Nearing Month Three… Who Is This Lover Man Anyway?

We are nearing month three and Honey and I are still blissfully in LOVE with each other.  This last weekend we were like

Love is in the air ! Literally !! (Photo credit: kalyan02)

two kids at Christmas as we had the house to ourselves for the first time in what has only been three weeks; but honestly it felt as though we’ve not been alone together for months!  You see, my brother moved in with me over Labor Day and, although I enjoy living with him immensely, there is a certain ‘freedom’ Honey and I feel when we are alone in the house, just us two (if you know what I mean?…)  We have been in sheer bliss.

Call it love, lust, hormones (hormones?  Psha!  I think mine sweated out with the last hot-flash);  No, Honey and I are definitely in love.  When Honey pulled up on Friday evening after work, it was all I could do to not wrap myself around him.  So, instead, I ran out to meet him and fell into his arms at which point, for the rest of the weekend, we were virtually inseparable.

This ‘love thing’ is quite the drug, isn’t it?  I’ve been so damn happy, almost in a state of euphoria.  Just the taste of his lips or the smell of his breath or the feeling of his arms around my waist can send me into ecstasy.  I’ve never felt this way, ever.  And you know something?  It’s about time!  Hello!  I finally know what all the hype is about.

This man, this wonderful man tells me daily; no, scratch that… not daily… More like on a moment by moment basis how much he loves me.  Now, if telling me doesn’t get the point across, he shows me.  Through his eyes with each look and in his touch with each embrace.  Not only that; he dotes over me and tells me how beautiful I am.  And if that doesn’t get through my thick skull, he makes sure that I hear it from anyone around us.  For instance, if we are in a restaurant or getting a coffee at the Starbucks, Honey will often ask the person serving us, “doesn’t she look beautiful today?”  To which they reply, “Yes”, with a smile of course (he is cute as a dickens and, besides; what else are they going to say?).   He is just so damn sweet!  Now, not to belittle the point (I don’t want to argue with the man) I’m alright looking, but when I’m with him I feel like a super model; not because he tells me and is quick to tell me that everybody else thinks so too.  It’s the glances we share from across the room or the way he reacts at the sight of me in an outfit he really likes; he makes it a point of letting me know just how beautiful, or how sexy I am in his eyes and there isn’t a day or a night that goes by where he’s not reminding me of that point.  Men, you could take notes from Honey.  This is what women want, more than money, flowers, diamonds (those are all nice, mind you); we want to know, and to see, how you feel about us, what you are thinking about how we look and how we make you feel.

Honey and I spend many a night just lying in each others arms talking; talking about life, our past, our future.  He tells me how much he loves me and how crazy he is for me and I tell him how much I love him (I am just as CRAZY for him).  But it is in those moments, when we are simply talking; it’s then that I drink it in and know this is for real, this is the relationship I’ve been dreaming about.  I can now watch all those romantic comedies knowing that I’ve achieved what they have.  I’m not just watching the protagonist, I AM her!  The one who got her man and living the ‘happily ever after’ life.

Happily ever after is where we are headed; however we both just came out of some rocky times.  Coming from humble beginnings himself, he took me to his hometown and showed me where he grew up.  It was a modest home and the family, the whole family, had to work to earn money to live.  Honey showed his son and me where  he worked with his sisters in the vineyards as a child.  He demonstrated how he and  his sisters would have to prune back and tie the vines (a tough and grueling job, especially for a child so young) and he explained the harvest and the various steps of the picking.  In that moment, as he was telling us of his childhood and as I was learning more of his background, in that moment there

Le raisin est mûr, Bosdarros, Béarn, Pyrénées Atlantiques, France. (Photo credit: byb64)

was a pride and love for him that grew deeper and deeper.  There was a certain pride glowing from his face as I watched him explain every detail to us and while he explained all the little details of the business, the  industry and its people.  He and his family had worked so hard and it was clear to see the fruits of their labors standing before me.  Honey is a man of honor and people flock to him, that is no accident.

He tells me that I make him a better man; but, how can you improve on someone so precious and rare to begin with?   This wonderful man is someone who walks this world with a certain zest for life while carrying with him faithfulness, humor and charm on his daily journey.  And when he laughs, there is a certain gleam in his eye as he smiles.  As I said, every day I see or hear something new about him that draws me in closer and closer.  Be it his humor or his tenderness; I can’t help but to love him with everything I’ve got.

