Three’s Company (or is it?)


LovetriangleIt is October and there is finally a sense of Fall in the air (I actually turned off the AC…); so sorry, I haven’t written since July!  My apologies.  Life has been wonderful and full!  My grief has lessened to the point I’m smiling, happy and have that wonderful, peppy, bounce back in my step.  Even so, however I’ve found myself in a precarious place.  Just a few months ago (you might remember) I was asking myself the question “did I make the correct decision of divorcing my husband Douglas?”  I so longed for that man who I dated for over a year, that man who was so genuinely kind and loved to cook.  Was a champion fisherman and abalone diver.  There were so many things I LOVED about that man; so many things that I wonder, what happened?  What happened in our marriage that made me, this woman, his wife, say “enough!”

I ask this because life has brought me back to this same man.  Well, not the same man; an older man (as I’m an older woman).  We are not those same two youngsters saying their vows in the Spring of 1988.  We have had over 20 years of life, of hurt, of arguments, of heart-ache, of LOVE.  Yes; I said it… LOVE.  There were many times that I should have said “adios!”  But I couldn’t.  By the act of simply kissing his lips, I knew I loved  him and that everything was going to be ok.

My problem is that now that we have been divorced I thought we could make a go of it.  And I’ve found – You can’t go back.  People rarely are NOT  what they tell you they are.  In LoveTrangleother words… the ARE who THEY SHOW YOU THEY ARE!!!  Basically, in a nutshell, he’s not going to change.  Actually, I’m not going to change (not with him and not in the same scenario).  So, I choose to change my life.  I choose to NOT marry him.  I choose to live my life the way I WANT to live it.  Not sure exactly how that is; but at least I’m going to be the captain of my destiny.

Now the plot thickens as I’ve met this other chap… I like him… I like him a lot!  And, he likes me… ooh the problematic “Love Triangle”; or is it?  Problem is he is a friend of my ex.  So, I’m in a pickle.  Other problem?  He might have found out just how dumb I really am (that or how dull I really am).  He’s very worldly – I’m not.  I’m still learning so many wonderful things.  My biggest fear is that people realize just how stupid I truly am.  Originally he was very boisterous, “can’t wait to hear from you”, “count down to see you”, “what about a rendezvous”  and all that… Now, he’s been very distant, very proper… so, he might be gone and  there may not be anything to worry about.  Oh, well… as my dear friends tell me, should that be the case, then he/they just don’t know what they got.  Ah… I guess that’s true.  Perhaps I should tell the voices in my head to go to the Devil and hush!

Really, why do we waste our time worrying about such nonsense still?  It’s truly nothing but a huge pain in the Puss!  I’m done… for now…  My question:  Should I be?  What do you think?

 

 

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Birthdays – Old Friendships (keep or go)


There always comes a time when we have those mile stones (birthdays, for example) when we realize how important we are to the individuals around us. PinkyswearPeople come in and out of our lives as if in a rotating door.  Some friendships are for a lifetime, while others are with us for  a  season or two, most certainly, if for no other reason than a very important lesson.  I often think of these relationships and compare them to that of the gardener and the spectator.  Some friends, like the gardener, are nurturing,  giving back to the tillage with care and nutrition, while other’s simply stand by as the ‘on-looker’.  Almost as if merely putting on a facade, giving the ‘talk’ of tilling their fields, but never truly working it with the care it needs.  This is true with the our varying friendships.  There is this one particular friendship that I’ve held on to for so long, and I find myself forced to ask the question of keeping this friendship or letting it go.  It pains me to be at this point  (most likely why I’ve held on so long); but the fact I’m faced with is that I’ve wanted this friendship far more than she has.

I can’t say that any of this has come to me as a huge surprise.  It has dwindled over the last few years; but I did do the final ‘letter’ and she and I have been in contact.  With her reply, I can now assume that there is something in her that is saying that she does want the friendship.  Now, in her defense, she has had quite a bit of life hitting her in the face.  Is this an excuse?  Well, quite frankly, yes.  Friendship is understanding that we all go through trials in our lives and not all of us handle those trials the same way.  When something goes wrong in my life, I would have been on the phone to her first thing.  But my friend isn’t that same type of person.  No.  She is a person who prefers to keep her troubles close to her vest.  She would rather let on that all is fine with the world while all around her is going hay wire.  I happen to admire this personality type.  Not to say that I don’t admire my own, I just think that we all have ways of dealing with our own troubles and should not be judged by how we handle them or our friendships and how we reach out.  I’ve been guilty of that – judging – and am ashamed of myself.  It’s a fault I continue to work on.

change-coming

With this birthday, it is not only my friends faces that I see changing; I’m faced with yet another (or different) life changing moment – moving.  Yes, that wonderful task packing one’s things and driving or flying off to new cities, neighborhoods and possibly a new state altogether (maybe I’ll move out of the country – could happen).  At this time, however I realize just how much I will miss the friendships I’ve made.  But I must come to face the fact that these aren’t necessarily friends that I ‘hang’ with on a daily (or even weekly) basis.  Living alone makes you realize, “If I died in my bathroom shower, would I be missed?  Would I be one of those many cases, like my Uncle, who are found only after a couple of weeks?”  It can be an awful feeling to not have those daily phone calls, or contacts.

