Love Myself – Days 05 and 06

Cheapers Creepers!  What did we do without the Internet?  I’ve been in the midst of a move and it took a wee bit more time than I anticipated.  But alas, I’m finally out and into my new place (after many trips up and down and up and down the stairs…who needs a Thigh Master? lol).  And with no internet, I felt as if I was existing without my limbs!  So, I’ve decided to lump my Days 5 and 6 together.

Again, I must say that this challenge is truly enlightening.  What a wonderful way to end each day.  To end each day on a positive note about yourself.  And for this author’s journey where it started out in search of my best friend, “myself”, well, it has been priceless.

These last couple of days have been bittersweet.  Bitter in that I’m leaving a part of my life that I enjoyed very much.  This was my first place to myself.  I had never lived completely on my own, ever.  Also, it was here that I accepted the end of my marriage, truly accepted it.  I was successful as a single a woman living on my own and I was quite proud of my accomplishment.  Needless to say, I would be lying if I were to say that I wasn’t a bit sad.  Now there is a ‘sweet’ side to this  move too; though I’ll be moving out of my apartment, I will be back in with my sister and I must admit, it will be nice to have someone to share meals with and my morning coffee.  I think that what I’m looking most forward to is when we get together to watch a comedy… we feed off each other’s laughter that it’s pandemic (we can’t catch our breath).  And, you know what they say?  Laughter is truly the best medicine.

My oldest sister has graciously opened her home up to me in my time of need and, even though we will be helping each-other to some extent, she seems to always be the one who is so unselfishly giving.  I know, this is sounding more like a ‘self loathing’ than ‘loving’.  However, part of the process is that acceptance of help.  To graciously and simply say “Thank you.”

I have another sister who very generously agreed to help me with my storage expenses.  It has taken everything in me to accept this.  I still haven’t been able to speak to her as I’ve been too embarrassed.  I know that in her mind, it is the only way she feels she can help.  And she is, truly.  So, I need to be grateful and simply accept the gift for what it is.

I think the hesitation comes from deep down; from when I was a girl.  Being the youngest, many think we ‘youngest’ are so spoiled, that we got everything we ever wanted.  We never had to do anything and that life was one HUGE party.  Take it from me, rarely was that the case.  But what I did get was the guilt by association that was passed down along with all that ‘spoiled’ nonsense (even though that was clearly not the case).

I think that a major reason it is difficult for me to accept (or even ask for) help is due to this nonsense that I should be able to do it all on my own.  For whatever reason, I believed the lies that were said.  It’s the sense of pride that I can’t seem to shake.

However, learning to love myself is learning to accept the times when I too need help.  There are going to be times when I am the one who needs assisting and that should be ok.  For there too will be (and are) many times where I will be the one assisting other’s.

My main lesson these last two days brought to the fore front was taking stock in who Ann MacGregor is.  Who is the woman, without all the appearances, the money, the career (all of which are slim pickings these days).  What has she accomplished by ‘Humanity’ standards?

This list could get quite long indeed; however let’s just say that I am very much in touch with those standards and was reminded of them just the other day.  Such as going to support a friend’s show at her elementary school, or supporting another friend’s charity race.  How about my neighbors children and the hoards of gift wrap or Entertainment books needed to be sold for school.  Or just simply sitting and listening to them as they chatted away about the events of their day.   All of which, in my own way is giving back (albeit in a small way…but each is still important).

As I reflected on those things, I was reminded of others and then I was reminded of a wonderful idea I’d heard of.  It was to write all these things down on slips of paper; place them in a basket along with cards of appreciation you might receive.  When you feel low, you are to pull out the basket, go through some of the slips of paper or notes that you received.  They suggested calling it an Atagirl/Ataboy Basket.

Anyway, what I’ve rediscovered about myself these past couple of days is that I do have the compassion and support to support the ‘small business’ and the child selling gift-wrap for his/her class and to go to the 100th performance of XYZ production that my friend is directing.  Why?  Because, because it makes them feel better; which in turn helps me.  You see, by fanning their flame to burn ever so much brighter, we can all see that much more clearly in the glow.

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