On our first date I told him that the way to my heart was through laughter; to which he admitted to me later that he secretly said to himself, “yes!”  And he’s had my heart ever since, because there hasn’t been a day that has gone by where he hasn’t made me laugh, smile, chuckle or sigh… I can’t think of a better way to spend my life, can you?

I Grieve And Life Goes On (which is how it should be)

The pangs have lessened a bit, but still hit at about four and a half months after my sister’s death.  I know, I’ve been so upbeat; Ann, why the downer?  Well, I don’t think what I’m about to talk about is going to be that much of a downer, just give me a minute.

It is only natural that I will be reminded of Kimball through my days; today, it was something that I pulled out of the pantry that she purchased at the store (I remember, because I was with her when she purchased it).  And, BAM!  The grief flooded; only for a second or two, however, and then it passed.  My Honey was with me the other morning making me breakfast and as I was reflecting, I was thinking of just how proud Kimball would be of me right about now.

She would have liked Honey, his humor and the way I laugh when I’m with him (I literally am in a belly laugh for the better part of our visits, he is that funny…) and she always did say how much my laughter was contagious.  She would have loved his honesty; which by the way, is something she would have known just by looking at him.  It’s not something you fake; though many have tried.  No, to wear it and wear it with integrity, you truly must live it, every day.  And, Honey does.

She would be elated in the fact that I’ve finally moved on and am not living in the past of ‘what ifs’ and am instead living in the promise of what each day brings; that being that the sun will rise in the east and set in the west and that everything that falls in between is up to me, one moment at a time.  There was a quote I saw recently, “I don’t know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.”- Bill Cosby – and I think I’m finally getting it.  Kimball would be proud of my accomplishment in this area as she too had difficulty with the pressure of trying to please everyone, while forgetting the one important person – herself.

It really is a ‘balancing act’ that one must do (or is it?).  I guess, when you think of it, it isn’t.  If all you are doing is living an authentic life and being true to ‘who you really are’; true, many might view you as selfish, but in reality you are taking care of your needs so that you can better take care of the needs of those you love.  What is it they instruct us to do before every flight when it comes to the ‘cabin pressure’?  “Place your mask on you first before attending to your loved one.”  You need to be whole and healthy before you can fully love and care for those around you.

I’m sitting here, sipping my Starbucks coffee and realized, without

I had Starbucks coffee on a Friday night (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

thinking about it this morning, I got two (2) Old Fashioned donuts instead of one.  I used to bring home an extra for Kimball.  Hmm, old habits truly do die hard.  But today, I grieve a little less – still grieving but more pondering; going over past photos and memories.  I do do things these days with that extra ‘pep’ in my step and  I would love to say that this all is due to Honey; however my happiness is not due to any one person.  It is solely up to me and I have gone through some pain staking work to get here.  (Though Honey does have a lot to do with it… just saying).

Elizabeth was out this last weekend and we went through yet some more closets in this big house of Kimball’s.  So many things to organize and so many memories (perhaps this is why I’m going down my Memory Lane).  Elizabeth is (I believe I’ve stated this before) the epitome of organization.  She gets up like clockwork and with the chickens – if we had chickens and a rooster, I believe she would be the one crowing them awake every morning.

Thursday evening when she came in, I was met with a much softer side of her, only to have it harden a bit come Friday morning.  But, I’ve learned to not take this personal (as I would have in the past) as this is just her way.  She is a woman of business and just finds that she must get through it; plow through it if she must (glad someone can… I’m completely opposite – if only some of her would wear off onto me).

Saturday we saw a close friend of ours (like family), who is currently in a treatment facility and doing very well.  I was quite concerned with how Elizabeth would handle this.  She has yet to go to an Allanon meeting or a ‘recovery’ type… ANYTHING.  So, I was curious how this would be taken by her.  We went early for the family meeting, which was laid out much like an Allanon meeting would be, where we sat in a circle and we could share our concerns, etc… Of course Elizabeth shared nothing.

I had hoped she would have shared her feelings, her concerns after our friend’s return.  She did not and I shouldn’t be surprised.  So, I chimed in with my questions to which, I got the typical ‘clinical’ answers… Not what I wanted, but it is what it is.  All I know is that I am so tired (exhausted in fact) and that the road ahead is going to be long and arduous; not necessarily  looking forward to it.  I know that this is the wrong way of looking at it and that our friend need us (me); I simply can’t help how I feel at this point of my life.  I’ve been through it for way too long; first my husband (several rounds with that and now several rounds with this person)  I’m working on it, one day at a time.  But, I’m getting way ahead of myself here.