I realize that by my being such a recluse I’ve made my bed and must lie in it (as it were); but I don’t want to be one of those who stay as a shut in either.  Making new friends has always been difficult for me.  I know, it takes great effort; but, it is a character flaw of mine that I do intend to nip in the bud.  I’ve been through so many changes these past few years (especially these last two), that goes without saying; but somewhere along the line I must think about what is important to me and not worry so much about the ‘what ifs’ about the future.  It could very well be the one thing that takes me to a whole other level – a new level – allowing me to truly live my authentic self.

More and more, I’m finding that many of my friends have been (or are) fair weather friends.  They are there to say hi, answer the phone when you call; while the true blue friend that will believe in ME, regardless of the rumors that might roam around are very few.  I’ve further realize that this happens to be truer for most than not, so it is nice to know that I’m not alone in that at least.  With all the changing going on in my life, I’ve lost a few friends (no explanation, no word just “poof” gone).   I’m not sure if this “Internet” stage of our society is such a great idea.  It allows people to hide behind their Smartphones and their computers/tablets.  We’ve somehow lost (or drained) our “Heart Chakra”; so much to the point, we no longer ‘talk’ to each other.   We dismiss friendships as if they grow on trees and are so quick to judge as opposed to stand by a person; talking things out and making amends.  This has been possibly the hardest part of life for me to come to grips with.  That not everyone is ‘true-blue’ and most will believe just about any type of slimy gossip that makes its way into their ear.  There is nothing I can do about that, all I can do is accept it and I believe I have.

Changes are definitely in my future – the move for one – just where is not yet confirmed.  This move is my choice as the area I live in is far too expensive and crowded for my taste.  I long for a simpler life and would love nothing better than to live in the country.  As for the fickleness of some of my friends, I’ve come to that ‘grown-up’ realization that that too is “LIFE” and all we can do is live our life with integrity and with the knowledge that we are doing the best we can.  Nobody knows what a person is going through in this life unless they’ve walked a mile (heck even a block) in their shoes.  It matters not what I do, how I look; people will come up with their own perspective and judgement.  I can only hope that if they are my dear friends, they will stand by me.

Life is but a dream, and mine is coming true… finally… (whew!)

Dating – How Thos Skelton’s of Our Past Can Still Hurt


WhyRMenLessAffectedByBreadkupsDating… it’s one of those funny things.  I’ve never, ever had an issue with getting back on the horse and riding off into the wild blue yonder.   But, since my encounter with Honey (y’all remember him?), I’m not sure if I’m suffering from broken heart syndrome, or just plain don’t trust men; but I’m really, truly unwary.

I’ve got a date coming up with a really nice guy (REALLY nice guy – cute as a bug), and I’m afraid of spoiling it.  I’m nervous.  What if I did something in the last relationship, I mean, let’s face it, we all have our part.  So how does one get over their past and stop with the questions so that they can move forward to their futures?  How can we throw out the skeletons?

This will have been the first date I’ve had since Honey and though I’m excited, I’m fearful, nervous.   What if something is truly wrong with me?  What if I’m just not the ‘loveable’ type?  What if I’m too demanding?  What if I’m just insane – like he insinuate…  [sigh].  There were so many unresolved issues, and perhaps he’s right and I should just save the men of the world and stay alone the rest of my natural life.

I found one man who was willing to put up with my craziness, for over twenty years!  Only problem, he was an alcoholic…  (so what is that supposed to tell me?)  One thing, he still loves me and I him; we just can’t live together.  He’s not going around telling everyone (including me) that I’m a nutcase and that the end of our relationship was all my fault.

So, who and what am I to believe?  The ex-husband of over twenty years or the ex-boyfriend of six months?  Who, when we met seemed so fun, funny, caring.  Had the image of the good father, the protector.  So much changed in that time.  This was the man who told me he would love me forever and take care of me.  He would never let anyone hurt me.  But he did and it was him.

I think what stings about this is that I did have a man who did love me, who showed me that his word was his bond (well, most of the time… when he wasn’t drinking).  But, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved me and would never let anyone talk against me; he would defend me to the end.  And I’m just wondering, will I ever find that again?  Am I asking for too much?

I see couples all around me, some are obviously wrong for each other, while others clearly show that connectivity.  That ‘spark’, that ‘something’ that tells the on-looker, “those two are in love.”  I used to have that and thought I had that with Honey, but came to find out through my friends that they weren’t too sure about him – really?  Now you tell me!

So how do we get past the past hurts of our past loves?  I’ve been so out of the game it’s scary.  I’ve been hurt before, but not like this.  I truly feel that this was my fault.  How do I change something I have no idea of how to change?  There was no closure… come to think of it, I’m not sure I want to know – could be too hurtful and I might be scarred for life (what life I have left).

I’d like to hear from you, what are your dating scares… hurts and how did you get past those?  How did you finally throw out those skeletons?

