting boring; I apologize to my continued readers who must be shaking their fists – I’m even bored with it…

It’s normal to question one’s own decisions; but to constantly go back and question – well, that’s – Obsessive!   And I don’t want to be that way.  I want to continue to learn by my decisions of my past and present and roll on life’s highway, with the wind on my face and the sun on my back (I think that’s the way of it…)

Bottom line, I’ve had some wonderful loves in my life, and one of the greatest was for most of my life.  It had to end.  A dear friend of mine said to me that all relationships end.  They all end one of three ways.  Either we end it, they end it or one of us dies.  And neither of us knows ahead of time how that will be.  And that is the truth.  So, honestly, I’m lucky, I’ve had some great love in my life (and still do).  So, stop me when I start whining again, won’t you please?

The Mary Tyler Moore Show was always my favorite growing up – it was about an independent woman who didn’t need a man to make here life complete.  So, again, as a reminder “you’re gonna make it after all!”


Love On The Fast Track (or is it?)

As you know, it has been almost three years since I’ve left my husband

English: Love question

English: Love question (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

and our divorce is almost final.  I know it took a while for me to get used to the idea before filing papers.  So, in the interim, as soon as I’d given up on the idea of ever finding ‘Amore’; BAM!  It hit me like a ROCK!

I’ve fallen folks; hard!  And I know it’s quick, only three weeks; but if it is any consolation, we have known each other for three years and four months.  Honestly, I think there had always been a  connection  (or at least  I could feel it).  Even so, there is simply not much a person can do when they are trying like the devil to work on their own teetering marriage.   Though, at the time I thought mine was pretty solid, only to  soon find out (about 2 months later in fact) about my ex’s drinking and his hiding the alcohol.  Hence my plan to leave.

But even when everything went a rye, it would turn out that we each needed time to heal.  Well, I know I needed time to heal as there were many days where I couldn’t go without crying over my failed marriage (and I was the one who left!).  Also, I think if you hop back into another relationship (right after a failed one), you tend to fall into the same trap that you did before (subconsciously of course).  I know that when I tried dating I found that the first guy was nothing like my ex.  The second was a bit more like him and by the time I got to the fourth; he was the splitting image!  So I ran as far as I could – ran for them thar hills and into hiding (thus, my blog).

And what did I find out about myself the last several months? (Actually, it’s almost two years… Jeese, can’t believe it’s been that long already) Well, I’ve discovered that I was as much responsible for the failure of my marriage as my ex.  OUCH!  Yep, that hurts to admit… But it’s true.  I’ve said this in past posts that I pushed him away by doing for myself.   You see, I was raised by a single mother who did everything, from the gardening to the building of the fences, to the sewing of our clothes, to the cooking of our meals; she did everything by herself (with the help of her little house maids – we kids).  But I wasn’t fortunate enough to witness two parents splitting up the household chores or laying down the expectations each spouse had for the other.  Not to place blame, it’s just that that is a very big role that was missing in my life and was something I didn’t even realize until after all went kaput.

In a way (a very big way) I emasculated my ex-husband to the point of him probably saying “why bother” AND “why bother to even sexually please her?”  I made myself very unavailable.  I know that it sounds like I’m taking on the whole lot of our failed marriage and trust me when I say, I’m not.  But I do have concerns in this new relationship of mine and I don’t wish to continue the trends from the last.

I did learn some good things these last couple of years and the main point being that I do deserve happiness.  I deserve the happiness with a man who adores me, wants to be with me, and thinks of me every morning he wakes up and every night before he goes to sleep.  And I finally found such a man.

Funny thing is that I’ve wanted this for so long.  With this particular individual?  Yes, for the most part, yes.  But to be perfectly honest, I thought there was no hope, no interest; so I had given up.  When the truth is, it just wasn’t our time (funny how the Universe works, isn’t it?).

I can truly, without question say that I LOVE this person; more than I’ve ever loved anyone (this way) ever.  Now, this could be hurtful if my ex ever found out and I would never want that to happen because I did (and do) love him.  But with my ex (and if he really thought about it I do believe he would agree), our love was more like a love between brother and sister, or simply friends as opposed to lovers.  It had gotten so distant, there was no hope.  It was never that ‘I’ll do anything for you’ type of love.  He never treated me in the same fashion,  nor has he ever looked at me in the same way.  It is simply not the same.

So, the question goes out to you.  How soon does one know when they are in Love?  Do you know right away?  Are we just being silly to know this soon?  I don’t know, I just feel as if I know (no question) and that it is comfortable.  For instance, we are great friends and we laugh forever on the phone (and the best way to my heart is through laughter).  He is truly the sweetest man; he is  considerate, loving, thoughtful, attentive to my needs and affections…   I have to say that I knew this was ‘it’ before I knew… (If that makes any sense)

In the past, I would wonder, question, ask the ‘what ifs’ and then wonder, question and ask the ‘what ifs’ some more, until I was exhausted.  But here I just know somehow.  I’m not scared, not thinking about the future, not worrying about the past; I seem to know that all is going to be alright.  And that I’m in love and that for the first time in my life I am following my heart and not what I think someone else wants me to do, act or feel.  And you know something?  It feels so wonderful!

Let Us Live and Love (5)

by Gaius Valerius Catullus
translated by Thomas Campion
My sweetest Lesbia, let us live and love;
And though the sager sort our deeds reprove,
Let us not weigh them. Heaven's great lamps of five
Into their west, and straight again revive;
But, soon as once set is our little light,
Then must we sleep one ever-during night.If all would lead their lives in love like me,
Then bloody swords and armor should not be;
No drum nor trumpet peaceful sleeps should move,
Unless alarm came from camp of love.
But fools do live and waster their little light,
And seek with pain their ever-during night.
When timely death my life and fortune ends,
Let not my hearse be vexed with mourning friends;
But let all lovers rich in triumph come,
And with sweet pastime grace my happy tomb.
And, Lesbia, close up thou my little light,
And crown with love by ever-during night.

Dipped my toes and now I’m ready to dive in… I think.

Blue water. The River Lonan cascading through ...

Image via Wikipedia

My best friend came into town and we had a blast.  When talking I realized how much I miss having someone around.  You know what I mean?  That special someone that you can just chat with about your day, people you meet or see.  I’ve so missed laughing with someone.  She and I found ourselves laughing until we cried (great times!).

So the question is, now what?  I think I’m ready to dive in, but should I wait a bit? Volunteer my time for a local charity perhaps.  Keep myself busy with a class.  I know that my sister could use my help right now.  And I know what you’re thinking, I’m running from possibilities.

No, I’m not.  I’m just trying to give myself the full extent of my time and explore all my options as well as reintroduce myself to Me.  I don’t know that hopping back into the dating pool is the actual answer to my lonesome-ness, but I do think I’m ready to open myself up to the possibility of meeting someone.  Just not necessarily on the internet sites (not just yet… still too creepy).

I do miss having those conversations though, and those flirtations.  Oh, and the sex!  Old B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) tends to grow old after a while… if you know what I mean.  (never said I was bashful…).

So, just what do I do about this situation?  I guess I do what I’ve been doing and that is to just take it one day at a time.  Continue to go inward to find my answers and to find my comfort.  After all, being alone isn’t the issue, being lonely is.  And I’m rarely lonely (if at all).  I think I’ll survive just fine.  I have dipped my toes in, I’m even ready to dive in; but I think I’ll sit, soak up the sun and get nice and hot so that the dunk will be that much more refreshing.  Yea…