By the end of the day on Saturday as Elizabeth and I were driving home, I brought up one of the other families and how my heart went out to them; because I was there, in their place at one time.  I was in that woman’s shoes; feeling those feelings of guilt and worry and asking the questions of “how did we get here, I don’t get it?”  Or, “why does he do this to himself when he knows what it’s doing…”  I could see the pain in her eyes as she brought up the fact that her son was not only an “addicted” but a heroin addict and how humiliating that was.  She kept asking the question, what could they have done?  And why didn’t they see it?

First off, addiction is addiction and everyone feels, or has felt the affliction of the stereo-type by being affiliated with an addict.  Then the horrible questions and the rounds of debates we have with ourselves.  When the bottom line is, there is nothing we could have done differently.  Denial is a wonderful place to be, and there is a reason for it; it protects us, for a time.  Then there is a time when we must wake up.  It is what it is.  They chose we didn’t; we can only move on from here.

Somehow, I think that might have helped her, but I don’t think anything anyone says will be of any help, for the time being anyway, until she is ready and willing and able to allow it in.  But back to Elizabeth and me in the car on the way home; as I mentioned that couple, especially the mom, Elizabeth immediately turns to me and states something to the effect of, “I hope she realizes that she should never have given her son any pain pills.”  To which I was a bit stunned.  I mean, this woman was already crucifying herself enough; there was no need to bring up the obvious.  We were merely talking about things like dealing with ‘enabling’ and ‘co-dependence’, things Elizabeth should be reading about and learning about, but for whatever reason is resistant to.

I realized at that moment that she just doesn’t get it – and would probably never get it.  AND that our friend’s recovery and support would be up to him and me (I am his sole family support system, for now anyway).  Elizabeth, though I love her dearly, just doesn’t seem to want to climb out of her Ivory Tower long enough to splash in the mud and let her feelings out like the rest of us.  And that is very sad.  As I watched her on that day, with everyone spilling their guts, she was like a Scientist watching everyone through a microscope.  Not getting involved, but staying very distant and erect in her chair.

I wanted to ask, “What are you so afraid of?”  “What part of You do you have buried so deep inside that ‘reserved’ side of you that you are so afraid of letting out?”  Nobody can possibly be so shut off!  But she is, and I find it very sad in deed.  Because, you see, Life is messy and so are the feelings we acquire as we live it.  No one can journey through this thing called life without the mistakes or regrets and ALL the feelings that go along with them.  And when you keep everything all  bottled up tightly inside?  Well that has got to be a terribly heavy  load to carry around.

Anyway, by Saturday night Honey came by and met Elizabeth for the first time.  I think she likes him (who wouldn’t?).  He brought in his overnight bag; I told him where my room was.  And as I thought about it, the old me was scampering to somehow try to explain myself, or ask permission, or [fill in the blank].  But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how silly that was.

I am a middle-aged woman [yep, older than dirt!].  I’ve been in a marriage (Elizabeth hasn’t) for over 20 years (not exactly a virgin) and I don’t think I need to explain myself to ANYONE, thank you!  It felt so liberating!  So wonderful!  So, Honey and I went off on our date after talking and joking with Elizabeth, who took our picture at Honey’s request (he is big on pictures… so cute).

I do still get those pangs of grief and they sting (a bit), but I am reminded that this life is for the living.  The memories of Kimball are for me to learn from (both the good and the bad).  And I’ve made it my mission to do just that.  I do believe my relationship with Honey has her fingerprints all over it, however; and that she is smiling and giggling as he and I scratch our heads in wonder of how this wonderful thing ever happened to two people like us.  Are we just lucky?  Or did we have a little tug or shove from that celestial special someone?   Either way, for now, I can think of her and hear her giggles and smile and simply thank God for my place in the grand scheme of things.

Related articles

• When You Lose a Loved One. (emilystroia.wordpress.com)

Love On The Fast Track (or is it?)

As you know, it has been almost three years since I’ve left my husband

English: Love question (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

and our divorce is almost final.  I know it took a while for me to get used to the idea before filing papers.  So, in the interim, as soon as I’d given up on the idea of ever finding ‘Amore’; BAM!  It hit me like a ROCK!