I will go on my date and hope for the best.  My ‘Mr. Right’ is out there.  I was once told that talking bad about you is what ‘exes’ do… it’s in the make-up.  I must say, I haven’t necessarily been the kindest.  But I did have a wonderful marriage and divorce… both ended with class and my ex-husband and I still talk and are very civil with each other – we love each other.  He’s been in my life for about half of my life, has been a part of my family – knows I’m nutty and I guess that is what drew him too me.  Used to say was what he loved about me.  So, I guess I should take it from someone who knew me best and chuck what was said by the person who knew me least?  Life goes on… I think it’s time for some horse riding.

WomanHorsebackRiding

I’d love to hear from you and your thoughts on the subject…

Finding Ann – the Journey Continues and Continues


Growing up as little girls, we are taught that the ultimate goal in life is to live ‘happily ever after’; to meet Prince Charming… Andlove-at-first-sight that, in order to do this, we will need to go through a sequence of rituals that have one ultimate goal in mind – to win the BEST PRINCE on the planet. And to live “Happily Ever After.”

Now these rituals start off with the grooming of ourselves to the point of sloughing off dead skin cells and manicuring our toes/feet and finger nails… Waxing has been added to the mix, of which is to include the eye-brows, our upper and lower lips, our chins, our jaw lines (if necessary) and, the ultimate of waxing – the bikini! This procedure (if you can call it that), has hit the all-time high in the ‘list’ of rituals when it comes to pain (in my book)… And we do this, why again? Oh! To get that Prince Charming… to live ‘Happily Ever After’… (I forgot…)

In the beginning of this blog, back in 2010 – God, I can’t believe it’s been almost three years! – I started writing in my attempt to find my best friend (myself)… in these last three years, I’ve gone through quite a journey. Divorce, Death and Desertion is what they say are the key ingredients to a women’s resurgence. And the ‘Death’ of my marriage, followed by my ‘Divorce’ caused me to go through an incredible rebirth.

So much so, that I’m at a place in my life where (and believe me when I say that this was NEVER something I EVER thought would come out of my head) I truly don’t have a desire for a romantic relationship. I’m very pleased and happy to be on this journey in a relationship with myself. I have my friendships and, for now, they are very fulfilling to me. I can run to the restaurant with my girlfriends, catch a meal and not worry about the ‘after-meal’… worry about the ego, worry about any of that stuff you worry about on dates or in romantic relationships. I can just be ‘me’… the woman who has an opinion, who loves to laugh – out loud (really loud, sometimes) and who just loves to whoop it up.

SelfReflection
Before you get all ‘hater’ on me and start sending those emails… I LOVE men… I truly do. I’m just going through a little ‘self-discovery’ period right now. And this period will last, how long? I truly don’t know. But, it is a necessary part of my journey. One that I’ve not really allowed myself to fully be on. I’ve really not allowed myself to just ‘be’ and trust myself and be with myself. For the first time I’m alone. No family nearby and only the love of good friends to hold on to. I’ll need to learn to ask for help when it’s needed. And I’ll need to reach out more. This is the time for me to do the ‘reaching’ because this was something that I did fail in in my relationship with both my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend (Honey, you remember him? I really didn’t do right by him on a certain level… must learn to curb that).

If I’m to be whole again, I need to learn that, not only can I stand on my own two feet (once and for all); but that it isn’t those of whom I depend that will let me down, it’s that I’m afraid I will let myself down. (Ah! Yes… makes a difference, doesn’t it?) I’ve let myself down so many times with not following through on my own dreams, and my own goals. I’ve led a life that I’ve despised in others; whereby, I’ve blamed others for my disappointments.

This is a tough thing to swallow (truth always is), but it must be faced if we are to move forward and make the necessary changes to improve our paths in life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not beating myself down (or up), I’m merely facing some hard-core facts about myself that I’ve not truly written in stone before. And it has been proven in these last three years that it is very therapeutic for me to put my feelings in writing… As I’ve made quite a bit of progress along the way. And it is always my intention that others might read and learn from my bloody knees… or at the very least, know that they aren’t alone and that there is still hope.

Life is always full of learning; I’m grateful to be of a mind that I can look – I’ll be it, critically – and learn from the mistakes of my past. I can only hope that I can move forward with the knowledge I’ve gained and not be doomed to repeat it.

I found the following passage and thought it appropriate – for the most part. It spoke to me.
“There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without pre-established harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise shall give hint no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

In closing, will I find “love” again? I really don’t know if it’s in the cards (only the Universe truly knows that answer). I only know that there is a time and place for everything… My time will come – then again, maybe not. I must live authentically, and be true to Me. We all must learn to be true to ourselves, live to our potentials and beyond and take the celebrations when the opportunity presents itself. Life is not just a dream, those dreams do come true – once we apply ourselves and realize that we can, after our follow-through, depend on ourselves.

SelfSerenity

Love On The Fast Track (or is it?)


As you know, it has been almost three years since I’ve left my husband

English: Love question

English: Love question (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

and our divorce is almost final.  I know it took a while for me to get used to the idea before filing papers.  So, in the interim, as soon as I’d given up on the idea of ever finding ‘Amore’; BAM!  It hit me like a ROCK!

I’ve fallen folks; hard!  And I know it’s quick, only three weeks; but if it is any consolation, we have known each other for three years and four months.  Honestly, I think there had always been a  connection  (or at least  I could feel it).  Even so, there is simply not much a person can do when they are trying like the devil to work on their own teetering marriage.   Though, at the time I thought mine was pretty solid, only to  soon find out (about 2 months later in fact) about my ex’s drinking and his hiding the alcohol.  Hence my plan to leave.

But even when everything went a rye, it would turn out that we each needed time to heal.  Well, I know I needed time to heal as there were many days where I couldn’t go without crying over my failed marriage (and I was the one who left!).  Also, I think if you hop back into another relationship (right after a failed one), you tend to fall into the same trap that you did before (subconsciously of course).  I know that when I tried dating I found that the first guy was nothing like my ex.  The second was a bit more like him and by the time I got to the fourth; he was the splitting image!  So I ran as far as I could – ran for them thar hills and into hiding (thus, my blog).

And what did I find out about myself the last several months? (Actually, it’s almost two years… Jeese, can’t believe it’s been that long already) Well, I’ve discovered that I was as much responsible for the failure of my marriage as my ex.  OUCH!  Yep, that hurts to admit… But it’s true.  I’ve said this in past posts that I pushed him away by doing for myself.   You see, I was raised by a single mother who did everything, from the gardening to the building of the fences, to the sewing of our clothes, to the cooking of our meals; she did everything by herself (with the help of her little house maids – we kids).  But I wasn’t fortunate enough to witness two parents splitting up the household chores or laying down the expectations each spouse had for the other.  Not to place blame, it’s just that that is a very big role that was missing in my life and was something I didn’t even realize until after all went kaput.

In a way (a very big way) I emasculated my ex-husband to the point of him probably saying “why bother” AND “why bother to even sexually please her?”  I made myself very unavailable.  I know that it sounds like I’m taking on the whole lot of our failed marriage and trust me when I say, I’m not.  But I do have concerns in this new relationship of mine and I don’t wish to continue the trends from the last.

I did learn some good things these last couple of years and the main point being that I do deserve happiness.  I deserve the happiness with a man who adores me, wants to be with me, and thinks of me every morning he wakes up and every night before he goes to sleep.  And I finally found such a man.

Funny thing is that I’ve wanted this for so long.  With this particular individual?  Yes, for the most part, yes.  But to be perfectly honest, I thought there was no hope, no interest; so I had given up.  When the truth is, it just wasn’t our time (funny how the Universe works, isn’t it?).

I can truly, without question say that I LOVE this person; more than I’ve ever loved anyone (this way) ever.  Now, this could be hurtful if my ex ever found out and I would never want that to happen because I did (and do) love him.  But with my ex (and if he really thought about it I do believe he would agree), our love was more like a love between brother and sister, or simply friends as opposed to lovers.  It had gotten so distant, there was no hope.  It was never that ‘I’ll do anything for you’ type of love.  He never treated me in the same fashion,  nor has he ever looked at me in the same way.  It is simply not the same.

So, the question goes out to you.  How soon does one know when they are in Love?  Do you know right away?  Are we just being silly to know this soon?  I don’t know, I just feel as if I know (no question) and that it is comfortable.  For instance, we are great friends and we laugh forever on the phone (and the best way to my heart is through laughter).  He is truly the sweetest man; he is  considerate, loving, thoughtful, attentive to my needs and affections…   I have to say that I knew this was ‘it’ before I knew… (If that makes any sense)

In the past, I would wonder, question, ask the ‘what ifs’ and then wonder, question and ask the ‘what ifs’ some more, until I was exhausted.  But here I just know somehow.  I’m not scared, not thinking about the future, not worrying about the past; I seem to know that all is going to be alright.  And that I’m in love and that for the first time in my life I am following my heart and not what I think someone else wants me to do, act or feel.  And you know something?  It feels so wonderful!

Let Us Live and Love (5)

by Gaius Valerius Catullus
translated by Thomas Campion
My sweetest Lesbia, let us live and love;
And though the sager sort our deeds reprove,
Let us not weigh them. Heaven's great lamps of five
Into their west, and straight again revive;
But, soon as once set is our little light,
Then must we sleep one ever-during night.If all would lead their lives in love like me,
Then bloody swords and armor should not be;
No drum nor trumpet peaceful sleeps should move,
Unless alarm came from camp of love.
But fools do live and waster their little light,
And seek with pain their ever-during night.
When timely death my life and fortune ends,
Let not my hearse be vexed with mourning friends;
But let all lovers rich in triumph come,
And with sweet pastime grace my happy tomb.
And, Lesbia, close up thou my little light,
And crown with love by ever-during night.

Me, Myself and I… Sometimes They Are The Only “Homies” I Like To Hang With (and that’s ok…)


I’ve taken a few days to spend with a best friend of mine and we have been just having a blast!  She has taken me all over, I mean ALL over.  I truly am grateful for the experience and seeing the sites (not to mention the luxury of having her cabin to stay at while we are enjoying  the mountains… oo la la! Sweet!).  There was a party planned today by a friend of her’s brother at the next lake over and I just wasn’t feeling it.