I’ve fallen folks; hard!  And I know it’s quick, only three weeks; but if it is any consolation, we have known each other for three years and four months.  Honestly, I think there had always been a  connection  (or at least  I could feel it).  Even so, there is simply not much a person can do when they are trying like the devil to work on their own teetering marriage.   Though, at the time I thought mine was pretty solid, only to  soon find out (about 2 months later in fact) about my ex’s drinking and his hiding the alcohol.  Hence my plan to leave.

But even when everything went a rye, it would turn out that we each needed time to heal.  Well, I know I needed time to heal as there were many days where I couldn’t go without crying over my failed marriage (and I was the one who left!).  Also, I think if you hop back into another relationship (right after a failed one), you tend to fall into the same trap that you did before (subconsciously of course).  I know that when I tried dating I found that the first guy was nothing like my ex.  The second was a bit more like him and by the time I got to the fourth; he was the splitting image!  So I ran as far as I could – ran for them thar hills and into hiding (thus, my blog).

And what did I find out about myself the last several months? (Actually, it’s almost two years… Jeese, can’t believe it’s been that long already) Well, I’ve discovered that I was as much responsible for the failure of my marriage as my ex.  OUCH!  Yep, that hurts to admit… But it’s true.  I’ve said this in past posts that I pushed him away by doing for myself.   You see, I was raised by a single mother who did everything, from the gardening to the building of the fences, to the sewing of our clothes, to the cooking of our meals; she did everything by herself (with the help of her little house maids – we kids).  But I wasn’t fortunate enough to witness two parents splitting up the household chores or laying down the expectations each spouse had for the other.  Not to place blame, it’s just that that is a very big role that was missing in my life and was something I didn’t even realize until after all went kaput.

In a way (a very big way) I emasculated my ex-husband to the point of him probably saying “why bother” AND “why bother to even sexually please her?”  I made myself very unavailable.  I know that it sounds like I’m taking on the whole lot of our failed marriage and trust me when I say, I’m not.  But I do have concerns in this new relationship of mine and I don’t wish to continue the trends from the last.

I did learn some good things these last couple of years and the main point being that I do deserve happiness.  I deserve the happiness with a man who adores me, wants to be with me, and thinks of me every morning he wakes up and every night before he goes to sleep.  And I finally found such a man.

Funny thing is that I’ve wanted this for so long.  With this particular individual?  Yes, for the most part, yes.  But to be perfectly honest, I thought there was no hope, no interest; so I had given up.  When the truth is, it just wasn’t our time (funny how the Universe works, isn’t it?).

I can truly, without question say that I LOVE this person; more than I’ve ever loved anyone (this way) ever.  Now, this could be hurtful if my ex ever found out and I would never want that to happen because I did (and do) love him.  But with my ex (and if he really thought about it I do believe he would agree), our love was more like a love between brother and sister, or simply friends as opposed to lovers.  It had gotten so distant, there was no hope.  It was never that ‘I’ll do anything for you’ type of love.  He never treated me in the same fashion,  nor has he ever looked at me in the same way.  It is simply not the same.

So, the question goes out to you.  How soon does one know when they are in Love?  Do you know right away?  Are we just being silly to know this soon?  I don’t know, I just feel as if I know (no question) and that it is comfortable.  For instance, we are great friends and we laugh forever on the phone (and the best way to my heart is through laughter).  He is truly the sweetest man; he is  considerate, loving, thoughtful, attentive to my needs and affections…   I have to say that I knew this was ‘it’ before I knew… (If that makes any sense)

In the past, I would wonder, question, ask the ‘what ifs’ and then wonder, question and ask the ‘what ifs’ some more, until I was exhausted.  But here I just know somehow.  I’m not scared, not thinking about the future, not worrying about the past; I seem to know that all is going to be alright.  And that I’m in love and that for the first time in my life I am following my heart and not what I think someone else wants me to do, act or feel.  And you know something?  It feels so wonderful!

Let Us Live and Love (5)
by Gaius Valerius Catullus translated by Thomas Campion
My sweetest Lesbia, let us live and love; And though the sager sort our deeds reprove, Let us not weigh them. Heaven's great lamps of five Into their west, and straight again revive; But, soon as once set is our little light, Then must we sleep one ever-during night.If all would lead their lives in love like me, Then bloody swords and armor should not be; No drum nor trumpet peaceful sleeps should move, Unless alarm came from camp of love. But fools do live and waster their little light, And seek with pain their ever-during night. When timely death my life and fortune ends, Let not my hearse be vexed with mourning friends; But let all lovers rich in triumph come, And with sweet pastime grace my happy tomb. And, Lesbia, close up thou my little light, And crown with love by ever-during night.