Her friends met us last night at my girlfriends cabin and, while we had a great time, I couldn’t shake the feeling ‘another party? Oy veh!’  What can I say, there are some days where just hanging with myself is just what the doctor ordered.  The old me would have sucked it up and gone, albeit begrudgingly… But now, I’m more into doing what I want to do, what makes me happy.  True, within reason (I’m not totally selfish).  But there comes a time when I have to decide “whose vacation is this anyway?”  So I decided to speak up.  My girlfriend totally understood.  However, when I mentioned this to her friends, they looked shocked and as though I turned a few shades of green.  I tried to reassure them that all was fine… I’m an introvert, what can I say?  (we creative geniuses are often like that… lol).

But alas, I was able to convince them to go on without me, enjoy the party and that I would be happy as a clam, staying back, writing or reading (yippee).  Sometimes you just need a little ‘alone’ time, don’t you find?  Well, I do.  So as soon as they left I high-tailed it to the nearest Starbucks and got my quad-shot, non-fat latte (with 3 sweet n lows) sat down and tuned into their wi-fi (woo hoo!  I am a happy camper).

Now, for my trip; the trip started with a hike up to some falls that are near my friend’s house.  First of all it was 95 degrees and second, I haven’t hiked in years (just setting the stage).  But my girlfriend is totally in shape… she does all the Zumba classes… she snow boards… she lifts weights… does yoga.  She quit smoking about 13 years ago and decided that she would train for the triathlon ever since (not really but the way she runs around… one would think… she is remarkable!).  So, we start, I’m keeping up and all is right, we have our ‘camel-backs’ on filled with water.

We get half way up, I’m dying.  We stop while I get my wind.  I suck on some more water, we start back up.  The path is getting steeper and steeper, and the sun is hotter and hotter; we come to a place where I am about to lose my ‘water’ on myself [I’ll let you use your imagination].  I truly feel as though I’m blacking out or having a stroke and all I can think is “perfect, I meet the perfect man of my dreams and NOW I die?  I can’t do this NOW!”  So I sit, take in some water, eat a power bar and another hiker tells us that the falls are literally just around the next bend a few feet away.  I push and make it, they are beautiful.

Our next adventure was in the desert – Palm Springs – we got there and had dinner and stayed with a friend.  This friend I hadn’t seen in quite some time, so it was great to see her.  The next morning we got dressed and set out to get some breakfast.  By the time we got to the restaurant, I ended up with blisters on my feet (ouch!).  So my girlfriend had to walk to the drugstore across the street from the restaurant to get some flip-flops for me (what a dear… a true bff); I felt like such a freak!  Anyway, we made it back and went swimming and then onto downtown for a street fair, walking in the cool of the evening in about 95 degrees (114 degrees during the day).

So, by the time we made it to the mountains to her cabin, between the heat and the walking, I just couldn’t go to a party.  I needed my ‘me’ time.  So glad I spoke up for myself.  Sometimes that is what you need to do, take the risk.

The Evolution of Ann MacGregor


Evolution: as defined in the dictionary “A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form.” (well one of  four definitions… this was just the more suitable).  I started this blog as a way of finding myself, finding what made me ‘tick’ (as it were) and why I made the choices that led me down the path to the end of my 20+ year marriage.

As many of you might remember, there was quite a bit of mourning going on back in 2010; many tears as I grappled through the memories of my marriage and my life.  Then there were the challenges of my day-to-day life and so on and so forth.  But recent events have made me realize I’ve come a long way baby (as the slogan goes) and it leaves me with such a bounce in my step.

There were some events over the past couple of days that caused me to pause and to think over the events of my life these past  couple of years.  And I’ve had quite an evolution!  I’m quite impressed!  I’ve had to ask myself, could it be that I’m coming into my own?  Could it be that I truly am becoming the woman I want to be?

I still have NO clue about what I wish to do with myself ‘career-wise’; but I know that I’m getting there.  I feel as if I’m healing.  To clue you in; yesterday, I was to go on a date with a gentleman that I met a couple of weeks ago.  He seemed very nice, was very gallant and didn’t press for ‘home base’ or even ‘second-base’ (if you know what I mean?).  He was a bit over bearing and self-absorbed.  He was also a tad too fast, in that, he felt “he and I belonged together.”

Now many of you might ask, “Ann what is so wrong with that; don’t you want to be swept off your feet?”  To which I would reply, “we’ve only known each other a couple of days and he’s talking marriage?!”  (a wee bit fast and freaky…).  Anyway, we get to “the date” and are to meet at the restaurant; he’s more than two hours late…  now he works in the limo and party bus business so I was very understanding (plus I met a wonderful woman and we hit it off right away… huge plus!).  But, my gut kept telling me something.

Anyway, things seemed to be going well; then he started talking about ‘us’ and his plans for ‘us’ and he was talking as if I was some sort of conquest.  This didn’t sit well with me… I started to freak out a little… and as I was trying to make my point, he, in turn,  turned it back on me; making it sound as if I was over reacting (very condescending).  Was I?  When is it too soon?

Now, as you know I just wrote about ‘Love at First Sight’ and wonder if there truly is such a thing?  In this case it was more of a conquest; I was something he needed to achieve and I know this, how?  By his actions; something I learned is that people do a lot of talking, but actions truly speak volumes louder than words.

I’ve especially learned this in my recent loss of my dear sister Kimball; so many said they would do… [fill in the blank], but very few actually stepped up to the plate.  And in this man’s case, his actions told me he had no respect for my time or for me.  His actions told me that I was a trophy, a ‘thing’ to acquire.

Case in point, when we had the family up to spread my sister’s ashes, he was eerily silent (no phone calls/texts… no “hey just checking in, I was concerned”).  He called on his terms and wanted my returned calls on his terms.

So, yesterday we were to have a date, he was to pick me up, never firmed up anything until after he was to pick me up… ( a bit rude… left me waiting yet another time).  I don’t know, call me old-fashioned and, you know something?  It doesn’t matter; I didn’t like how I was being treated.  So, I broke it off, clean and simple.  Told him I wasn’t the girl for him and that he should move on.  Talk about an evolution!

The old me would have given him another chance… and another… and another.  I would have ‘another chanced’ him all the way to divorce court!  Not anymore.  Oh!  I was so proud of myself, to stick to my guns and just stand up and stand firm.

Yes, it is a happy day and I do believe I have evolved and evolving still!  That woman in the mirror is becoming ever more present in my life, ever more active.  We are becoming one.  And you know something?  I do like her…

Yep, she is pretty sweet indeed.

“The woman I was yesterday, introduced me to the woman I am today; which makes me very excited about meeting the woman I will become tomorrow. ”
Poetic Evolution

Love at First Site – True? Or False?


The other night I had an evening where I met the most incredible man I’ve had the pleasure of meeting in a LONG time.  So, my question to the readers out there is; is there such a thing as ‘Love at First Sight?’

I met this woman the other week (true, we’ve only been friends for a couple of weeks, but I feel as if we’ve been friends for a lifetime… strange).  Anyway, at the last-minute, she messaged that she was having some friends over and would I like to come for dinner; to which I replied, “sure!”  (free meal? Count me in!)

After receiving directions, the plan was we would have dinner then off to a club for some drinks, music and dancing (how delicious!).  I managed the directions and found myself at her place.  Knocked on the door and was greeted by my friend.  I felt a bit over dressed; but hey, I was going clubbing after all.  As I walked through to the kitchen/living area, I was greeted by her guests my eyes were immediately drawn to the most stunning figure of a man seated in the center of the couch.

The necessary introductions were made – I think I even held my hand to him first without even realizing I completely ignored the gentleman next to him… (How dimwitted of me and embarrassing now that I think of it) – I was just so mesmerized!  Then to meet his children and the gentleman next to him, turns out, was his father.  They were all the picture of perfection!  No other way of putting it; so cleansing just sitting in their presence.

I realize that there isn’t any hope of anything going anywhere and that possibly this is just a friendship… but the question still stands and it is at moments like this where I truly wish I had a crystal ball so I could see into the future…  Maybe it’s best not to be able to foresee our futures and simply glance at the scenery around us, breathing in the fragrances as we walk along our paths into our unknowns.

I don’t know what is in the cards, there is no telling (nor should there be); all I can be assured is that I am happy today and was happy in those moments of meeting such wonderful people.  That is what life is all about is it not?

In closing, I share a poem I’ve found that describes my feelings to a tee.  Again, I feel a bit foolish, but it does feel good to know I have these feelings again and to not be over rot by fear.

Choice

Angela Morgan

I’d rather have the thought of you
To hold against my heart,
My spirit to be taught of you
With west winds blowing,
Than all the warm caresses
Of another love’s bestowing,
Or all the glories of the world
In which you had no part.

I’d rather have the theme of you
To thread my nights and days,
I’d rather have the dream of you
With faint stars glowing,
I’d rather have the want of you,
The rich, elusive taunt of you
Forever and forever and forever unconfessed
Than claim the alien comfort
Of any other’s breast.

O lover! O my lover,
That this should come to me!
I’d rather have the hope of you,
Ah, Love, I’d rather grope for you
Within the great abyss
Than claim another’s kiss-
Alone I’d rather go my way
Throughout eternity.

Divorce, Disappointment, Dealling With It


First, this is a REALLY difficult piece as it shows just how vulnerable I

Broken heart sewn back together

Broken heart sewn back together (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

am… so place your judgment at the door as I try to just sift through my own feelings (I’ve got plenty of judgement about the turn of events for all of us, trust me).  This past week was met with such promise, such enthusiasm.  Many of you will say “Ann what did you expect?”  That is, once I divulge to you exactly what it was I did.  For about  the past year I had seen someone; not physically, no.  But on the phone we had amazing conversations.  He and I met at a party my best friend had last year.  Oh, our conversation was fiery as we debated and cajoled each other.  At one point I could swear it got so hot we could have taken each other right then and there.

Yea… we wanted one another.  But I wasn’t that kind of girl, besides I had only just met the man!  He got my number from my girlfriend and started calling me.  We talked for hours on the phone.  As my sister got sick, he would check on me to see how I was doing.  As he was going through trials I would check on him.  We became a support system for each other.

There were times where we hadn’t spoken for a few weeks, but then we would be at it again.  (life happens).  But that never stayed that way for long and in would come a call; it was him.  That handsome devil; a smile would reach my face and I would answer the phone and our conversation would start-up as if it had never ended.

When my sister died it was as if he just knew.  He called out of the blue; we started back up and he and I were inseparable (on the phone).  Then we got to thinking about finally getting together.  This of course made me very nervous.  All kinds of thoughts ran through my head (mostly about my appearance… what will he think?) and mostly about his intentions.  I mean, the first thing he thought of when we started talking was about getting into the sack.  To which I explained that wasn’t happening… not until I knew him better.

Well, I drove down and we had a wonderful time, or so I thought.  Then the next day came and he decided to take me out, yet I was to be the driver (?).  Back up the bus!  So, that put a minor crimp in my feathers… I did drive 400 miles down to visit him.  Anyway, suddenly I’m not feeling so warm and fuzzy… funny thing about women.  Men, you must realize that we need to be romanced.

So, we are at lunch and he starts in on me and how cold I’ve become (hmm… wonder why?).  And that he just wants things like how we were on the phone.  So, here I am trying to think “how do I tell this guy what I Dick I think he is?  I mean… can’t the dude drive?  I just drove 400 miles, like yesterday; and am damn tired of driving!  Damn!  I don’t have it in me to be ‘warm'”

So I try, gently telling him how I feel.  But it’s more to it and I can feel that too.  I’m feeling conned (don’t ask me how… just know in my gut).  So, I shake it off, we go catch a movie, laugh a lot and go back to his place.  Where he washes my car and gives me some left over chicken (hm… this guy really pulls out all the stops doesn’t he?).

Then off to bed we go…

All the while I’m there he can’t tell me enough how he doesn’t want to let me go, how he just can’t get enough of me.  He wants me to move down and asking me how we are going make this new relationship work.  He even let’s the ‘l’ word slip out.  Oh, this guy is good.

I left on Tuesday to stay with my girlfriend, was home on Wednesday and that evening he called me just to make sure I made it home OK.  I told him I was in rehearsal and asked if I could call him later to which he replied, “don’t call after 10:00…”  What?  Back up the bus!  This coming from the same man who just a week ago said, “oh baby, you can call me anytime, I always want to talk to you.”

Really!  Oh my God!  I’ve been demoted.  This dude will stop at nothing.  So, to date; I’ve still not received a call.  Why not just call him you ask?  You see, in the game of love there are some cardinal rules.  First, let’s remember that I did take the first leap of faith and walked into a situation that I had no idea of what I was getting myself into.  I mean I knew his friends (good friends of his, people he’d know his whole life… I knew he was no serial killer).  But still, I did the drive (a 400 mile drive to be exact).  It should be he that is making every effort to make sure I’ve not made a mistake and don’t feel foolish.

Well, I feel foolish… but you know something?  I’m always going to trust people.  Now I’d like to say that eventually I’ll be smarter about these things, but I won’t.  I’m still going to be just as gullible as I was the day I was born.  I’m just a gullible girl.

But it sure has placed me back into hiding again; not sure I want to go back on the ‘dating train’ again.  Not sure I want to fade all that rejection.  There was more to it that just the lack of calling after our meeting.  Oh, I ended up writing him the follow:

Dear Jordan

 First I wanted to thank you for a wonderful weekend as it was great getting to know you.  The power outage was merely a crimp in our event and, though a test that could have dampened our possibilities; it wasn’t the outage, Christopher or my playing chauffeur on Monday that spoils my memory.  Your lack of interest since then is what puzzles me.

 You insist that you are like no other man; and you furthered your insistence with your ‘sales pitch’ of what you would do for me if I were your girl.  But there are “Speakers” and “Doers”, my dear friend.  And you are a “Speaker, someone with whom I don’t see spending my life.

 You must know how I feel.  After all, I drove 400 hundred mile to see you and it was me, who took that leap of faith (not having a clue what I was walking myself into).  Therefore, the way I see it, it should be you who should see to it that I am comfortable, confident, wanted, secured in my decision, wanted and loved.  I don’t feel those things, Jordon… I feel foolish.

 Jordan, I’m not a complicated woman; but I do read between the lines.  Our last telephone conversation said it all to me; you were terse and cold and said in reply to my request to call you back, “don’t call me after 10:00…”  This after “oh baby, you can call me anytime.  You know I want to talk to you, Babe.”  Wow!  What a change, eh?

 So Jordan, I guess this is good-bye.  I’m no Chump… I was… and perhaps will be again.  But I somehow think you changed that.  Before, I was ‘on the lamb’ in search of myself.  Now, I’m ‘on the lamb’ out of fear; fear of feeling this hurt.

You should be proud, you accomplished what most men could not – you got me out of hiding… But I’m no Medea… yea, I knew about her; why do you think I waited so long?

Yep, you win – I’m yet another conquest – or did you?

 Good luck to you Jordon… Hope you’re happy in this life you’ve chosen for yourself.

Ann

So, where do I go from here?  Well, I still have some of my dignity left and I have my friends and my bird.  I can’t look back.  I am divorced, that’s a fact and am told that the sadness that has accompanied that will pass.  Divorce is a death; death of dreams, death of a relationship that was once very important to me; it was nurtured.    I seriously can’t believe he (Jordan) took so much time to wait this out for a ‘conquest’ but, I must face facts and realize that the dude has issues.  Issues that I am in no place to deal with.

So, I move forward.  I’m thinking of asking my lyricist friend to maybe write some lyrics out of that letter… possibly write a song (lol).  Isn’t that how it’s done?  Ah!  Anyway, divorce and disappointment and I’m dealing with it; in more ways than one.

21 V. 49 – Did the earth shake?


As you all know my niece and I had words over the holiday.  Mostly out of her disrespect for my oldest sister – aka her Aunt – hey! Nobody else was going to speak up – I merely told her how I felt; but who would have known such a split would have happened in our family?

I want her to know that I will always be here for her.  However, I’m fearful for the path she is choosing to go down as I chose this exact path when I was her age.  So strange how it is that someone who didn’t come out of my womb could be so much like me.  I want so much to shout it at her, to shake her, but all I can do is allow her to live her life and  hope that she has chosen wisely and will continue to do so.

And, make no mistakes about this one, she hates me now – though I’m sure it will pass.  She does not like being made to face facts and will do what she has always done that has worked thus far and that is to lash out at those who love her most.  What was it I said before?  Being a parent means doing the ‘tough’ stuff and allowing yourself to be hated, despised or worse.  I guess I will need to just allow this the time it needs and hope.

Bottom line is that I would much rather be despised for speaking  my mind – true and heartfelt – than to be accepted for lies.  If she is to love us she will need to love us – true and heartfelt.  For that is how I/we love her.

Does being a ‘family’ mean not saying or speaking up when you feel you have been wronged?  Are you to just brush everything under the rug and slither out the door without even giving those you are angry at their ‘time in court’?  I don’t think so.  Family to me means that we discuss openly what needs to be discussed and that ALL are heard.  My niece, her father and mother did nothing to give us our ‘day in court’.

The choices of my niece brings back some really bad memories for this writer.  Memories of a young girl who wanted nothing better than to be seen for herself – to be seen for the image in the mirror that she so wanted to catch up to.  She, only nineteen, a college student at the local Jr. College.  Her roommate, twenty-two and also a classmate, who was working as a cocktail waitress and called one night, “you have to come down”, she had gotten to know the lead singer in the band and thought that this guy would be perfect for her best friend.  “C’mon, get yourself dressed and get down here, I’ll make sure you get in the door.”  “But I’m not ready, far from, just got in from work” she replied.  “Get down here, there is this dream of a guy and I KNOW he is for you.  If not, at least you’ll have a blast.  C’mon…”, her roommate insisted.  She thought about it, and replied “ok, I”ll be there in twenty.”

She got there, the band was playing; she checked out the place, spotted her friend.  Then she spotted the band; the lead singer was tall, lanky, dark and handsome.  ‘Her friend was certainly right about one thing, he was handsome; but couldn’t be interested in me’, she thought.  “Hi!”  Her roommate said, getting her by the bouncer.

Well, here she was in the club.  She ordered a Gin and Tonic (G&T) – Tall – seemed like a ‘grown-up’ drink, aside from the usual beer.  Her friend introduced them, they danced once, then she danced with others.  Later, it was closing time and Tony – that was his name – came to talk with her.  She was in a state of disbelief and almost didn’t want to get her hopes up too much.  So many things went through her mind.  They sat and talked at the table way after closing time – this was the benefit of being with the ‘in crowd’.

Later, there would be many more trips to the club, he would sing to her, sit with her, she gave him her number; they went on motorcycle rides/picnics/outings.  He would come by the apartment and often; she was falling and hard.  For it only took one look, one word over the phone and her heart would jump.

One day, as she and her roommate were sitting in their kitchen getting ready for work, there was a knock on the door, it was Tony who just came by to chat.  He sat down as they both continued putting on their make-up.  He started talking and joking, talking about his day and the upcoming weekend.  Then as he talked, he said something to the effect of “oh, my wife and I…blah, blah blah blah blah…” just like that.  He mentioned her in mid-sentence.  As if it were something that was to be known.

Her heart sank right to her stomach, she was silent.  Neither of them  knew what to do.  She’d never had this sort of thing happen to her; how could she?  She was only nineteen.  To look at her one would think a drill was going off inside her body drilling through each organ one at a time.   After he left, she cried like she never cried – or so it seemed.

I would LOVE to be able to say that I stopped this relationship, I would love to, but I didn’t.  I believed the lies.  I wanted the ‘fairy tale’.  We went on like this for about four months – maybe six.  I did end up moving on after catching him with another woman, buck naked in the back of his van – that’s right folks, once a cheater… isn’t that how the saying goes?

Since those days I have heard that he, unfortunately – and I do mean this truly – ended up in a horrible motorcycle accident making him mentally disabled.  I’ve grown beyond those days and have forgiven him, however I’m not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself.

This is the path that I hope to save my niece from.  Because, though it’s not an excuse it was my reality, I was looking for love from a man.  Losing my father at such an early age did take its toll.  And with my niece, her father too – though physically available at time – was unavailable emotionally.  But you don’t find love from an outside source through a mate.  The only way to find it is to find it within, through empowerment.  And you find that empowerment within yourself.  Because Dear-one’s you can only love those as much as you love yourself.